DD struggling with degree - how to approach this sensitively?

[BruFord]

DD is doing a four-year double major STEM degree at an American university and has struggled in her second year. She phoned me yesterday crying after an exam didn't go as well as she'd hoped, and I've been worrying about her ever since.

This degree is notoriously tough, and many students transfer to different degrees after their first and second years. The American system has more flexibility with transferring credits so it's possible to do so- you may need to study longer and take some additional classes to in your new subject, but your previous work isn't completely wasted, IYSWIM.

Here's the problem. I suspect that DD isn't doing especially well academically. I can't see her actual grades, but I'm wondering whether it's worth slogging on and coming out with the equivalent of a 2:2 perhaps when she could easily get a 2:1 if she switches courses? She's def. working hard, but is it worth all the sweat and tears if she's struggling? We did get her a tutor this year, but she's still finding some classes hard. The problem is that I know that she doesn't want to switch to a different degree.

Then we have the financial side. She has some merit-based scholarships and I'm afraid that she'll lose them if her grades are slipping, leaving us to pick up the tab. We're in the squeezed middle where we don't qualify for most income-based financial aid, but we also don't have the cash to fully fund her at an expensive university. We're talking $70K a year with no scholarships!

Has anyone else been in a similar situation and how did you handle it? She's settled at her uni with friends and activities, so I don't want to make her leave or take a year out. But to put it bluntly, I can't see the point of achieving a mediocre degree when she could switch to something she's stronger in.

The U.S. system doesn’t label the degree in the same way. We have a GPA score which you typically have to keep at a certain level to maintain scholarships and at a certain level to actually graduate. Unless she is applying to graduate programs, asking about the gpa score after graduation is rare.

if she is double-majoring, she could simply drop to one major at the same school. Unless her scholarships are linked to the double-major, changing majors at the same school is typically pretty easy.

@Ponderingwindow Thanks, we’re in the US so I understand the GPA system, I referred to 2:1’s etc., for the British posters!

She does want to do a graduate degree which is why I’m worried. Plus the financial side as we simply can’t bridge the gap if she loses her scholarships…I suspect she’s dipped below a 3.0 this year. 😕

I know that she could switch majors fairly easily, but it’ll be the end of her dream and she’ll be so upset. But we all have limits, don’t we, I certainly couldn’t do her degree.

How do I talk to her about all this?

My DD also struggled at uni.

first year was fine. Second year got tricky.

it’s difficult because you want them to do well and reach their dreams but with mine I could also see she was making some bad decisions (got heavily involved with a student society which cut down on studying time significantly).

i didn’t talk to her about it, largely because while up visiting her one of her friends was having a go at her about it and saying she really didn’t have the time to get involved with the society etc and DD was just really upset and cried and cried.

i can’t make her make sensible decisions unfortunately. Third year did go to shit somewhat predicted by both me and her friends and she is now resitting and has learnt that sometimes poor decisions have major consequences sequences.

sometimes they have to learn the hard way.

bloody unpleasant to watch though.

@Octavia64 It's awful, isn't it. If it weren't for the fact that she wants to do a graduate degree and the financial situation, I'd probably keep my mouth shut.

But I used to work in higher education, and I absolutely know that unless her grades are better than I suspect they are, she won't be able to do the graduate degree that she's interested in. Plus, she'll need to take out big loans if she loses the scholarships. It's a potential shitshow.

At the very least, I'm going to ask her to show me her grades, because that will give me the full picture. She may choose not to, in which case I can't help. 😕

You need to sit her down and talk to her OP. She is an adult - give her the chance to respond to the problem like one. Explain (tactfully 😂) your concerns and she may surprise you - alternatively she may have a teenage strop but it’s worth a try!!

@OrlandointheWilderness I don't think she'll have a strop, I think she'll be very upset tbh. But we have to review the situation objectively, because starting out with massive debt would be awful for her. You always have to pay it back here; it's not linked to your salary.

I work in HE (in UK). Can you get her to voice her situation/concerns to either her tutor or Careers Service 'to get them in the picture, to explore options'? I'd be prompting her to mention to them her interest 'just to get a sense if you want to do graduate programmes'.

That way you're framing what some of the challenges might be for her, to prime her it might not be straightforward, but getting her into university support structures. And you can be a support person for her to discuss later whatever they say, rather than being the person with greater insight and information on her life, which I personally find difficult as a parent. Its a multistage process isn't it, potentially splitting up the steps, and who voices the messages, could help.

Good luck.