From an adult 31 yr old daughter ~ So today, my mom called me evil again because I told her I might not be able to have time to go to lunch with her tomorrow.. honestly I could. But our relationship has been rough lately. Every single time we’ve met up, we’ve had an argument. I am fine up until she starts judging and falsely accusing and trying to force me into a correction that comes from a misconception.. also, I’ve always been more of an introvert who’s kept to themselves. I don’t even go out with friends. Her and I are very different too.. but since my late twenties I have made an effort to spend more time with her. But it’s hard and I need to vent out why…
last Mother’s Day, my mom wanted me to go to church as a family with her. I am a follower of Jesus but I feel a certain way about church so I don’t really go. But this time, I said okay. I wanted to make her happy. On Mother’s Day I had to work, but I promised to go the next week. She agreed. I still brought her a gift in the evening after I was done working.. to which she responded , “ please take this back. Why did you buy this, you need to have sense. Why did you bring me flowers, I don’t need any of this, take it back now.” With an angry and annoyed tone. That upset me, so I just left. We were supposed to watch Korean dramas but I just didn’t want to be around her at that point. She proceeded to call me hateful, evil, bad, unloving daughter. So I blocked her. She does this all the time and I just can’t take these words anymore. They hurt. But she apologized later and I let go of the situation.. the next week when she picked me up for church, my partner of 5 years came along too. The judgement began as soon as I got in the car. She was hard staring at my partner through the rear view mirror, asking, “why don’t you wear a hat?” In her usual unsatisfied tone, Every time he does wear a hat, she tells him to not wear a hat. This was a bad start, and due to our bad streak, we couldn’t tolerate it. So we went back home…
after Mother’s Day, I had a real bad eczema flare up. All over my face and I ended up with an infection. I was worried my mother would overreact and didn’t want her to see me until it was better. She refused to respect that boundary, came over to my home and walked right in my room. I hid under the covers telling her it’s best not to see me right now. She whipped off that blanket and gasped “oh my God!! You need to go to the hospital!!” I told her I was already seen by a doctor, and that more stress and panic only makes my symptoms worse. I freaked out and told her she needs to leave because I need to rest. She accuses me of drugs immediately, so I get even more angry. She pushes her knuckle into my head angrily, and this time I push her out my bedroom door. She accused of me not even seeing the doctor, and I showed her my prescription. She then calls me possessed and I have a demon in me. I get more upset at her, and while ignoring my cries to stop and leave me alone, she prays “in tongues”. I tell her this stress is going to make my eczema worse, and she tells me I’m programmed by my partner.
she lacks respect for my partner even though he’s the only reason why they are still able to keep their business going. My dad has had cancer, treatment making him unable to do the labor of carpet cleaning, my partner has been helping him every day without asking for any pay in return and On top of still making money at his own job. We just get help with rent when we need it as we are staying in a condo she owns and rents to other people. I’ve been taking classes so I can get a better paying job. But whenever I talk about moving, she accuses me of abandoning her. When I have lived elsewhere, she’ll send me videos of her crying and saying she needs me back. And with my partner, well she hates him. Says he’s bad when he’s done them no wrong. She thinks he’s the reason why I don’t want to be around her, when she does these things that push me away herself. She doesn’t treat me like an individual. She blames anyone around me, even my dad and sister sometimes, for just being the way I am. And my whole life, I just wanted her to accept me and not judge harshly, thinking the worst, so we can have a good relationship. But now I’m at a point where I can’t even be around her without problems and I kind of want to give up so I can get my life going. She puts me down and tries to manipulate me into thinking I’m bad so she can take more control of my life. Or am I wrong? She’s done this since I’ve had enough consciousness of my own. I’m just done with her calling me evil for no real reason and making me feel awful for simply not wanting to go to lunch with her. what is the best thing to do here? I also just can’t leave my dad hanging, and she refuses to retire a year early. Even saying he might need to work several more years. He is physically incapable! She calls me evil, but the way she acts is almost evil in my opinion. :( I’m just at a loss with her. And counseling doesn’t work.. whenever we’ve had one, she just doesn’t like what they have to say. She just wants to be right and everyone to circulate the reality she wants. She tells me she doesn’t love my dad either and he gets treated with a lot of anger and resentment.
I don’t know what I want out of this post, but I just feel like I need to vent. And I don’t know what a normal relationship with mom is like. Maybe some advice and reassurance is what I need. Am I the bad one here, for not wanting to be around her? I know I am a very sensitive person, but I do love her and I want a good relationship. I just don’t think that’s possible without me just putting on a double personality.