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Parents of adult children

Wondering how to stop worrying about your grown child? Speak to others in our Parents of Adult Children forum.

Terrified my daughter is beyond help

23 replies

Treefy · 20/07/2025 11:43

I am at a loss. My daughter is simply unable to function as an adult. Background of childhood abuse, bereavement and as yet undiagnosed adhd (in progress). She is desperately trying to move on with her life but seems unable to do so. Her self esteem is through the floor, she is unable to organise or prioritise and lives in a state of constant chaos. She yo-yos between masking and faking normality in front of her friends and bed rotting, binge eating and crying when alone. She has inevitably put on weight, making her feel even worse about herself. She has managed to scrape through a year at college and is due to start uni in September, but I am terrified she will spiral further. Dr only interested in giving meds, which she won’t take and our local mental health services saying they won’t be able to support when she is away at university. I feel like I’m in danger of drowning with her and I know this won’t help her but I feel so alone with it all.

OP posts:
MiraculousLadybug · 20/07/2025 11:50

That's so tough. The meds could really help though, depending on what's being offered. Can you work with her to get her to a point where she would try the medication that's being offered? Her struggles are clearly having a significant effect on her daily life.

A lot of people are worried that mental health medication will take away their personality or change who they are, based on outdated views of the meds available in the 50s and 60s, but modern meds really don't work like that at all. They're designed to help you function better, without the background static in your brain that gets in the way of functioning (in the case of ADHD meds) or without the emotional pain (in the case of anti-depressants or mood stabilisers).

The trouble is, when people are ambivalent about medication, sometimes the first one they try doesn't work out, or they don't give it enough time, and that reinforces their negative beliefs, making them less willing to keep trying until they find the right one for them.

Ellmau · 20/07/2025 11:51

Is there a university closer to home so she could live at home?

Octavia64 · 20/07/2025 11:54

I have a child with AuDHD who has been through university.

many universities offer disabled rooms adapted for disabled students.

if she applies for DSA (disabled students allowance) then that can unlock support from the uni including adhd coaching and mental health support

Treefy · 20/07/2025 12:06

Her phobia of medication or anything medical has been lifelong, I feel so frustrated with her knowing it could help, but she seems unable to overcome it.

OP posts:
PolyVagalNerve · 20/07/2025 12:16

Are u accessing ADHD assessment through right to choose ?
if not, go that route - it will be quicker
how she going to manage if they recommend medication for her ADHD ???
it can be incredible helpful for many with ADHD

her not taking medication I would tackle as a priority -
does she not take vitamins ? A paracetamol ? Antibiotic if she needs ???
she needs to be able to take medication if it prescribed for depression / anxiety disorder -
it can really help -
some can pull themselves out with psychological interventions but sometimes it’s too hard without medication
local providers can’t treat her mental
health if she is out of area for uni -
so you need to be getting her referred to services local to uni
or she’s not well enough to go to uni and she defers, prioritises health - like taking medication and engages with local services

notanothercheesesandwich · 20/07/2025 12:27

I wish I knew how to help. I feel very similar with my autistic (and probably ADHD) DD19. She has bouts of being quite independent and during these times gets very angry if we offer any help/advice. She then plummets and struggles with basic daily tasks and sometimes will accept help sometimes not. I walk on a knife edge of not knowing what she wants from me. I think medication would help stabilise my DD but she won't take any tablets and can be quite sporadic even with liquid meds.
I hope you find a way through.

JennieTheZebra · 20/07/2025 12:30

I’m a MH nurse. You mentioned local MH services. What support is she currently getting from them? She maybe able to access support in her new area. Has she had any therapy/therapeutic input such as emotional coping skills?

Treefy · 20/07/2025 12:52

notanothercheesesandwich · 20/07/2025 12:27

I wish I knew how to help. I feel very similar with my autistic (and probably ADHD) DD19. She has bouts of being quite independent and during these times gets very angry if we offer any help/advice. She then plummets and struggles with basic daily tasks and sometimes will accept help sometimes not. I walk on a knife edge of not knowing what she wants from me. I think medication would help stabilise my DD but she won't take any tablets and can be quite sporadic even with liquid meds.
I hope you find a way through.

Oh my, so good to speak to someone who understands, sounds like a very similar situation. On a good day she’ll deny needing my input, but I’m the only one who sees the bad days.

