I feel like im not allowed a voice.

[Whataloadof2020]

Quick background information. Hubby and i married since 2018, together from 2013. Daughter is from another relationship but has been brought up for half her life with my husband.

She is now 22.

For a few years now, i feel like i am the butt of their jokes, i am the verbal punch bag for their frustrations (or in my hubby case silence).

if i show any emotion other than happy or empathetic, then i am ridiculed or made to feel i am overreacting.

i am perimenopausal but im fed up taking passive aggressive remarks. So i stand up for myself only for it to turn around by the both of them as if i have overreacted.

has anyone else dealt with these types of issues?

That's really disturbing. Does he realise how inappropriate it is for him to be siding with your young adult daughter?

What's your financial situation like, OP? I'd be more than tempted to get myself somewhere to live on my own.

That's bullying and outrageous from people who are supposed to love and support you. I'm sorry you're going through it.

Its actually my DD Who is worse.
its really difficult to try and describe it properly. It might even be just me who is overly sensitive.
I think i get triggered as i an the youngest out of my siblings and when they get together it feels the same. They make sarcastic comments that i feel is belittling but when i voice my feelings im being sensitive.

Thank you. It can be difficult. My daughter has moved out so its fine when she is not there. But as soon as she visits she just triggers me.

It's really really difficult to know what's happening based on what you're saying. It could be that they are genuinely being mean and behaving very badly, in which case you have a bigger question to answer for yourself. or it could be that you are over reacting due to previous experiences.

I would suggest in a situation like this finding a therapist. someone you can talk it all through and ideally someone who does something like CBT who can then offer you support to develop tools to manage it - whether that's to overcome your triggers or whether that's to put a stop to it.

Look at the Jeffrey Fisher shorts on FB. He's got lots of practical advice for dealing with rude/thoughtless/dismissive comments.

Do you have any examples OP?

You could try the “ So sorry dd, didn’t get that, was it a joke? you need to explain it to me.”

Every time, so her witty little remarks loses their edge . When she has stumbled through the explanations you nod, raise your eyebrows and say something in a bored and slightly amused tone like “oh right,” then don’t respond to anything if she persists. She is getting off on your upset responses, once she sees that she isn’t making an impact she will , hopefully, stop.

Yes i think you are correct. Im on waiting list for therapy. So thought, im not going to make any changes until i get help.

In the meantime ill need to try not react.

@Whataloadof2020
Does your husband do this when your dd is not visiting, or is it predominantly when she is? What about if you see dd by herself or talk on the phone? Does she do it then?
I’ve noticed that negative dynamics often increase when people feel they have someone else who can “back them up”. They want the other person to agree with them and to make them feel that their grievances are valid.

Why don’t you point out to your husband some of the things that have been said. Ask him if he also feels like this or not. If he does then you need to talk about why he hasn’t addressed them and if he doesn’t why he chooses to not defend you.

It only happens when dd is around. And it is usually her that begins it.

however, after writing this post i did a bit of introspection and i am very sensitive and easily triggered. I think it stems from being the youngest in my family and also when i was at primary school. Feeling irrelevant and not as clever which was due to my peers always being older by nearly a year. And my closest in age brother was older by 5.

This is my ‘wounded child’ as they say so i need to work on this.

@Whataloadof2020
i think it’s good to look at oneself to try and understand why we react in the way we do. I think this means that how you view the dynamic will more likely improve over time.

That said, if your daughter is a mature adult, she too should be capable of understanding, if explained to her, that due to your background you find certain things tricky to cope with.
I know that I struggle with certain dynamics within my family because of my upbringing, and while I have to push myself as much as I can to not let them bother me, I expect my children and husband to not go too far.
You need to meet in the middle. Neither party should be doing it all.

Yes whilst its always good to relect and have insight, thats still no excuse for your dd and dh to enjoy winding you up. Calmy but firmly call them out every single time.

Forgot to say I was also the youngest (of 6 kids), and put up with a lot of patronising and often bullying behaviour from them. And therefore yes I I'm sensitive to it as an adult - thats not something I need to "fix", its made me put my boundaries clearly in place.

IMO if it’s a “joke” and you tell them you’re upset then they should apologise. It’s what a decent human would do.

Even if you’re oversensitive it is still on them. If their humour is just by hurting your feelings, it’s needs reviewing.

Its just bullying disguised as humour.

I completely agree. I had a chat to them both , explaining that some things easily trigger me, and now i see it, i can work on it, and they need to show me grace.

Thank you.

i have explained that i have realised my over sensitivity, and where it stems from. Ive asked them to be aware of this and to be aware of what they say, and if i react to give me grace.

Absolutely. And i will. Now i see this, i hopefully can calmly advise them that they are going to far.

we had a chat were i explained my triggers and they need to go easy. But i also need to learn to deal with it in a calmer manner.

I have also been diagnosed with C-PTSD as well as going through perimenopause. So i am working on myself including boundaries which was something that was taking from me at a young age.
My usual go to when feeling attacked is to get angry without understanding why.
Its a long process and a lot of therapy to hopefully get to a better place.

I guess it hurts more when my daughter who i have done nothing but keep her safe shows me the level of disrespect that she does.
But i am definitely starting to work on boundaries.
thank you.