DS23. What do we do?

[Magpiemines]

Hi, I know a lot of this situation is of our own making, but let me start by saying that we have 3 DC and the other two are not like DS.
DS recently graduated and is applying for a job/ career with training and good prospects but earliest start date Jan/Feb. He wants to put his application on hold and try for the September next year instead, as he feels he hasn't got enough on his CV to be guaranteed a job offer, and to rectify this he wants to stay at home for the next year and do a Masters (says he'll get a part time job, but I don't believe this).
DH and I have told him we feel getting a job would be far more beneficial toas he has only a few weeks experience of working. He won't have it and is expecting us to allow him to continue living at home without paying us anything for another year (already had the past 5 years post 18 here). I wouldn't mind this so much if he actually contributed in other ways, but I have to constantly nag at him to do anything. He thinks that walking the dog is sufficient contribution!
I get home from work and he appears in the kitchen asking me when I'm making dinner!! As if he's 10! He doesn't help with meals, shopping, washing, cleaning, any housework at all. He thinks he should be able to watch what he wants on the TV even if no-one else wants to (he has his own TV but wants to sit downstairs).
Sometimes there's a slight improvement for a few days but then things just go back to how they were. He's ridiculously lazy. And he's not depressed.
It's making me feel ill when I think about having him here for another year not contributing and acting like a man child! Then I feel guilty when I think of the alternative because he's my DS!

Personally if he were mine and I could afford it I would gladly fund him with a masters.

A Masters with no or little work experience may make his job prospects even worse as he could be considered over qualified for a lot of things.
Time her grew up and got a job

@cupfinalchaos Even though he refuses to do anything to help out at home (except walking the dog)? You think it’s acceptable at 23 to expect your middle-aged parents to be your unpaid servants?

Your instinct is right, he’s too old to be using the bank of mum and dad. He’s 23, not 17. He needs to grow up and stand on his own two feet. He’s taking the piss not doing anything around the house and he’s taking you and his dad for granted.

Tell him he either moves out in to shared accommodation or starts helping significantly more.

Yes your brother clearly has struggle with substance issues but if he wants to do academia full time then there's nothing wrong with that. But he should get proper treatment before looking for a job, I hope he gets the help he needs. The stress of masters and PhD's is often underestimated, academica isn't as lucrative as people think, its long hours, and trying to get the best research grants etc but is often underappreciated when it has a massive positive impact on the world. Obviously if it's just to avoid working then no its not a good idea but to be honest masters and PhD's are lot of hard work over years compared to going into work and it won't be worth it unless he wants to have a career in research and academia.

You are right, op.

Yeah that's the thing my brother only did it to get out of working. Long long history of this behaviour, being bailed out by mum etc. gambling addictions, drugs, alcohol. I agree phds are incredible when done and very beneficial to this world. I just hope (obviously I know nothing about ops son) that he isn't like my brother! X

I'm sorry about your brother, hopefully he gets help and can get better. It takes time though. Yes OP's son needs to work, he should focus on a grad scheme, getting ready for applications and can do a master in 5+ years, if he wants the further study. I think OP needs to thread the line of not enabling him and being supportive but he also needs to do things around the house and have some goals and work towards them. Sometimes people need more tough love (where fair) to push them.

I would get him to do more at home but yes I’d fund his masters if possible. We funded my ds’s masters which gave him the edge to get the job he wanted and he’s now working hard and saving for his own place. Why would I not help him because he’s 23? My friends’ children have all been helped massively by their parents with education, flat deposits etc even though they’re classed as adults. Hasn’t taken away their ambition whatsoever.

40 hours, that’s quite a few jobs off the list then. None of my jobs in 35 years have been 40 hour weeks, unless I’ve had to travel.

He's doing everything he can to avoid "adulting" and taking responsibility for himself.

Well fuck that.

He needs to be told it's time to grow up and stand on his own two feet.

This needs to be presented to him as a non-negotiable joined-up parenting fait accompli.

I hope you're not still cooking for him and doing his laundry?

Basically. Life is hard and some young people kind of want to believe that somehow that hardship will pass them by. It does not pass by anyone

I don't think a Masters will fix his problem - he is just avoiding work. I would tell him you can't contribute anything else and he needs to get a job. No more borrowing money, no more funding. If he is going to live with you he needs to get work and contribute money towards rent and bills. If he can't get a job he needs to sign on and contribute more in the way of doing things - at least until he gets a job. Stand firm otherwise you'll pay a ton more cash and get nowhere and he'll be in a worse position in 1 year's time.

If it helps to reassure you that you are not being unreasonable, my ds (21) graduated 2 weeks ago. He knew he would be paying the going rate for renting a small room with a shared bathroom and also providing his own food if he came home; he is doing just that. He works the evening shifts in a local factory and is also progressing through the application processes of 2 major employers. He has accepted that he is an adult now and is quite cheerful about the set up, proudly cooking himself a roast dinner today (that he shopped for at the weekend). He also knows that at the end of the month he will be taking on his mobile phone contract and also making a contribution to the council tax bill (he creates rubbish that needs collecting; he benefits from the street lighting that he walks home in after work; he should contribute to financing the public services he uses in the community in which he lives too). We’ve not done this to be unkind or exploitative, but rather to give him the confidence and the knowledge that he has all the skills he needs in order to live independently. We would feel we’d failed him if he wasn’t well prepared for life as an independent adult, and a huge part of that is having an understanding of the value of money and the budgeting required to cover your needs when you’re starting out in life. We also want him to know that when he chooses to move out, he can afford the costs and won’t feel stuck with us because he can’t afford to live independently. I expect he’ll be with us for a little while yet (depending on how the job applications go) and I’m really enjoying this new stage in our relationship where he’s an adult and living with us under his own merit and efforts. He’s pretty proud of himself too!
Good luck with the transition and hold your nerve - even if you get some push-back to start with, it doesn’t mean you’re doing the wrong thing. After all, none of us learn and develop anything if we stay in our comfort zone.

A masters benefitted me financially but I already had other skills in place. The problem isn’t the masters, it’s that he is a man child. Just tell him he’s too difficult to live with. Be honest.