Do your DC have a very different perception of their childhood/family than you?

[lovemeblender]

Background: I'm white British, brought up in a fairly middle-ish class family. Married to someone from an immigrant background, family very large landowners in their heritage country but for political reasons not accessible. We are both postgrad educated, DH much more worldly educated than me, but very much a stereotypical immigrant mentality, eg bulk buy everything to save a few pennies, wear clothes until they are falling apart, buy absolutely everything second hand and use until it breaks. We only holidayed in UK and DH's heritage country until eldest DC was an early teen. Our friends are mostly tertiary sector workers, also from predominantly immigrant backgrounds so despite being doctors/surgeons/Big4 IT they live similarly to us. No one had blingy houses, cars or any markers that made them look wealthy as such.

3dc who are now young adults, they were all grammar educated, lots of extra curricular activities, horse riding, rugby, house full of books, all did very well in school. Money was always easily spent on educational/cultural capital activities. I did academic research work but was mostly a SAHM, and did a lot of community volunteering for children from deprived backgrounds to improve literacy. Any extra money we had went into the dc's child trust funds, and they got approx £40k each at 18, which was always intended as a deposit.

Eldest dc got involved in a sport in late teens that is viewed as a typically working class one, but at the top a lot of money is involved. He became quite immersed in this sport and most of his now friends are from this circle. From what I've seen/heard, they are from cash negative families but look wealthy. Eg drive very nice flashy cars, wear blingy designer clothes, eat at fancy restaurants etc, but don't have the money to do this and are in debt. It was to our huge disappointment (and anger) that DS essentially blew his £40k on buying cars, eating out, travelling and clothes. All of this has been a waste, but he really aspires to this type of lifestyle and describes his upbringing as "very working class". I was very shocked to hear him say this (simply because I don't think in my eyes it was a wc background at all!) but I'm annoyed that he is using it in the context of being underprivileged and deprived. He'll say things like "I'm like this now (ie prioritises money on personal designer items) because of my very working class upbringing", as if he was very poor and now needs to make up for it. I know children see things differently and feelings are valid etc, but this has particularly annoyed/upset me because I have been involved with children who are genuinely from deprived backgrounds that has really impacted their lives negatively.

The other 2dc appear to still be sensible (and CTF money has now been reinvested, so not even touched yet) so it's just DC1 who thinks like this. Just wondering if anyone else's dc have a completely different narrative on their background, compared to what you as a parent thinks.

Really interesting. I read his childhood the same way you do. Sensible, prioritising education and activities. Not flashy. I'm not sure if liking brands and spending can be attributed to any class or is just how some people live. It would make me feel nervous. Haha. My children are younger than yours but they have very different views on some things in their childhoods. We have a 2 week house sitting holiday every year that I think of as a rural idyll one of mine just told me it's the worst two weeks of the year. Just be glad the other two have saved the money they have been given.

What was/is your DH’s job?

I wonder if he’s rebranded himself as working class to fit in with his mates from the sport.

Also perhaps his childhood genuinely was tighter money wise than his siblings? This happens in some families, there is more spare money as parents get older/more senior/pay off mortgage and so the younger ones end up having a somewhat different experience money wise than the older one. Not suggesting he was deprived, clearly he wasn’t.

DH has a doctorate and worked in that field in industry until he had health problems. He now manages 2 small rental properties. In comparison to his friends he feels like the poor cousin I suppose, they are the type to have all the latest trainers/tech/cars/phones as soon as they come out. We were never like this (and still aren't) and he seems very resentful about this. The dc are all very close in age so had nearly identical experiences.

Oh boy, do I have opinions on this! Must be one in every family, my older brother is similar to your son, he has a very exaggerated/dramatic perspective of our childhood.

My mother is mentally ill and did a lot of things that weren’t great, but growing up we wanted for nothing in material and cultural terms. We’ve always had everything we could possibly want, private tutoring, several extracurriculars and holidays abroad (mostly with our immigrant side of the family, but later on my brother had plenty of other holidays paid for by my mother). He even went on Erasmus twice and objectively favoured over me.

He now is (as expected) in a good job earning very well, but he paints himself as Oliver Twist. My mother has overheard him saying some terrible things including that she was corrupt and has been very brokenhearted about it. I don’t know if it’s to make himself sound more interesting, maybe?

My DD has some different perceptions of her childhood too, I think it’s fairly normal but I do try to correct it if it’s really overblown.