OP posts:
Treefy · 20/07/2025 13:06

PolyVagalNerve · 20/07/2025 12:16

Are u accessing ADHD assessment through right to choose ?
if not, go that route - it will be quicker
how she going to manage if they recommend medication for her ADHD ???
it can be incredible helpful for many with ADHD

her not taking medication I would tackle as a priority -
does she not take vitamins ? A paracetamol ? Antibiotic if she needs ???
she needs to be able to take medication if it prescribed for depression / anxiety disorder -
it can really help -
some can pull themselves out with psychological interventions but sometimes it’s too hard without medication
local providers can’t treat her mental
health if she is out of area for uni -
so you need to be getting her referred to services local to uni
or she’s not well enough to go to uni and she defers, prioritises health - like taking medication and engages with local services

Relies on liquid meds if desperate (antibiotics) but otherwise says the thought of taking even liquid meds every day makes her feel sick. Agree this is priority but no idea how to tackle it. Would anyone know if adhd meds are available in anything other than tablet form?

OP posts:
PolyVagalNerve · 20/07/2025 13:25

Treefy · 20/07/2025 13:06

Relies on liquid meds if desperate (antibiotics) but otherwise says the thought of taking even liquid meds every day makes her feel sick. Agree this is priority but no idea how to tackle it. Would anyone know if adhd meds are available in anything other than tablet form?

Start with taking a sweetie like a minion
practice swallowing them whole
then a tiny multi vitamin or chew a multi vitamin gummy
practice
practice practice
move to swallowing a paracetamol Caplet or smooth ibrupren
what if god forbid she gets a serious illness and needs to be able to take medication
you / she needs to crack this
you can get antidepressants in liquid
go for that option
I bet u can get ADHD meds in liquid- as they prescribe for kids
but if she is going to say it makes me feel sick u are back to square one
medicine isn’t supposed to be pleasured / palatable
and we often have to tolerate taking medication regularly when we would prefer not to
we all have to find a way,
or we stay unwell or get worse
say if u keep doing what you have always done you will keep feeling the same way
tackle this and then you / she will have a framework - graded exposure to apply to other areas of life, like doing things she needs to do but doesn’t like

T1Dmom · 20/07/2025 13:27

Why cant she take meds? Is it the feeling/idea of being sick? Or the idea of the meds side effects effecting her? Is she reading the side effects piror to taking them?

TheLivelyViper · 20/07/2025 13:29

@Treefy Get her to get in contact with her university Disability Service, she can do this before results day etc. Did she click she had a disability when applying on UCAS? If yes then they should have already contacted her, so get her to check her emails and see if she missed it.

If not she can go on their website and email them or fill in an online form. Then they'll make her a personalised learning support plan. She will have to give them evidence (but if she's in the process of diagnosis it should count), then she can have an online meeting go through anything she's struggling with and the support she'll get e.g help with writing longer assesments, tell lectures to give her extra support with presentations. She'll also likely be able to get extra time, rest breaks during exams, espeically if she had them at college. But even if she didn't, each university decides on their own, so much more flexible than A-levels etc. They can also, once she starts, do a referral to university counselling service, for short to medium term therapy. Then I'm assuming she's moving out for uni, she'll need a new GP Practice and then get her to go to them, say how shes been struggling and ask for a referral to adult mental health services for long-term therapy. Ask if she can have something other than CBT because it often doesn't help many people and is focused on mild issues. Ask for DBT or IFS and EMDR for abuse, someone more trained - make sure she or you mention the history of abuse and bereavement at the GP so it will be on the form. Also you can self-refer to local IAPT talking therapies so try and do it for the trust she'll be in at uni, just search up the location, find the NHS trust and then search x IAPT self-refer talking therapies(maybe after results day and close to her moving in in a month and a bit).

Hopefully a GP at a surgery near her university (try and look for someone with mental health interest) can explain why ADHD medication can be so useful especially during university so she doesn't fall behind and can do really well. Hopefully they can also get her on medication might not be antidepressants maybe antianxiety meds. But even if she just takes ADHD meds those can have a massive impact along with therapy.

Also on her student finance account (she should have applied for loans by now) she can also start the process to apply for DSA. DSA doesn't count towards the money you pay back and they give you assistative technology (note-taking etc, lots of useful stuff). She will again need evidence from GP but doesn't need the full diagnosis most of the time. She'll have an assessment once accepted, but the needs assessment is not a test, it's just to see what support they'll give her. If she gets to that stage they've already accepted her application. Hope this helps, just try and be as supportive as you can, which it sounds like you are.

Also what is she planning to study at uni? Try and get her excited about that, and the fact that if she gets help, university can be such a fun time. Try and get her to think about societies she could join. It helps having something to look forward to.

Toomanywaterbottles · 20/07/2025 13:53

How old is she? You mention college and hopes for university. Is she only 17 or thereabouts? Iris she a mature student?

