Advice for dealing with when DS (23) comes back to live at home again?

[Pebbles574]

DS2 (23) will be returning after 4 years at uni and living with us at home again soon. We are happy for him to do this, and it has been generally agreed this is what will happen.

His chosen career is very low paid and it will take him a while to get established, so he may be around for a couple of years at least. Depending on what he earns, he will contribute to food/bills, but we will not charge him rent. (This is the same as what we did for his older brother who lived at home for a year post-uni, but has now moved out with his girlfriend.)

We love DS2 very much and often have some great times together - he, me & DH, but he can also be a bit difficult and self-absorbed at times. I'm already feeling a bit anxious, as DH and I have got into a new routine as empty-nesters.

I'm wondering if we need to set some new 'ground rules' when he returns, specifically around things that have caused tension in the past:

• use of the car/ checking if others need it/ refilling fuel etc
• dominating parts of the house e.g. settling down to watch a movie
• noise - early morning (6 am gym!) or late at night (11.30pm gaming)
• eating all the food/ sharing meal cooking/ tidying up etc

Any experience/ wise words?

I’ve got one of those!

The thing I’ve found helpful in terms of creating boundaries is to think of the young person as a housemate not one of your children.

To that end, house rules are vital. Expectations about keeping their own space (bedroom, bathroom if they have sole use) clean, doing their own laundry. What works for us is that the young person does their own catering (except for pre planned family dinners) so we’ve made a cupboard, a shelf in the fridge and freezer available for their sole use. The expectation is that they leave the kitchen in a reasonable state and put dishes in the dishwasher.

With regard to movements, the expectation is a text if pre declared plans are changing so we know if we can lock the front door. No micro managing of social life though - we didn’t know who they were with / what they were doing at Uni so unless they choose to share, Mums the word! Not unreasonable to ask them to be a considerate housemate and keep quiet if everyone else is in bed.

We don’t charge anything but made a clear suggestion that at least half of take home pay is put into a savings account. This is roughly equivalent to the rent of a room in a shared house where we live, so leaves realistic “fun” money to get used to for the future. It’s the kids who start earning and getting used to spending all their income that find it most difficult to flee the nest in my observance.

It’s going to take some bedding in, and some whinging (on both sides!) but I’m sure you will be able to navigate this!

Mine came home last year and as PP suggests, we have more of a 'housemate' type arrangement - doing own cooking and laundry and not expecting to be treated like a child. We also had an open discussion to establish rules, including courtesy around noise, coming home late, and not taking over the house. He doesn't pay rent but does pay towards bills, which have increased considerably since he moved back.

I think we will be doing evening meals together as he likes our home cooking, but we have already warned him that means he will need to cook for us all at least once a week!

However food generally has the potential to be the biggest issue as he eats a lot and is a bit thoughtless about eating all the leftovers and not checking about using things (e.g. six eggs bought yesterday will be gone by breakfast). Maybe him having his own shelf for breakfast/lunch food is the way to go, because when we're sourcing and paying for it he seems to have no upper limit!

@Pebbles574 i fear you may be making a rod for your back there. The reason I decided to insist on self catering rather than family dinners was the restricted menu (which may not be a factor for you) and timing issues - we like to eat later, young person as soon as they get home from work. What happens on the night that your YP is on the dinner rota and gets invited to after work drinks, or has to stay late, or can’t be arsed, or hasn’t remembered to do any shopping or hadn’t got any money to do the shopping? Having gone through this myself I’d strongly advise setting out a separate meal prep regime from the outset

Interesting thoughts - thanks for sharing.

I think this will have to be a 'see how it goes' for us. We won't have restricted diet issues, and we tend to eat early-ish, so it will depend on DS's work situation (as yet unknown!)
I don't want a situation where we're fighting to use the kitchen at the same time! I also see it as a way to help DS develop his cooking skills, as otherwise he will exist on eggs, stir-fried chicken & rice or bolognese!

My adult sons came home, when relationships ended.

We had a couple of rule - put their washing in the basket or it won't be done.
Don't leave the toilet in a state - use wipes, bleach and air freshener.
Bring down any mugs from upstairs.

They paid board but we provided all the food, cooked the meals, and I did the washing and ironing.

What about if he pays for all the food instead of contributing to food and bills? That might stop him in his tracks!

Can’t he get a house share with other young professionals in the same situation? Problem solved.

Not immediately no, he won't be earning enough consistently.

His chosen career is very low paid

Will his earnings increase or will he always be a low earner?

Following with interest as ds22 is due to move home at the end of this month. He will be off travelling for a few months though before starting full-time work. We won't be charging rent but will be asking for a contribution towards food and any increase in energy bills. I think it will be easier to just integrate his washing into ours, we have an 18 year old at home too so will expect the same house rules as we have with him I think. Just basic respect really, you don't leave the place in a mess, don't disturb people late at night and remember to text if your plans change (not coming home, don't need dinner etc). We are anticipating him getting itchy feet by the new year and wanting his own space again. Want him to feel welcome bur not too comfy!

It depends. If it stays low we’ll probably help him out to get his own place in due course.
He has some mild learning difficulties which make life a bit harder for him at times, which is why we’re happy to help him navigate the transition to living independently.

Both of mine came back for a year or so after uni. One came back three times, once post uni then twice over the pandemic years.
We are lucky to have plenty of room and I made a spare room into a little sitting room for him. It gave us all space and privacy.
Never charged lodge and I did all the cooking but we could afford whatever it cost.
Different if you are struggling financially.
Laundry integrated but they would do chores as asked such as gardening, cleaning bathroom etc.

It was lovely actually, their adult company was a pleasure.

No financial issues thankfully, and if he does 'pay' us for food we may save it and give it back to him later anyway.

It's just him developing the right attitude towards DH and I that I want to get right. As others have said, it's no longer child/parent, but more a respectful housemate.

It's difficult to explain, but I think DS being home affects DH's attitude around the house too - he gets a bit more sloppy about things too, but I am NOT tidying up/ doing all the cooking for both of them. But neither do I want to live in a tip or have no food in the fridge! 😩

My dd has just moved home again after Uni and a year abroad, and will be living with us while doing a Masters starting in September. Potentially her boyfriend may be moving in too if he get a Masters in London.

I haven't laid down any rules as such, she is pretty good generally and sneaks in quietly if she comes in late. She has a bedroom and sitting room and bathroom at the top of the house which is ideal I think, is there any way you could give him some living space? She is an only child hence this situation!

I try and treat her as I would any housemate, ie not ask when she will be in etc. I do ask her to let us know if she will be in for dinner if she possibly can, also she does cook for all of us quite a lot which is great.

She does her own laundry, shopping, cooking when not eating with us and keeps her rooms ok. I do insist they are tidy once a week when the cleaner comes but fortunately she has grown out of her total pigsty phase

We’ve had ds home for a year -it’s been a challenge, he’s learning slowly to respect our requirements. Family meal times - he’s expected to contribute- cook twice a week or eat by himself - he reluctantly chose to cook. Cleaning didn’t happen. So got a cleaner - he will contribute to this. Attitude has improved but still someway to go. Can only have boyfriend stay at weekend.
I’d rather he moved out - he causes stress - unintentionally. I feel like he expects me to fix all his problems - it’s exhausting.