Troubled Son Turned to Alcohol

[SuperVina]

My 22 year old son lives with his partner and 4 year old twins. He works very hard but also parties very hard. He says this is because his dad (from whom I split about 12 years ago) doesn't have anything to do with him apart from the odd phone call. About 10 years ago his dad got together with another woman. They have 3 children and she will not let him or their children see my son. He is not even allowed to go to their house. I am therefore trying to be both mum and dad to my son but I am finding it very hard because I understand how much his drinking is hurting his partner and children. He isn't violent to them but when he is drunk he tells her he doesn't love her and she needs to move out and then the next day he is too hung over to look after the twins whilst she goes to her part time job. This is one of the reasons why I split up from his father - he drank too much and then ended up having an affair. I am trying to be sympathetic towards my son and help him, partly I think because I feel guilty about splitting up with his dad when he was 10, but it's gone too far now and I need to make it clear that I won't condone his behavior any more. But it hurts to think that I will hurting him like his dad hurts him.

Firstly, I would ask @MNHQto move your thread over to the Parents of Adult Children section as there are other MNers dealing with abusive and addictive adult DC in there.

Then, please stop feeling guilty about leaving his DF. It sounds as though you were in an abusive relationship and made the best choice you could at the time.

I tbink the Divorce rate is currently around one in two. I’m not sure ehat the figures are for parents who have DC then split but it’s going to be high.

So plenty of adults come from homes where there is one main parent and they don’t turn into addicted, abusive adults.

He’s using you splitting with his DF as an excuse and if it wasn’t that, he’d probably find a different excuse to drink.

So definitely don’t condone his behaviour. He needs to sober up and quickly before he loses his DP, his DTs and potentially his home.

I would speak to Al Anon for some support for you and suggest to his DP that she does the same.

And I’m sorry, seeing your DS parent his own DC and manage his adult relationships so appallingly must be so hard