TheGentleButFirmMadonna · 20/07/2025 15:16

JennieTheZebra · 20/07/2025 12:30

I’m a MH nurse. You mentioned local MH services. What support is she currently getting from them? She maybe able to access support in her new area. Has she had any therapy/therapeutic input such as emotional coping skills?

This is what seems is needed, coping with controlling your emotions rather than meds

TryingAgainAgainAgain · 20/07/2025 15:27

You say you feel like you're drowning. Are you getting help yourself? Even if it's a carers group once a week, for example. She needs to see you modelling getting help yourself.

gogomomo · 20/07/2025 15:32

@Octavia64 dream on, a diagnosis (from toddlerhood), letter from autism specialist and educational psychiatrist still didn’t get a “quiet block” in halls and dsa was turned down too as no physical disability, the university gave dd £500 in bursary money though plus use of the accessibility centre

PanicPanicc · 20/07/2025 17:10

i just want to say that our DDs background is nearly similar and the transition into adulthood has been far from smooth too but now it seems to be settling, so please don’t be hopeless.

DD ended up staying at home but at least she’s doing some form of uni and works PT. This was very stressful as she didn’t want to do anything at all and was just full of anger directed at me, but after uni started and going back to work, the need for routine has prompted her to do a lot better. It’s still all very chaotic and worrying but she is managing!

I’m worried for the next stage as she seems to have 0 plans or interest in moving out/paying bills but we’ll address that next year.

In the meantime, I strongly recommend counselling for yourself. You need help too.

mugglewump · 20/07/2025 17:24

First of all, I would talk to DD about deferring her uni place until she is in a better place mentally. Once she gets her ADHD diagnosis, see if she can access some CBT and also try some ADHD meds because they will help her a lot with her studying. My DD, 21 and diagnosed ADHD, has zero executive function skills and is completely unable to regulate her emotions. Fortunately, she had brilliant friends at uni who helped her and we only had to do a mercy dash to straighten her out a couple of times each year. Academically, she did brilliantly but that was down to the meds. On a personal level, she was a mess but she survived. However, I do think a gap year would have done her good.

SpinachSpinachMoreSpinach · 20/07/2025 17:44

Treefy · 20/07/2025 13:06

Relies on liquid meds if desperate (antibiotics) but otherwise says the thought of taking even liquid meds every day makes her feel sick. Agree this is priority but no idea how to tackle it. Would anyone know if adhd meds are available in anything other than tablet form?

i think you would have to look into compounding pharmacies to see if they could prepare her meds in liquid form, though I have no idea whether the NHS would cover this or how much it might cost.

duvet · 21/07/2025 07:53

Just wanted to add that also feel similar with auAdhd DD also 19, who also had rough transition to adulthood, it's like without the boundaries she fell apart. It's hard as a parent of an adult but with ALN , wanting them to be independent, but then realising they need help & guidance, whilst they're also fighting against it! My mantra is that we are doing the best we can! My DD has been hanging around with a rough crowd of late who call her 'sheltered', makes you realise that as much as we try look after them, we need to be building resilience too. Hope things improve for everyone💐

Tiredjusttired · 21/07/2025 10:13

Hi, lots of valuable advice has been given already, but I’d like to offer a different perspective.

Many young people struggle at your daughter’s age. Do not assume that adulthood and associated life skills come ‘naturally’ to those who have not experienced the things your daughter has experienced. Regardless of SEN, everyone can learn and that includes ‘how to be an adult’. Special schools do this very well - they teach young people how to dress for work, cook a meal, pack a bag for college etc. you can do this too, thus minimising the future ‘chaos’ you envisage when she starts uni.

My advice would be to make a plan, like a curriculum, of skills to teach your daughter that helps her to organise her life: budgeting, how to cook, how to organise folders of work, the importance of ‘a place for everything and everything in its place’ including an overhaul of her bedroom by way of practice.

Together, you can also have a look at uni support groups which she can join, finding solace with like-minded souls.

Rather than fretting, be proactive and be a team on this.

Octavia64 · 21/07/2025 13:01

@gogomomo

i’m really sorry your child didn’t get support.

my DD was at Newcastle and they were absolutely amazing. She was on student support level 3 and got an hour a week study support/adhd coaching as well as dsa funded a laptop for her and organisational apps like bird in hand.

she was also given access to video lectures as was often too anxious to attend.

i guess it varies a lot between unis.

Orangedoll · 22/07/2025 13:42

I’ve been in a similar situation OP. I don’t have anything to add that hasn’t already been said.

But I do have a tip about getting over the fear of meds - my DD was phobic about swallowing them but learned to do it by taking them with a fizzy drink. The bubbles made it travel down her throat practically unnoticed, and now 3 years later she takes them easily with water.

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