So disconnected from dd

[bendmeoverbackwards]

I have 3 dds, 24 22 and 18. Older 2 are back living at home after university.

Dd1 has become very uncommunicative and I’m finding it difficult to handle. We have autism in our family, dd3 has a diagnosis; dd1 doesn’t but pretty sure she is as well.

She works hard at her job, drives and is pretty self sufficient. But she barely says a word at home. When she gets home, not even a pop her head into the room to say hello. She eats and goes upstairs to her room.

I get that she’s tired from work and also her social battery might be low. But am I expecting too much by a few words from her? Sometimes I’ll knock on her door and say hello, ask how her day was. She gives monosyllabic answers and a clear message that she wants me to leave the room.

I feel we’ve lost all connection, it’s like living with a lodger ☹️

Have you tried talking with her about it? (Not when she gets straight in from work!) but at another neutral time? Maybe something external is affecting your daughter and she doesnt know how to share this? Equally, it may not be! But I thibk sharing your concerns with her, and working together as two adults to come up with some strategies to mitigate the current situation (which isnt working for you) to me, would be the simplest way forward. Perhaps carving out some time for you and her to do something together which you both enjoy would help you connect a little?

Dh and I have tried talking to her but she insists there is nothing wrong. We’ve offered to take her out for dinner or tea but she says she’s too busy with work.

Ask if there’s anything she’d like to do together or anything she’d like any help with?

Okay, well if shes said its nothing else, I would take her at her word. The current situation is obviously not working for you, so I would maybe try again with your daughter to spell out how her current behaviour is making you feel, and work together to find a solution that works for the two of you.
Maybe she’s finding she needs a bit more independence / wants her own space entirely and this has translated into her current behaviour (??). Again, it might not be at all, just throwing some things out there.
i’d pop the ball in her court: reiterate that you understand she works hard and needs down time; ask her which 2 hours next week (or whenever) suit HER best for some time, just the two of you, doesnt have to be a meal or activity - you could go for a walk or a drive and just chat and reconnect.
my perception of the situation is almost two different issues: behaviour after work not acceptable // not feeling connected to your daughter and I think the two kind of need to be respected differently, even though they are intertwined: so yes, ask her to pick some time for the two of you to connect, but JUST connect and do something positive, rather than like.. drive out half hour then (in her eyes) just nag at her about her behaviour.. does that make sense?
so I’d discuss the issue with her, but I’d also carve out the bonding time as separate, and not conflate it with the current behaviour situation.

obviously, I am just a random human and the end of a screen, feel free to disregard anything and everything if it is not useful or helpful to you. Best of luck

Or alternatively ask her to help you with something

I have a DS exactly like this. And he's not ND. He says he's drained from his job and commute by the end of the day.
I too feel disconnected.

Could your daughter move out? It doesn’t sound like the situation is working for either of you really.

My own DS is moving out in Sep to study further in another city. I expect to see more of him when he does!

At the moment she can’t afford to. And I don’t want her to think I’m encouraging her to leave. Of course I want all my dc to move out when they’re ready but I don’t want to kick them out!

She is an adult with a busy life and, yes, she is currently lodging in someone else's house. Maybe she is just frustrated that she doesn't yet have the full independence she needs? She's not 12 years old and coming home from school, so her need to interact with you is completely different. Maybe just let her do her own thing and don't fuss around her......

Its possible she wants to move out and would possibly be better company and make more effort with you/your DH if she did..

Thank you all. Forgot to add there is also an issue between dd1 and dd3. Dd3 has not spoken to dd1 for over a year and has been pretty horrible to her. Dd1 is not completely blameless in the situation but it’s not a 50:50 thing. I’m worrying that dd1 is hurt and upset about her sister’s behaviour and is trying to protect herself by being distant.

I could be completely wrong about this and reading too much into it. But I don’t know 🤷‍♀️

As an autistic female, it is exhausting doing a full days work, and coming home, transitioning into the home. sometimes all i can do is simple keep upright/shoes on and heat something simple and then eat as i regulate, sometimes I need to lie horizontal and breathe/be. I am lucky that i live alone now - but i lived with my mother for a short period and she found it hard because she's an extrovert and works from home. to me i needed peace where noone needed me, noone talked at me. once im regulated im chatty and happy to pop into the lounge etc but the transition of work/home is hard and tiring.

I relate to this hugely. I have a 20yo autistic dd who is like this. It's hard not to be hurt. She's home from uni for the summer and has a weekend job. She sees friends regularly. She has very little time for us. I understand she gets burnt out by contact with other people (I'm actually very similar) but it feels like everyone else gets something and I get absolutely nothing. I feel very disconnected. I feel like she's not actually able to give more so I can't ask but i don't know if it'll always be like this and the disconnect will worsen?