Is this normal for a 20 year old home for the summer?

[ConstantIllness]

Very disinterested in me, dh and ds.
Barely talks to us except in passing.
Spends most of her time in her room or with friends when not at her summer job.
Mostly civil but sometimes hurtfully dismissive e.g sighing or rolling eyes when we try to engage her in conversation.
Asks us nothing about us, occasionally "how was your day" (maybe once a week)
Not interested in watching anything with me/us
Have invited her on walks, to lunch, or asked if she'd like a long weekend away with me (to try and foster some closeness) but most is rejected. This is not done all at once but casually and occasionally.
She is autistic but well aware of the fact that other people have feelings, but seems to only relate this to her friends.
I'm struggling very badly with her attitude. Is it within the realms of normal for this age (though we do feel she's really immature and more like a 17/18 year old)

As you say you have no experience of it ..

Dd behaved like this on her placement year and possibly worse, the contempt she showed towards me was unbearable. I had a very frank discussion with her about the impact of her behaviour and said if my new adult rules didn’t work out we couldn’t live together any more and given it was my house she’d be the one who had to move. I was very fair, acknowledged things I would change too. She was an adult and it was time to stop behaving like a teenager.
The air was cleared and if I even got a hint of disrespect I ask her if I detect an attitude.

Standing my ground helped- relationship building and being nice didn’t. Respecting her need for space and letting her know it was ok for her to spend loads of time in room helped. She’s coming back permanently in June - I hopes that things will go well but if not I think it’s better that she moves out than I feel abused - living at home with us is a gift - we have a lovely life which she is welcome to be part of but I won’t be mentally abused in my own home - and I could never feel close to someone who abuses me, I still loved her but I didn’t like her very much.

i think they leave as teenagers, grow up at Uni but regress into teen habits when they get home. It’s not acceptable. They are full of righteous on behalf of everyone except their parents. When I confronted her on how abused I felt she was genuinely shocked.

I won’t be a doormat for anyone and neither should you op.

we have a lovely life which she is welcome to be part of but I won’t be mentally abused in my own home - and I could never feel close to someone who abuses me, I still loved her but I didn’t like her very much.

I feel the same way @Sleeplessinmetal. Anyone who mentally, verbally, or physical abused me in my own home would be asked to leave, including my adult children. I’m not having that behavior in my house.

It may be normal behaviour but that doesn't mean the normal response should be to let it go. Challenge anyone who treats you like dirt, especially people you love who profess to love you. Never ever let anyone treat you with disrespect while you love them in return.

People are always asking me wistfully what the secret to my very strong, long happy marriage is, and how come I have such close, happy relationships with my adult DC and how come they never behaved badly in their teens but were so warm and respectful. Because the few times DH or DC tried to belittle me, they weren't allowed to get away with it a second time. Everyone wins. They are nicer people and you are happier in their company.

Good post. That’s what I remember feeling like on my (rare) visits home from university.

Thanks for the various opinions. It sounds like it's on the spectrum of normal with extra unnecessary rudeness thrown in, and that's what I should address. Sleeplessinmetal and winterfox thank you, your approach is what my gut is telling me to do.

Today she has said she wants me and dh to leave the entire house (our bloody house) while she has an online appointment in an upstairs closed room. Because obviously we have nothing better to do than have a glass pressed up against the door listening in?

Leave the house?! Yeah I’d definitely be having words about that one. Well, to be honest, I’d probably be laughing my socks off at the sheer audacity of asking!

Leaving the house, that's ridiculous, the audacity! I'm very laid back and lenient on my dcs when they're got attitude but even I wouldn't leave the house.

It's interesting seeing the different ways parents manage in the same situation.

I'm going to be more direct about the way I feel when dd is rude to me rather than brushing it off or letting it go.

Full disclosure though - I had to put dd well and truly in her place - once and it worked.
Ds it's more of a challenge - he is neurodiverse - not sure if that's relevant to his behaviour but with him - the only thing that works and it looks like it only properly works short term (he's gradually improved but still, his outbursts are still too frequent) is to withdraw all support.
I hate living in an atmosphere, I won't be spoken to in a disrespectful way, I won't tolerate it - I grew up in a family that argued all the time and I don't want to live like that - so if that's his bag, he can go elsewhere.
Dh won't battle with ds directly - their relationship suffered too much when he did - they aren't as close, but he will stand up for me unreservedly - we always present a united front, it's always dh and I against the world and the kids know it.

@ConstantIllness Ha, ha, have the entire house to herself for an online appointment…how does she think that people manage when they’re working wfh and have meetings?

We close doors!

Although I’m sure you’ll be pressed up against the door with a glass ‘cos we parents have nothing better to do than be extremely nosey. 🤣

Please don't. Tell her she doesn't get to dictate when and how you inhabit your own home, which you paid for and maintain. If she needs this level of privacy, she can either go back to her student digs or calm down and realise you are too busy to be hovering and listening in.

Sounds pretty standard to me. Maybe she resents the fact that lack of funds has forced her back for several months.
When you've been living away, it's very hard to return to your old life - I always hated going back to my folks in the long holidays, especially as they charged me rent!

But, obviously, if everyone else is doing their share, she does still have to do chores.