Help advice needed

[Loujan70]

Hi everyone,
I’m reaching out for help I don’t know what to do anymore. My son is 32, and he’s a nightmare he can’t manage his money, lends off everyone and I mean me my mum anyone. He earns £3000 a month pays hardly any bill including his rent, he gambles, lies, manipulates me and my mum. He has a good job, but can’t manage his money. I’ve taken control over his wages before now, but he then cancels the standing order. He has taken all my savings slowly over the years, I’m in debt after taking loans out to bail him. He threatens to kill himself when he gets into a financial mess. Guilts me and also verbally abusive at times saying what a bad mum I am. I’m sick of it. It’s affecting my health. I have ms recently diagnosed and just feel mentally drained. I dread his payday. So again he’s not paid his rent and the texts begin. So I’ve blocked him. And I can’t have him back home I can’t deal with him under my roof. He won’t listen when I say he needs help.

please be gentle thanks to anyone who reads x

I'm sorry to hear that you are having to deal with this along with the diagnosis of Ms. Bottom line is that you can't help him until he's motivated to help himself. Tell him you and your mother have nothing to give and stick with it, no matter what he comes up with. It will get worse before it gets better but he has to take responsibility for his own actions.

You’re doing the right thing op in stepping back.

He’s a fully grown man and needs to deal with the consequences of his actions or he’ll never change his behaviour. He’ll take you down with him if you let him and we don’t owe that to anyone, even our children. Putting a boundary down is important for both of your well-being.

When he’s ready he could seek support from Gamblers Anonymous or the GP.

Sorry to hear about your MS diagnosis and the debt you’ve got into.

I know it’s just hard when he says he’s going to end his life. I feel guilty as if it’s my fault. Thank you so much for your support xx

I’ve blocked him from messaging me as it impacts so much on my physical and mental wellbeing. But I feel like a terrible adult parent and unblock him after a number of days xx

Do you think it’s just gambling? Gambling often goes hand in hand with alcohol and drug use.

Regardless, it is an addiction. You did well in cutting him off, otherwise it’s just enabling. I’ve been there myself and it didn’t help. He needs to hit rock bottom and then eventually get help in his own terms.

To be honest I don’t know because he tells that many lies I never know what to believe any more. Thanks so much for your support and response. How long did yours last xx

@Loujan70 in my case it’s my boyfriend, that’s why I asked if you’re sure it’s just gambling. He (and many others, he worked at a pub so unfortunately I know so many stories) only gambled when coupled with drugs, not sober.

Your son earns quite well, so it’s definitely an addiction. It won’t be magically fixed, he needs to want it, and it seems like he’s not at that point yet. You need to protect yourself.