DD 23 retaking GCSEs

[Georgeismydog]

DD 23 had mental health issues when she took her GCSEs and didnt get the grades she needed to take A-levels. She has paid privately to retake her GCSEs and then go on and take A-Levels with a view of going to Uni. She has decided this week to pull out of some of her GCSEs to reduce her workload but i am worrying myself silly

How do you all feel about that @Georgeismydog ?
Does she have another plan?

@Georgeismydog it is hard riding the wave with them. The ups and downs are the worst..at least it's her decision and hopefully she will own it.
Trying to act breezy is such a killer.

RainyDayCoffee

She has now decided to pull out of all her exams. No she doesn't have another plan. She resigned from her part time job to revise. She is talking about not working...

@Georgeismydog
She is probably loathing herself at the moment that she cannot sit the exams. All that stress manifests in burnout.
The hardest thing is when they don't listen to any reason. She could have taken a less stressful route such as access courses but she doesn't want to.
I see this every day with DD. Hope she will get back to part time working. They need something to do other than lying on bed and being miserable that they cannot be "normal" (as my DD often says!)
Hang in there OP. It's hard I know. Hope you have some support.
Xx

RainyDayCoffee

I agree, but she apparently she wants to study again !!

How many was she hoping to take? Would downscaling for English and/or Maths at the Autumn sitting be a start? Much as her ambition is laudable, taking things slowly may be better to avoid overwhelming her ability to cope.

LIZS

13 GCSEs !! and 3 A levels

No clue how it is all going to pan out. All very painful at the moment

Why so many? 13 is ridiculous , even most 16 year olds take 8-10, let alone to self study. Can her tutor/s not advise her more appropriately? Over-ambition will mean she will achieve less. I doubt she will listen to you though, maybe a uni admissions tutor could tone her down although I suspect she won’t go anyway.

Blimey!
OP, I recently told my DD she won't listen to me and that's ok but I won't be able to help her either. So if she comes venting or crying and expects me to be her punch bag I have to kindly refuse.
I will acknowledge and say I am sorry she is finding things hard but move away from the scene to avoid being pulled in and end up feeling helpless.
Pulling away is still hard and I don't feel better but I don't feel as bad as sitting with her watching her cry.
We have to let them figure it all out. They will eventually but we will have no hair left by that point.
Big hugs
Xx

LIZS i know
RainyDayCoffee so hard

So glad I found this thread. My dd is 18 and autistic. She sat her GCSEs 2 years ago but was disappointed with her grades after only having 50% attendance. Didn’t get the grades for her sixth form and various other options haven’t worked out. She’s been at home ever since.

She wants to go to uni but no idea of course or career choice yet. She’s determined to do A levels (again with the black and white thinking) and won’t even entertain the idea of alternative courses eg BTEC. She had a place last September at a private college for A levels but didn’t make it in.

@RainyDayCoffee I like the sound of your approach. My feeling is to back off completely and let dd work out when she’s ready to return to education and/or seek help. My dh thinks we should have a discussion with her with the start of the academic year looming but I don’t think it will achieve anything.

Hugs @Georgeismydog its so hard.

Same here. My dd is bright and attended an acedemic school so it MUST be A levels and university. No critical thinking as to the pros and cons of alternatives. Sigh.

it great she’s doing her gcses but i would encourage her to look at foundation year universities instead of a levels given her age

What a shame. Ok, what can be retrieved here? Can you persuade her to sit at least some. You've got a week, as it's 1/2 term. Ds2 is mid GCSE's now. I've told him to have a day off, or the weekend off, then go again with some revision on Monday. 13 seems far too many. My ds2 has a total of 25 exams and that's with just big standard 10 GCSE's, ridiculous amount over nearly 5 weeks. Silly!

She's done the work, so gently persuade her to at least try. She's everything to gain and nothing to lose.

And then after they are all over, say 17th June. You can discuss options. Silly to be so dismissive of an access course. I'm very much a believer in you do anything to get to where you need to be.

Where is she planning to do her A’levels? Our local college has a sixth form but it only accepts 16-18 year olds. Most do an access course if they are wanting to go to uni. Also if she is 23 and struggling now, will she be able to cope with a’levels and a uni course? Also what has she done in the time from withdrawing from her GCSEs until now, so in them eight years. As you usually have to write a personal statement which you can include things you have done to support your application. They might even ask what she’s done in the 8 years.

She needs to look at Access courses.

A Levels are designed for 18 year olds, the unis she is looking at might not be impressed with a 23 year old (or how ever old) resitting.

