Hello. This will be quite a long post so I must apologise for that first. I have a 26 year old DS who lives at home with me. He has a diagnosis of Aspergers (now known in the medical community as autism spectrum disorder), which he received when he was 18. There were signs that something wasn't right going back to when he was a child, although no one involved with DS at the time seemed to suspect autism as a possibility. I didn't know what autism or Aspergers was at the time, and I don't think there was as much awareness of it compared to now. I will try to describe what his current state of mind appears to be and what his daily routine is. He has a number of issues relating to social interaction, and some sensory issues which are centered around sensitivity to smells and bright lights. He has to have the blinds or curtains closed when he's in a room because he hates sunlight. He gets agitated by what most people would consider to be normal household smells. He very rarely leaves the house and will only go to places that are within walking distance. He doesn't drive and won't use public transport. He will only go to shops that have automated self-service checkouts because he doesn't like talking to employees at the regular checkouts. He also hasn't been to a hairdresser (barbershop) for a haircut since he was a child. I have to cut his hair for him. I don't like doing it and he doesn't like me doing it. He has said if I didn't do it he would just shave it off. He won't go to a hairdresser to get a haircut because he does not like having social interaction with people he doesn't know. I would say there are a number of unwritten rules of social interaction that neurotypical people just seem to inherently know, but he doesn't. These include knowing when it's his turn to speak and knowing when other people have finished talking, how close to stand to someone when talking to them, and just generally knowing how to talk to people without seeming awkward. Unfortunately he struggles in each of those areas.
He doesn’t work and has never actually had a job. He is usually up all night playing games and sleeps during the day. He has paid lip service to the idea of finding a job, but does not seem to have any plan regarding entering the world of work. I can't force anyone to give him a job, but he's shown no ability to get one of his own volition. He has no specific work-related qualifications or experience. To get a job you need some combination of qualifications, experience and references. He has none of those, but you need at least two of them to have any chance of getting a job. Ideally you need all three. That includes minimum-wage jobs. That's how it is in the UK, and I assume it's also the case in most other first-world countries. He also has no friends or acquaintances, and has virtually no interaction with anyone except me for months at a time. Other family members have essentially forgotten that DS exists. No one ever asks about him or what he’s doing. They stopped asking a while ago. He does not get invited to social events like weddings and parties. He has also never had a girlfriend. I can’t imagine any woman giving him the time of day because of the way he is. I unfortunately have no other children and I have reluctantly accepted that I will never have any grandchildren. If he somehow obtained a job that requires teamwork and communication with the people you're working alongside, as a lot of jobs do, I honestly think he would end up getting sacked or quitting on the first day. It wouldn't surprise me at all.
On a practical level, it's difficult having two adults in a house where only one is earning any money. He doesn't claim any benefits and has no other income source, so I'm having to prop him up financially. I have not been able to have a holiday for over 10 years as I don't think DS would cope at home on his own for a prolonged period. He can do the bare basics like getting washed and dressed and preparing food for himself, but if there is a problem that he can't sort out himself, then he will just capitulate. When events happen unexpectedly or there is a sudden change of plans, which most people just take in their stride and deal with, he can't manage. I believe most people have coping mechanisms when they are in difficult or challenging situations, but unfortunately he doesn't. That's been an issue since he was a kid. If there was a problem with something in the house - for example if the fridge or the boiler wasn't working, or there was a power cut - he would just be a headless chicken and wouldn't be able to cope. I have tried to convince myself that it could be worse and that I should just accept the situation for what it is. I tell myself that if he was going out getting into trouble with police, doing drugs etc, it could be a lot worse. I know deep down that just because things could be worse doesn't mean it's fine and normal for a 26-year-old to be unoccupied 24 hours a day, and having basically no interaction with anyone in the real world.
The situation has been ongoing for several years now. I don't want to throw him out but I am finding the situation increasingly difficult to maintain. I love him very much but I really need a break. It would be nice to have a holiday for a week and not have to worry about him the whole time. Unfortunately that's what I would be doing if I went on a holiday. I also worry quite a lot about what will happen to him after I pass away. I am in my late 50s. In the cold light of day, I know I'm closer to the end of my life than the beginning. If you have managed to read all that, do you have any opinions or advice for me?