Asking your young adult to leave..

[Cornishskies]

I have two young adults living at home (returned after uni, cost and lack of renting, cost of buying etc etc) and occasionally their behaviours cause me a sleepless night or two, and the occasional ( menopausal ) rage!
I’m talking about too much partying and not enough adulting, at times treating the house like a student house, nothing dangerous or life changing but just a general lack of adulting .

All stuff we deal with by muddling along in a happy if not frustrated at times family house with me keeping an eye to the future! I will add that both work hard and pay rent, and lived independently at uni for several years, so it’s not all bad and they are very capable to manage adult life if they choose to.

On Mumsnet the regular answer to people voicing issues with adult kids still living at home is to kick them out, I’m wondering if that’s really what people do and if you did this how did it work out?

So are they early/mid 20s? You can't kick them out OP! It's hard for that age group to buy a property, particularly on their own. They don't sound awful, just have a chat with them about expectations and pulling their weight.

My two young adults live with me without paying rent😚 Nobody I know is kicking their adult kids out these days, especially in London.

Also on MN these days kicking out is very much passe. You are supposed to give them a house deposit! 😂

Are they saving? Ours all live with us because they are gathering deposits big enough so they can get enough to get a large loan (only looking at shitty dog box units but even so mega expensive anywhere less than a 2hr drive each way to work), and for that loan to actually be serviceable. So, a whacking big deposit needed essentially! We are happy with this, but if they were not seriously and genuinely saving we would not be.

Yes, at times there is shitty, entitled, young people behaviour. It’s hard though, as in an ideal world, they don’t want to be living like that either. In my day we could rent AND save a deposit for a modest first time buyer place which you could actually afford to repay, but life has not given them this ‘luxury’, so we cut them a bit of slack at times if they are genuinely saving to help themselves.

True it's probably not what they want either, they prob want to spread their wings and live independently, esp as they've had a taste for it at uni, it's hard to return home.

I bought a lovely flat in south London (with my now DH) in the early 90s with a 100% mortgage, no deposit, we were only in our early 20s .... times have changed dramatically!

We have one at home , one gone like a pp I expect them to have an aim and be saving so we don’t take money off them , I’d be pretty pissed off if they were partying and not saving so in those circumstances I think I’d be having words and resetting expectations.

Why can’t they move out and rent?

The threads I think you’re mentioning are about circumstances very different to yours, haven’t seen posts about situations like yours suggesting asking adult DC to leave.

I wouldn't kick them out.

I would have two separate conversations:

• expectations and family rules for the house
• longer term plans for buying/ renting their own place, and what they are doing now to work towards that

I’ve posted about my DD before but it’s very different circumstances to yours - she doesn’t want to move away for uni but also does next to nothing at home to help, even while having a completely free ride. I’m lucky if she doesn’t the dishes 2x week.

I always think kicking children out is a bad idea unless there’s something truly outrageous and dangerous going on, but it’s also fair on you to talk to them about not treating your home like a party hostel.

I’ll be having a conversation with DD too this week about starting to contribute a little (nothing crazy) and asking what her saving plans are. I can’t really cope much longer tbh.

Thanks everyone, just to mention that we have no intention of asking them to leave and we also have regular conversations about expectations, which they take on board but there’s still room for improvement 😂 .
Renting here is extremely difficult with so much housing bought for holiday rentals or second homes.

I also wouldn’t expect rent if I could see them saving but that isn’t the case so asking for a contribution to the household expenses was purely to teach some level of financial responsibility. Some of it I put into an ISA unbeknown to them for future use when they are looking to move on.

The post was more one of curiosity about the many posters you see that have a tough love “kick them out” mindset, if that happens and if it has actually worked in a positive way?

I have said kick them out to some people whose kids are absolutely taking the piss. Not just being a bit inconsiderate.
That said, it's hard living with them. Especially in London housing. I do a lot of hobbies and long walks to escape!

Honestly, I just want to live by myself with a cat and have visitors!

Also, mine are not allowed to have parties or partners over. There's no room. That motivates them to move out.

Mine went through a phase of trying to throw constant fits about “never having the house to herself” because I never stayed over at my partner, just very occasionally.

Well, excuse me if I enjoy spending time in the home I 100% sustain?

It's not a London thing. Rental properties are scarce and expensive everywhere. Wages tend to be much higher in London/south east and there are more career opportunities.

OP - I wouldn't be happy if DC were living at home and not putting a large amount into savings. When she graduates, DD is welcome to live at home but she'll be contributing to a LISA as a minimum, cleaning up after herself and cooking for us once a week.

Just tell 'em - your house, your rules!

Gosh how do you do that? Does it not wear you down saying no? Reason I ask is because I am having a lot of pushback from DD17 (almost 18) to allow bf over at ours. I know MN says be welcoming, get to know the bf etc but my DD has poor mental health, is ND, when not at college or at her part time job (few hours) spends a lot of time in bed in her pj's doing nothing.
I worry about bringing another similar person into the house and having 2 teens or young adults doing nothing. Plus i hate having to share my personal space.
Downside of being so stubborn is DD not goes and stays most weekends at bf's.
I know I cannot have it both ways but hopefully they will get fed up of her and she will get her act together.

I swing it by being Asian! 😂

Make sure they are paying proper rent, not just £30 a week to cover food. Young adults living at home can easily fall into the 'child' role and it sort of stunts their growth.

How much are they paying? They do need a bit of reality in their lives.

I would never kick my children out! The only one old enough t leave didn't come back after uni but if he had wanted to I would have been more than happy for him to be here as long as he was paying rent as I would need it.

We made our 24 year old leave. It came very close to kicking him out but thankfully we avoided the brutality of that. We had a decade of worry with him, went through some awful, sleepless periods, we tried all we could to get to the bottom of why he was the way he was. He had no intention of growing up or helping out or being part of the family community, and our threats/boundaries were meaningless. Eventually I said enough is enough, the only way he’s going to learn to adult is by forcibly becoming one, so we made him leave. He had a full time job, we’d saved all his rent which we gave him, and we told him either he found a place himself or we’d find one for him. He moved out 5 months ago and things are much better for us all. He gets to spend as much time as he wants online without us complaining. His diet is awful, his flat is a mess, but he manages just fine, and we no longer have tension at home. We see him every week and our relationship is better for it, and our relationships with our other children are better for it too.

That's good to hear @LemonTraybake

It's easy to say "oh I could never kick my DC out" but we all have our limits.