Clare’s law DD abusive BF

[adultchildhelp]

Beside myself with worry so turning to you mumsnetters to see if anyone can help.

Background - DD is 23. Has ADHD (and I believe ODD) Can’t / won’t hold down a job, follow rules etc. Adult life has been moving from terrible boyfriend to terrible boyfriend. She moves in with them very quickly - hates living at home because there are rules.

Newest boyfriend has been on the scene probably 8 weeks. 3 weeks ago they split up after he got drunk and refused to let her leave his house. She left with a broken wrist; she called the police. They said this man had a history of violence and pushed her to make a statement (she didn’t).

At the weekend she went to an event with him and it was lovely and he’s had counselling and all is fine.

I’ve begged her to leave him as I’m terrified she’ll end up being controlled and hurt or even worse! She believes I am ridiculous and need to stop worrying (I’ve tried to make her realise that no mother would not be worrying in these circumstances!)

I applied for a Clare’s law disclosure to see his history. This has prompted the police to visit her but I’m not sure what to expect next - will the police contact me or just post/email the information?

thank you xxxx

The police won't tell you, they'll make a disclosure to her

Yes as PP said the police will make contact with your daughter and try and make the disclosure to her. You can’t do much other than be there for her. It must be awful for you.

Thanks. It’s just awful. I feel like I’m just waiting for a phone call to tell me something awful has happened.

So supposedly she has all the information now and still stays. I’m so frightened for her wellbeing.

Ive asked her to come to tea once a week at least so I can physically see her without him there because she’s said before that he’d checked her phone. I know she won’t. She just thinks I’m ridiculous for worrying because she doesn’t seem to see danger anymore.

I’m so sorry you’re going through this. My DD lives with her abusive boyfriend and its hell. I have no advice but just wanted you to send you some support. Mine is younger at only 19 but has been with him since 14 and it’s just been so awful. She left to live with him as soon as she turned 18. Her home life was fabulous but she has to be with him constantly or he will cheat, block etc. She’s a shell of her former self and has no friends or life. She would take zero notice of a Clare’s law if there was anything. He’s thick scum and she’s a capable young woman who just works to keep him.
Sending you a hug & strength

I really feel for both of you. I’m not going through this but my BF is with her DD whom I’ve know all of her life.

I try and keep in touch with her but keep the conversation light, I never text anything about him at all as I worry that he’ll read it and try and turn her against me.

You’ve probably read this advice from Womansaid already but just wanted to post in case anyone is reading this who hasn’t

I don't know what ODD is. Was her dad abusive or did she suffer trauma when she was younger?

She needs to do the Freedom Programme and listen to the police. If the police are warning her away, she's in danger. Is there anyone she listens to?

There was a thread on MN recently and unfortunately I can’t remember where it was. The one thing that stood out to me though was that there we’re professionals posting who are working in DV and supporting Women and families and they all said that they’ve never had a Woman leave their partner because of a Claire’s Law revelation. By the time the Police talk to the Woman her abuser will have alrwsdy spun her a whole web of lies and with the OPs DD being ND she may be more susceptible to the lies.

Have you talked to her about contraception, being tied to him for 18 years would be the worst thing to happen.

Thanks everyone.

Yes I’ve talked to her about contraception - she tells me she’d love to have a baby!

ODD is ‘a pattern of negative reactions to authority, hostility, and defiance’ Basically if she thinks someone in authority wants her to do something - she does the opposite! Even if it’s not what she really wants and not in her best interests.

I text her often and try to see her but she often says yes then doesn’t come or changes plans or cancels.

She really hasn’t been with him long at all - I can’t believe how worried I am every single day.

Please convince her that a baby is lots of hard work, the below quote is from me on another thread, I meant every word,,,,,
'it's basically utter shit, living under house arrest and cleaning up another human's shit, piss and puke for years on end wile the father fucks off and does what he wants'.

I’ve no idea how to convince her of anything. And because she’s got ODD, the more I try and tell her not to do something, the more likely she’ll be to do it!

What help and support to you have for yourself?

At present she is making 'informed choices'.

All you can do is be vigilant, non-judgemental of him, her or their relationship (you can ask her how SHE felt about when he did x, when he said y etc) - keep the channels of communication open.

But you must know that you re in for the long term and look after yourself and any other DCs you have.

How are things now @adultchildhelp? Have you managed to speak to anyone like Women’s Aid?