Adult DD / DP

[handyandy1]

My Dd is 25 & DS 18. I am divorced from their Father for 12 years. I had a long term relationship for 9 years and we lived together which didn’t work out. I am now in a very good relationship that I see going the distance. The issue is my DD, she is highly educated but refuses to work, so stays at home all day every day. She has no friends / boyfriend or life outside of our little family of three. I see my partner twice a week. She does not see a reason why I should see him more, and does not want him in our house more than twice a week max. She really likes him, but doesn’t want our relationship to develop further. We are both in our 50’s and would like to see each other more & develop our relationship. I’ve known him for many years as friends so this doesn’t feel rushed as we had a very solid friendship. How do I speak with my daughter to approach this? She will shout & be very nasty, then not speak for days and sit and cry. I really don’t want to upset her, but I’m loving life with my partner and would like more. Or am I being a terrible mother by introducing a second man into her life and developing a relationship with him? My relationship with my daughter is the best it ever has been, so I don’t want to upset her. She has no plans to ever move out.

Once again, thank you for all your responses. Apologies for not replying direct. There is no reason why she can’t work, she is educated to MSc level, there are no jobs in our area for the industry she wants to work in and she doesn’t want to live away and won’t work outside her industry. I no longer give her an allowance and I am slowly withdrawing other financial support, such a car insurance as it comes due.
I want her to move on with her life as much as I want to move on with mine. I just know the wrath I will face when I do finally put my big girl pants on and deal with her!! But I will, thank you for you time in all your responses, I really appreciate it. They have made me realise that I am not a terrible person!

One option which I have seen work with adult children at home is enforcing that they need to be working 35 hours a week.
That work can come in the form of study (if they’re self funding); work at a job (of their choice) or in the home (you leave a list of jobs each day).

You can be flexible and allow for things such as job interviews etc but the basic starting point is anyone living in this house needs to work.

Going from my own experience, it will have to get worse before it gets better.

My DD and I get along perfectly… as long as everything stays her way. I thought this was fine because I assumed she’d want to move away for uni (since she’s always complaining about living here) and turns out assuming things only came to bite me back.

My DD seems happy to stay at home almost 24/7. If she has to see friends more than once a month she gets angry/annoyed, like it’s their fault for inviting her, but she unreasonably stingy with money, to the point I think she needs therapy to sort it.

You need to start upping the expectations/demands, otherwise she’ll stay as is forever. I ended up addressing this in counselling as I was having such a hard time, I felt like the worst parent in the world by simply expecting things. I’ve created a rota and we’ll be talking finances (today, in fact), as well as me explaining clearly that I expect my boyfriend to move in next year. It will be 3+ years, frankly he’d already be in if I had it my way. I stayed single throughout my single parenting years until she turned 18, I’ve done my time.

This is ridiculous. Simply tell her she has no say in what you do with your life and she's free to move out if she doesn't like it. I was married at her age!

Glad to hear you’re withdrawing some of the financial help, but you need to take this further.

At 25, she needs to be covering all of her own expenses and paying you some board (even if you quietly save it to give back to her at some point).

I would also hope that there’s a fair division of workload in the home too. She needs to be cleaning and washing and cooking dinner a few nights a week, working or not.

You are going to have to toughen up and make home less comfortable. Also, bring your partner over more often!

I will not be gentle with you @handyandy1 because I actually think you are a terrible parent ! Your guilt from divorcing her dad has made you think that you have to somehow compensate your daughter by letting her remain a little girl. That's not good parenting ! Good parenting is about lovingly setting out boundaries and expectations that will make your children grow into independant adults.

If I want to maintain a "good relationship" with my teenage boys I just have to let them play video games and eat fast-food all day. But their health and wellbeing is more important than our (frequently) falling out. Because I know that what I'm doing is good for them even though they might not realise it right now. That's called parenting.

You being afraid of having a conflict with your daughter is very selfish on your part: she doesn't need to grow up which is affecting her MH. She doesn't think she's able to because you don't think she's able to letting her stay doing nothing wasting her life away. And in the end you also have the negative consequences : she wants to dictate how you live your life as well because you're too enmeshed.

Sorry OP for being hard on you. I just want you to realise that your actions so far have been selfish even though you think the contrary. I would strongly recommend you to see a therapist to help you see more clearly on the situation and helping you set out healthy boundaries and expectations. Your daughter should also see a therapist to help her grow into the young, independant woman she has potential of becoming.

I do hope you can work on this. You seem really lovely but just very lost (due to past experiences no doubt). 💗

I'm going to be honest, you're at risk of being abused by your daughter. She has no right to control you and once she establishes control in one area, she will move on to other areas. Is that how you want to live?

The kindest thing to do would be to give her a deadline for either moving out or getting a job. She won't do either whilst she doesn't have to. Oh and do what you want in your own home.

She is controlling and using emotional blackmail, it's gone on far too long and you need to stop enabling it now.

Through guilt you've let your DD control you Op, now your dynamics are screwed up and she thinks she's in charge. If you try to make her change she won't like it but it needs to be done, invite your friend over whenever you like, if she doesn't like it that's tough luck.
You divorced, you didn't neglect and starve them, so drop the guilt and enjoy your life

You’re enabling her.

You’re making your own bed.

She’s 25 not 14!! She needs to make her own life and move out in to a house share

I assume she has not signed on - that helps because they will give her access to opportunities she cannot easily turn down. Unfortunately, we have quite a few family members who left school and spent a year (sometimes more) in their bedrooms - the young adults that finally escaped this depressing existence are so much happier working and regret the length of time it took them to leave their rooms - none are fully independent yet - late twenties still living at home though - baby steps!

Thank you so much for sharing your experience, our situations sound identical - down to how long we have been with our partners.

Thank you, you are not the first person to have said this exact thing, some in my family do too.

You are 100% right. If I could go back and bring her up differently I woukd do everything differently. I am lost as to what to do, that’s why I posted, but the responses I have had & really appreciate are helping me come up with a plan to address this, as much for her growth and benefit and mine.

I'm glad that you're taking in what others have said

Your role as a parent is to equip her for independent life as an adult. At 25 she needs to be making her way in the world by living away from her parents. She, and you, need a plan for her moving out. She needs encouraging to see the benefits of having her own space and her own life.

So we had our conversation already and while it started very shaky, it ended on a good note and DD seems happy with my overall plan!

I was as generous as I reasonably could in terms of what contributions to expect (at first she refused straight away) and then to end the conversation I mentioned that my partner might move in (or us both finding a new place, but with enough bedrooms of course) while she’s still at home and that it wouldn’t be up for discussion. She took it very well, asked some follow up questions but it seemed fine.

I'm so pleased that it went so well eventually. | need to have the conversation with her soon, even if its just to stop the sick feeling in my stomach at the thought of having to do it! I will be so relieved if it goes as good as your conversation has.

Your DD can’t dictate your life at 25. It also shouldn’t be a choice to not work, by allowing this you’re enabling the behaviour which isn’t helpful in the long run.
does she contribute to the house at all? She should be paying towards rent and bills and get her life on some kind of track somewhere.
could she be depressed?

If you're feeling nervous about speaking to your own DD then there's a lot gone awry Op.
Tell her your plans and if she shouts or cries don't let it derail you, your DD is still reacting like a child, not an adult, and that won't help her in life.
Your Ex isn't helping but it's easy for him to side with her, he knows she won't ask to move in with him and his GF.
Time to woman up, either she gets her own life or she learns to live with your DP, her choice, but make her do something with her life, she can't go on clinging to being a DC forever