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Parents of adult children

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Original poster

DD spiralling. Is this where a life coach is appropriate?

21 replies

SoeurFayre · 29/05/2025 15:22

DD finished university and is working in a casual minimum wage job ever since. She's living at home and is very hard to live with.

She hates her job. She rants to us all the time and shoots down our suggestions and then says we are not even trying to help her.

The thing is she has never been happy. Every job she has had she has moaned and cried about. Uni accommodation and the uni, the same. Everything is always "harder" for her.

The thing is, she is a very capable, bright girl with a fabulous, confident and sweet personality (with anyone other than family). She doesn't know what she wants to work at, has a boyfriend she doesn't really want to be with.

I think we spoiled her. Gave her everything, paid for everything and cushioned her a lot because at 15 she had a breakdown and suffered from depression for 5 years more or less. She says she is better now and it's not depression but from my pov that was a terrifying time and I am scared she will end up like that again. So to some extent I am held hostage by the fear of her depression.

I cannot think of practical advice other than a session with a career guidance person or a life coach.

I am wondering if this post uni slump is typical?? And should I be doing something else to help (or help less!)

OP posts:
Offeritup · 29/05/2025 15:25

It can be post Uni slump but it sounds like she's still slightly depressed. I'd try counselling and checking to see if it is still depression.

HenDoNot · 29/05/2025 15:26

How long ago did she leave uni? How old is she?

springintoaction321 · 29/05/2025 15:31

I'm wondering what her degree was in and whether she would be happier working in a related field? Or whether it's a general malaise.

I didn't reply on your poll as I don't really think the answer is there- if that makes sense.

Original poster
SoeurFayre · 29/05/2025 15:34

She's 23. Finished uni just recently but uni work tapered off 3 months ago. So it's not been heavy study and exams and then a cliff edge to this stage. Most of the work wound up early Feb.

OP posts:
Original poster
SoeurFayre · 29/05/2025 15:35

She's been home since Easter, maybe even a few weeks before.

OP posts:
Readytohealnow · 29/05/2025 15:38

Now does not sound like the time for her to be launching herself into a career and big life plans. She needs to work on herself.

CharlotteRumpling · 29/05/2025 15:39

Therapy from a trained counsellor rather than life coaching.
Can she afford to move out so she is not tempted to use you as a punching bag?

Ukholidaysaregreat · 29/05/2025 15:39

I think the end of Uni is a difficult time if you don't have a 'career' job lined up. Which very few people do. People can feel in limbo and stuck as to what to do next. She is lucky to have supportive family and she can apply for jobs she would be interested in. She might need medication for depression. Might be worth her talking to a GP about it.

grizzlyoldbear · 29/05/2025 15:44

It sounds like her life/sense of belonging etc has expanded and then contracted very rapidly which would make me feel depressed.

A life coach would be good, or something deeper, preferably counselling if she's open to that but something is definitely better than nothing.
It is a difficult transition, she's trying to be an adult, but it sounds like she's very much still a child. What it any singular event that caused the breakdown or a culmination of things? Try not to worry, I'm sure she'll get through it x

Viviennemary · 29/05/2025 15:50

I think a coach or counselling would be a good idea. Maybe further study. She hasn't been at home very long. She needs to have something to work towards.

Womblingmerrily · 29/05/2025 15:53

So she hasn't graduated yet?

Is she waiting for final results?

It sounds more like she needs careers advice and her university should have that available for her.

I think it's a really hard time after university, when one phase of your life is over and you're not quite sure what comes next.

I recognise the suggestions being shot down when you're trying to help - often with a 'you don't understand' vibe.

I would leave her to it, sympathise with the crappy job (we've all been there) and wait it out.

If she asks for specific help, that's different.

CocoPlum · 29/05/2025 16:07

A breakdown at 15 isn't normal, lots of children are spoiled/cushioned and that doesn't lead to a full breakdown. It may be that she was always prone to anxiety/depression and pressures of GCSEs hit? Is there a chance she is ND? I have a couple of friends with autistic daughters and from around age 13+ things got MUCH harder (no real signs of ND until then).

HenDoNot · 29/05/2025 16:14

Ok, not actually graduated yet then.

I’m fully expecting DS to have a post-uni slump around August after graduation. However he sounds a totally different kettle of fish to your DD. He’s generally really positive and extremely grateful to us for paying his way through uni.

Does she know how she’s done, what grade she’s getting? Do you know how she’s done? The moaning about uni, accommodation, and how Everything is always "harder" for her is almost like she’s preparing you for something?

Anyway, if anything it sounds like she needs some careers advice and maybe some proper therapy.

I’d avoid “life coaches” at all costs, they’re completely unregulated and the two people I know who have dabbled in life coaching - their own lives are a complete car crash, I wouldn’t go to the for advice or coaching about anything. And I would imagine they could do some real harm to someone predisposed to depression or mental health issues.