She needs to investigate what the rules are for the uni she wants to attend, it would be a shame to study A Levels and then not get a place. Access courses are designed for exactly this type of thing, people who did not take the normal academic route to uni.

Wouldn’t she be better off doing her maths & English functional skills at college which I think will be free, then doing an access course to get into uni? More appropriate and affordable for a 23 year old. Does she have a specific career journey in mind?

You can get into a Russell Group university by completing an access course (well).

My journey: left school without any GCSEs. Went to college at 17 and obtained GCSEs in English (B) and Maths (D).

Applied for an access course at 30 and passed all 45 credits at distinction. Had to retake maths GCSE to get it up to a 4. Passed at 5 (took foundation paper). Applied for university at 31. Graduated with a first class degree in English Literature. Applied for my PGCE with QTS at 36, graduated with a first and now I teach English to children aged 11-18.

I was made offers on all three university choices, some were Russell group unis, one wasn't.

I'm 40 next year and considering teaching access to HE as I believe it's invaluable for people who missed (for whatever reasons) finishing school the first time round.

I'm not sure your daughter is thinking about anything other than the being seen as "good enough" to get into a university which she thinks has some sort of status. What does she actually want to do beyond university?

If that's what has to happen for her to hold her mental health together then that is what has to happen. It sounds like she puts an incredible amount of pressure on herself if she has chosen to do 13 GCSEs and perhaps sees her worth as all tied up with how intelligent she is. It sounds like she may have perfectionist tendencies too?

Do you think in a couple of days you could suggest she just does English and maths (and possibly the GCSE's relevant to what she wants to do at uni or alternatively the ones she feels have gone well so far)? Definitely cut the number down by at least half though.

If her anxiety is this high with GCSE's then I would definitely not recommend A-levels as the way to go. A-levels are 100 times more stressful and the exams test such a small amount of what is learnt through the course, it is really intense. They really do not suit a lot of people, including intelligent people. I for one got CCE in my A-levels but later passed my MA(Res) with distinctions.

Once GCSE's are over, whatever happens, I would start putting the idea of an Access to HE course into her head. Keep mentioning that you've heard really positive things about them. Mention that you heard you could even get into Oxford with one. Mention that you've had a look and they are accepted in RG unis. Basically just drip feed the idea into her head - this is often a method I find that works with DS with ASD. He needs time to very slowly come round to an idea.

I also think she should think very carefully about unis. While the RG's might have a certain prestige, a fantastic researcher is not always a great teacher IME. Sometimes they're really not interested in teaching at all - just have to do it part of the job. When we went to visit uni's the one I was most impressed by the lecturers and clearly had the most interest in the students, their progression and their welfare was not Southampton or Exeter (RG's), it was Surrey.

At Surrey the department head mentioned the projects of individual students she had been working with. At Southampton the lecturer opened with 'don't expect me to know any of your names next year because there'll be 300+ of you'.

I would also say that as an autistic student with MH struggles I would really recommend she consider a uni close to home that gives her a chance to come home at weekends at least, if not live at home and commute in. Also look into their reputation for pastoral care and what they will put in place for students with ASD. There are things that are much more important than a bit of prestige in her situation IMO.

@Sandy792 have heard good things about surrey and their support for MH.
Am glad you echo the same experience.
I have been banging on about staying close to home to DD who again doesn't listen.
Coming home to decompress would do her a world of good.
However, we need to get through the A levels first and at the moment uni shouldn't even be on our thoughts.

Good luck to your dd @RainyDayCoffee !

How are things with your dds @RainyDayCoffee and @Georgeismydog ?

I woke up this morning to find a load of messages from my dd - its all my fault that she struggled with school attendance, she’s a failure, she can’t do small things etc etc.

I don’t know how to approach this or advise her. She still wants to do A levels but that means starting from scratch in September. No career plan yet 🤷‍♀️

@bendmeoverbackwards
I feel for you..it must be so hard to get those messages from DD. She is venting and you are her safe space..though I do get that sometimes you just don't want to be the safe space even if just for a day.
If she says she wants to do A levels tell her she can. Ask if she would look up courses, apply and do what it needs to get started in September.
Does she have a school lined up or does she expect you to sort it all out?
It's hard when they won't listen but won't sort themselves out either.

Things very much up and down here
DD isn't able to manage full weeks at college despite them doing much lesser hours than a 6th form school. How she thinks she will make the grades, go to uni and survive there is beyond me.
But I have learnt to just not say anything. She has mocks next week and hopefully the results will force her to think of other options.
She says she really wants to do well and says she is working hard but is off to her friends for the weekend and it is mocks next week.
So there you go!
Nothing I can do but be patient and try and not lose it.
Xx