How to parent DS19

[NoKnickerElastic]

Wasn't sure whether to put this in mental health but it's really a plea for advice about parenting a depressed late teen.
DS is just finishing the end of his 1st year at uni. He's 3 hours from home. I would definitely have preferred him to take a year out as I felt he wasn't emotionally mature enough to go it alone but it was his choice and he's seen the year through. It's been an incredibly difficult year. He's struggling with day to day living in every way. To give an example, he came home for a weekend when we said we'd like to talk. He brought back one ruck sack of dirty clothes, no toiletries, no toothbrush, not even his anti depressants medication. He was diagnosed with depression in January which we are trying to support him with but he is just so difficult to communicate with. We're so worried about pushing him away with constant questions but need some level of reassurance from him that he is able to prioritise his wellbeing. I've suggested looking into some time out of his course, getting a proper mental health assessment done to get him some targeted help (we'd pay privately if necessary) but he's like a stone wall. He gives us nothing in terms of reassurance and is like a black cloud wandering around when he's home. We try and keep home conversations upbeat & light but do ask him to get a job because we are finding funding his university studies financially crippling. He says things are "fine" at uni yet he doesn't get involved in anything, no clubs, he's refused to look for work and has by his own admission missed a huge amount of lectures during this first year. We can't force him home, nor would I want to if he's genuinely ok but we just don't see that he is! I'm at a total loss, how do we navigate this? Continue to try and get regular check ins with him or just back off entirely?

You don't parent an adult. You can only support them.

Unfortunately you get the horrible situation of being financially responsible for them (through student maintenance), emotionally responsible for them (because they're you're child) but with very few options on decision making.

You can not force him to reassure you about his health - that is his own personal business.

Finance wise, are you having to provide him with more money that the parental contribution? If he's asking for more top-up than this than asking him to get a job would be appropriate. Otherwise, the parental contribution is what you have been assessed as able to provide based on your income. You should not be making him feel guilty about this or using it to pressure him.

It is an extremely frustrating time for parents, but that frustration is for you to deal with.

Continue to be there, offer support but not judgement or demands.

Thank you, this is the sort of talking to I need. We are certainly not hanging the parental contribution over his head. We get the minimum loan but because of where he studies that barely covers rent. We accept our responsibility but honestly he's living on a pittance and we are sending regular top ups and food deliveries etc. We do really need him to help himself and get a job (which I also believe will help his self esteem) but our primary focus is on his mental wellbeing and knowing how to approach this. But your comment about the frustration is mine to deal with is right, I'll keep this in mind and try hard not to put that on him.

I am actually sympathetic because I have children the same age.

It's really really hard. You have to watch them make decisions that range from unwise to downright dangerous and sort of wait until they ask you for help or finally acknowledge it's all got too much.

It does depend on their personality though - I have children who tolerate my advice (and then do whatever they want anyway) but others who might have made a good decision had I not said something and then do the opposite to spite me.

Wake me up when they're 30

I have two kids, one with adhd who is just finishing up at uni.

you need to separate out what is within your control and what is not.

what is:
paying your financial contribution
letting him stay at home in the holidays
helping him if he asks for it

what is not:
whether he gets a job
whether he goes to lots of clubs and societies
whether he goes to lectures

first year really really is a transition year. The results don’t count towards the degree (in most degrees) for a reason. He’s learning to cope on his own with living on his own.

as long as he passes his first year you are fine.

I know it’s difficult. My DD has had to retake a year due to illness. But you can’t make them study or get a job at that age.

My DC was ill, but also had a mental health crisis triggered by his illness. He came home and has received physical and emotional healthcare. Now we are getting him back with a lot of support plans.

Is your DC getting the most out of uni support services? It might be worth trying to make sure he is. For us the route was Disability and Inclusion support, but that may not be appr for your son.

Regarding a job, it can be overload or a benefit for them. Our DC has an online job. Thankfully, something he could do when there were many appointments for treatment. Going back he's thinking of bar in cinema or student union. Again, probs a bit different as ours is very sociable and the recovery constraints were one of the difficulties behind mental health probs.

Anyway, I do hope you find the best ways to help and support 💕

Edited to add his physical collapse and subsequent diagnosis of long term health condition do further make our experience different but I still say ask what the uni can do/provide if you feel you can.

Thank you all for your contributions, it's comforting to just be able to discuss it. I haven't talked with anyone but my DH because DS is intensely private and it feels like a betrayal of confidence to discuss with my friends. I've always been fairly confident about my parenting, but this has me stumped. It's maybe as much about me learning to let go but it's terrible to stand by & watch him struggle. In his favour he appears to have built some fairly strong friendships and I hope these carry him through this difficult time. He has sought help from student welfare but doesn't seem capable of following up any advice or appointments. He has a total lack of motivation to do anything. I know that's part of depression and makes me wonder if he's on the right medication. But again, he won't discuss this.

Thing is with student welfare that it's at a lower notch than you might need if your DC is already on antidepressants.

Our DC not, but became a higher concern student because his disability worsened. It was unexpected, but the uni realised everything in documentation should have meant that support counselling couldn't not be randomly rescheduled in a kick the can down the road way.

I have had similar struggles with my son and it really is one of the most difficult parts of parenting. You are doing all the right things. I think many young adults are having similar difficulties and will hopefully make it through to better times.
Did the depression only start at university? Has he ever expressed the triggers? It's good he has friends, at least he's not completely isolated. If the academic side is a worry try and get him to make sure uni know his struggles for possible relaxation of marking etc this year.

No advice but this sounds so hard - i hope you can take comfort in the fact he has some good friends. I struggled with my mental health quite badly when I was at uni but having people in my corner was the key thing that dragged me through (and they still do 20 years later). I hope it all works out for him - it sounds like you're doing all the right things to support him where you can and let him know you're there.

This is a time of transition for both him and you as parents. You move away from making decisions for them and telling them what to do towards more of a supportive adviser who has their back when needed. It's tough! And the process takes a couple of years for a new kind of relationship to emerge. First year of uni is early days in this process.
He knows what he needs to do but equally he's there living his life not you so what we imagine this to be and the reality aren't always the same.
It's honestly the hardest stage for parents. Give me a toddler any day! But it does get better. You still worry like crazy but you start to trust their decisions and let go of thinking you always know best (well a little bit). Just be there to listen and support. Don't try to fix things that are beyond your control.

@Aliceisagooddog thank you. The depression seems to have been triggered by not doing as well as hoped in his A levels despite getting a a really good uni. But looking back over his teenage years I wonder if we've dismissed some signs as normal teenage angst. That was one of my suggestions to him, that we get a full mental health assessment in case the current state of mind forms part of a wider picture. But his response is only "what's the point". When he was first diagnosed he was really open with me about how difficult it had been but now it's like he's shut down. I read so many times on here about teens going LC/ NC with their parents and that terrifies me. I want him to know we're on his side and not be overbearing. The academic side of things seems good, he looks set to be assessed around 2:1 at the end of his first year but he shows no real enthusiasm for his course.

Is uni right for him, or is uni right but the course is wrong?

I know its hard, but you sound like you are doing your best.

@ssdyes I think university is definitely the right thing for him. He sees no other path & his interests do not lend themselves easily to apprenticeships. I do think a year out would have done him the world of good but unfortunately he disagreed & we are where we are!