Should I Interfere

[zsbcghy]

Hi
My son is 18 years old and has no confidence at all. I took him to the cinema the other day and he was a totally different person, he was so shy and awkward to be around people.

He has no confidence to get a girlfriend, doesn't drink (which is a good thing) and stays in his room 24/7 on his gaming. He goes to collage but I don't know what he is like in collage, but he has no friends.

I was thinking of taking him to a city, near where we live and showing him what life is about, and how you can get confidence by having a few cocktails ( not getting him wasted) but getting that chilled vibe where he can approach a girl and start having a life. Am a wrong?

Just saying, because I am not an alcoholic but at my sons age (and younger) I had social anxiety which ruined my life. And I coped by using alcohol as it gave me friends and my soul mate who I am going to marry next year ( after 10 years of being together) If not for alcohol I would be alone forever, and still cutting my arms with razors!!

But at the same time I don't want him to become a drunk! I just want him to get by in life, have a wife, job and kids, but he won't because of no confidence. I mean everything worked great for me, but am I leading my son down the wrong path by doing this?

I have a lot of friends now who sons are going to the pub, drinking and getting girlfriends and working hard, it's just fun and something people experience in UK life.

Please don't do this. Encourage hobbies not alcohol.

Love him for who he is.

DS is like this. Nothing makes him more miserable and scared than forced socialisation. He comes out of his shell when he feels safe ands knows nobody is going to judge him for his preference for solitude. if he’d wanted to be like the other lads, drinking and shagging, he would be doing that by now.

dont try to change him. He needs unconditional love.

Makes sense. Thanks

He’s a still a baby, give him time. Once he gets out into the real world he’ll open up a little.

What about trying a sport instead? My DS (16) has made friends by going to the gym, for example. They can meet up there to work out or mess around on the basketball courts. He also plays pickup soccer with a mixed-aged group on Saturdays when he has time- it’s v. casual, whoever’s available turns up to play.

Now he’s trying boxing and kick boxing, which I’m not thrilled about (I secretly hope that he decides not to continue!) but at least he’s staying active. It’s much easier to make friends doing a shared activity.

Lots of young people don’t drink these days. I have noticed that amongst my young adult dc and their friends. Times have changed.

It is a really bad idea op!

My dc is similar to yours - shy and into gaming. I do worry but assume they will meet ‘friends’ or partners online and there are lots of different types of relationship set ups too.

This is a terrible idea in all ways possible. Teaching him to use alcohol “to cope” can have some serious lifelong consequences if he gets addicted.

I don’t agree with simply “loving him for who he is” because people should work on their issues and frankly most healthy people don’t want to be stuck at home 24/7, but he needs to find healthy ways to go about it.

Would he be open to joining clubs, activities, etc?

It's an absolutely appalling idea. If he learns he can only be confident with alcohol what do you think that's going to lead to?

Absolutely do not interfere. Leave him be.

Its sad that, at 18, you already seem to have written him off for having any kind of future (wife/kids etc) He is 18 FFS! He is still at the age where he is figuring himself out, who he is, what he wants to do with his life. He will figure all this stuff out on his own, in his own time.

It feels strange to me that you seem to be disappointed that he is not going out every weekend, drinking and picking up girls. Not every teen needs to do this. Not every teen WANTS to do this.

Love him for who he is and absolutely do not encourage him to drink to feel confident. Its a terrible idea.

Will he be going to university? That’s where a lot of people come out of their shell a bit more.

Getting a customer facing job also really helps.

Take him out to spend time with him, hang out together, have a fun time, do fun things HE likes.

Don’t try and “fix him”. Just love him instead.

24/7 in his room playing video games is the heart of the problem

You sound like you have asd. As people with asd often find alcohol helps. Alcohol isnt a thing with younger people these days. Tbh i dont drink anyways

I agree @inkognitha, he needs to get out and do some activities/meet people.

Don’t encourage or even introduce the idea of getting through life on Dutch courage. He is 18. Plenty of people are shy at 18 and come out of their shell afterwards. Being inside gaming is not v helpful in terms of progressing so he could do with an outside kind of hobby or a job that gets him out of himself.
But drinking is not the answer. With your MH background he could have inherited similar tendencies that you do not want to bring to the fore which alcohol can do. It is a depressant. Which people seem to forget.