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Parents of adult children

Wondering how to stop worrying about your grown child? Speak to others in our Parents of Adult Children forum.

Original poster

Advice needed

10 replies

DanJV · 07/05/2025 23:51

I my son is almost 20 & it sounds daft but how much do I give him for his birthday? He hasn’t spoken to me in months, doesn’t reply to my messages & didn’t reach out on Mother’s Day. I left my incredibly narcissistic husband (his dad) and our son stayed with him whilst me & our daughter started again. I keep trying with my son, I’m heartbroken but can’t afford as much as I used to. I’d be really grateful for any advice. My kids are my world. Thanks everyone

OP posts:
WorthyOtter · 08/05/2025 00:39

I would say nothing, not sure of the backstory but if you wanted to give something to make amends or get back in touch what about a gift instead?

Original poster
DanJV · 08/05/2025 00:49

WorthyOtter · 08/05/2025 00:39

I would say nothing, not sure of the backstory but if you wanted to give something to make amends or get back in touch what about a gift instead?

Thank you for replying, I haven’t actually done anything wrong. My ex husband is very controlling & manipulative & unfortunately, my son is very keen to please him & do whatever it takes. I can’t send him anything as this will cause trouble for my son (if it reaches him at all) when I last saw him, I was having to park round the corner incase he was seen with me 😢

OP posts:
WorthyOtter · 08/05/2025 01:12

Oh I see, sorry not a nice situation for you. Send what you can afford, but I wouldn't worry about sending alot I suppose it's a way to show you still care, hopefully it can help bring you together again.

IberianBlackout · 08/05/2025 07:55

I’d do nothing, to be honest.

After my parents divorce, my brother eventually moved in with my father because in his eyes he could do no wrong. I think it lasted less than a year, he messaged my mum the night before Christmas and came home.

He’ll have to learn to miss you and appreciate you.

healthybychristmas · 08/05/2025 10:29

I wouldn't send him any money but if you're aware of messaging him I would send a message saying hope you have a lovely birthday, I'd like to take you out for a meal. Let me know when you are free.

healthybychristmas · 08/05/2025 10:29

I wouldn't send him any money but if you're aware of messaging him I would send a message saying hope you have a lovely birthday, I'd like to take you out for a meal. Let me know when you are free.

healthybychristmas · 08/05/2025 10:29

I wouldn't send him any money but if you're aware of messaging him I would send a message saying hope you have a lovely birthday, I'd like to take you out for a meal. Let me know when you are free.

healthybychristmas · 08/05/2025 10:29

I am so sorry, I have no idea why my posts are in triplicate.

Nanny0gg · 10/05/2025 17:55

DanJV · 07/05/2025 23:51

I my son is almost 20 & it sounds daft but how much do I give him for his birthday? He hasn’t spoken to me in months, doesn’t reply to my messages & didn’t reach out on Mother’s Day. I left my incredibly narcissistic husband (his dad) and our son stayed with him whilst me & our daughter started again. I keep trying with my son, I’m heartbroken but can’t afford as much as I used to. I’d be really grateful for any advice. My kids are my world. Thanks everyone

Nothing.

A card if you're feeling generous

CarpetKnees · 10/05/2025 20:20

I would either just send a card, or, like @healthybychristmas suggests, an offer of taking him out for a meal when he is ready to get in touch.

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