Thickleorfickle · 29/05/2025 16:25

Oh OP, did you go to university? That period right after finishing your course can be really tough it’s post-uni blues. It's a super weird time, unsettling.

It actually sounds like she’s doing alright: she’s finished her studies and has a job, which is no small achievement.

Can you share what she studied? Maybe we can offer some advice or support based on that.

And honestly… maybe she just needs to dump the boyfriend.

dotdotdotdash · 29/05/2025 16:38

I agree with @Thickleorfickle that the post university period can be very difficult and she may need more support (without ‘what will you do next’, pressure). I wonder with her having a breakdown in mid teens; and finding life particularly hard and contentment illusive, if she might have traits of Borderline or emotionally unstable personality disorder. Worth looking at this as it indicates particular treatment like dialectical behaviour therapy, which can really help. I have a close relative with BPD and it’s a tough road for everyone, but knowing the issues helps us all with communication and supporting them in the right ways.

HankAndThePoodle · 30/05/2025 10:32

She should be able to access Careers advice through her Uni. They will be keen to get her in a professional role as it will effect their GOS results. I would definitely recommend getting in touch with them to see if there is further support they can offer. Most offer ongoing support for the first couple of years.

verycloakanddaggers · 26/09/2025 06:23

It sounds like therapy would be helpful, rather than life coaching, so she can think about what's really going on for her. This comment reads a little strange (the speech marks make it sound dismissive, is that how you meant it?) Everything is always "harder" for her given the facts you share at 15 she had a breakdown and suffered from depression for 5 years more or less - things ARE harder for people who have had breakdowns and who were depressed for long periods. Five years is nearly a quarter of her whole life, she will have missed a lot and potentially still feels big effects.

Has she ever had a decent, lengthy course of therapy? I also wonder if you might benefit from reading up on supporting young people and how parents can help - your comments about her shooting down your suggestions - potentially she's trying to tell you how she feels, rather than asking you to tell her what to do about a practical problem. It may be that you're not hearing what she's trying to say because you are reacting to your fears about all this.

YelloDaisy · 26/09/2025 06:25

I struggled with making friends, fitting in -anxiety made it hard to learn in a new job -turns out I have adhd. Could this be a factor.

jakeperalta22 · 29/09/2025 08:32

SoeurFayre · 29/05/2025 15:22

DD finished university and is working in a casual minimum wage job ever since. She's living at home and is very hard to live with.

She hates her job. She rants to us all the time and shoots down our suggestions and then says we are not even trying to help her.

The thing is she has never been happy. Every job she has had she has moaned and cried about. Uni accommodation and the uni, the same. Everything is always "harder" for her.

The thing is, she is a very capable, bright girl with a fabulous, confident and sweet personality (with anyone other than family). She doesn't know what she wants to work at, has a boyfriend she doesn't really want to be with.

I think we spoiled her. Gave her everything, paid for everything and cushioned her a lot because at 15 she had a breakdown and suffered from depression for 5 years more or less. She says she is better now and it's not depression but from my pov that was a terrifying time and I am scared she will end up like that again. So to some extent I am held hostage by the fear of her depression.

I cannot think of practical advice other than a session with a career guidance person or a life coach.

I am wondering if this post uni slump is typical?? And should I be doing something else to help (or help less!)

Yes life coach or personal growth coach can be of help if you have to work on set goals but if you need to get empowered to gain confidence resilience and change in mental patters or you have faced adversity and want to change your story and rewrite it Transformational Coach is your best bet!

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 29/09/2025 08:53

CocoPlum · 29/05/2025 16:07

A breakdown at 15 isn't normal, lots of children are spoiled/cushioned and that doesn't lead to a full breakdown. It may be that she was always prone to anxiety/depression and pressures of GCSEs hit? Is there a chance she is ND? I have a couple of friends with autistic daughters and from around age 13+ things got MUCH harder (no real signs of ND until then).

This.

My dd ‘broke down’ at 15, and took 5 years to recover. This is the normal length of ND burnout.

She sounds ND.

ArseInTheCoOpWindow · 29/09/2025 08:54

dotdotdotdash · 29/05/2025 16:38

I agree with @Thickleorfickle that the post university period can be very difficult and she may need more support (without ‘what will you do next’, pressure). I wonder with her having a breakdown in mid teens; and finding life particularly hard and contentment illusive, if she might have traits of Borderline or emotionally unstable personality disorder. Worth looking at this as it indicates particular treatment like dialectical behaviour therapy, which can really help. I have a close relative with BPD and it’s a tough road for everyone, but knowing the issues helps us all with communication and supporting them in the right ways.

ASD girls are often misdiagnosed with BPD

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