Rant - selfish parent!!

[twennysum]

Hey guys. This is a long one but honestly I just need to get everything out and I don’t want to be judged by my friends for feeling this way.

My mum is currently going through divorce for almost 3 years now because her and my dad are disagreeing heavily during the financial dispute. I won’t go into too much details about the divorce but I feel like since the divorce started there’s been an unhealthy reliance on me as her daughter. I’m in my early twenties (not older than 24), I graduated in 2023 and luckily I’ve been working a full time job for just over a year now. However during this time she has asked me to take out two loans amounting to almost £20,000 so she can pay for her divorce, lawyers and investigators. I have to pay £420 a month back and Because I’m still living at home things are “okay” but I’m only on NHS Band 3!! And I really want to move out soon And save but with the cost of living and salaries not being the best I don’t even know how I’d survive. £420 is essentially bills and grocery money for the month but now that £420 I would have used for bills is going towards a loan that I am not benefiting from whatsoever. Let’s also add the fact that she doesn’t work and refused to get a job all this time because she wants to get as much money from my dad as she can and if she works it will ruin it for her (her words not mine). So as-well as having this loan she will also ask me for money as-well occasionally for groceries etc. I don’t mind giving her money but honestly I work HARD for my money. And she refuses to get a job for selfish reasons. I hate my current job but feel so stuck due to my financial situation. I feel pressured to do overtime to see if I can make up that money but I’m so tired. We also share a car which is super inconvenient sometimes - bear in mind this is MY car aswell and she uses it. Again I don’t mind her using my car but also it would be better if she actually worked and saved up her own money so she could get her own car. Over the years I have felt myself becoming so numb and resentful of the situations she’s put me in. It feels like the parent child dynamic has switched - I’m the parent and she’s the child. It’s really bad and it’s affecting me mentally and emotionally. I can barely look at her anymore. Her presence irritates me. I lock myself in my room. When I hear her room door open and I know she’s coming upstairs sometimes il just pretend to be asleep so she won’t disturb me. I’m embarrassed having to do that at my age. She’ll come into my room every morning. Sometimes wake me up from sleep and ask me to help her sort and print her divorce documents. Just overall idk I feel just SO numb and pissed off. Like I’m supposed to be focused on building my own future and career and establishing myself to be a fully independent adult but it seems like all she wants me to do is be nose deep in her divorce matter. Not to mention she can be really rude, entitled and demanding sometimes aswell which makes the whole thing worse. I reckon if she wasn’t taking her anger out on me I might not feel as pissed off. And she wonders why I don’t tell her anything nowadays or why I don’t speak to her much. I have nothing to say anymore. She needs to get her own life.

Anyways I suppose there’s nothing I can do I just really needed to get this out of my system. Maybe someone out there can relate to my situation in a way. Idk. But thank you.

As it has all been done under your name you’re kinda screwed at the moment, you have no choice but to pay it back.

Once that’s done, RUN for your life. You’ll regret it if you don’t.

My mother did the same when I was 22-23. She went bankrupt and refused to work ever again. I think it was a combination of extremely poor mental health and shame that everything crumbled. She’s never been anything other than self-employed so the idea of looking for a job in her late 40s just seemed impossible to her.

And then she also refused to get any social assistance, so in practice I was just sustaining my mother’s existence out of nowhere. It took 10+ years to get rid of. Don’t let it happen to you, please.

I agree whole heartedly with the previous comment that there is no option other than to pay off this debt that your mother emotionally blackmailed you into but after that, please run like hell and don't look back.
You are such a young woman and my heart goes out to you because if you stay immersed in this awful messed up situation which is none of your doing, your parents will involve you in more of their other dramas as the years go by and not only will they suck all of the energy out of you - what if you find yourself a long- term partner, get married even? If you are still pandering to your disturbed entitled mother, you will also be dragging your partner in to it also. No one deserves this. A selfish entitled parent is detrimental to any relationship. Don't give in to the guilt that she will continue try to ladle on to you.
I know someone who has been controlled by a disturbed and selfish parent their entire life -sixty decades and counting and the effect has been one ruined life. Get away from this woman whilst you can and don't look back. I am appalled and disgusted at any parent who could treat their child in this way. The sheer selfishness is absolutely mind boggling.
When they are piling on the guilt and need your help yet again, go and see a counsellor, a non-judgemental listening ear. It will give you the strength so as not to fall prey to the emotional blackmail.
Good luck to you and stay strong for your own sake.

This.
You are going to have to suck it up and pay the 20k but let that be an expensive lesson and be done with it there.

My friends selfish horrible mother basically did the same, my friend stulruggled to say no and almost ruined her life doing this. Seriously ruinous.

When my friend stopped agreeing to take debt she started taking debt out in her name secretly. She earned well ans it was serious amounts. It followed her into mid 30s and beyond finacially screwing her it is part of the reason her now husband delayed marriage and children (by about 8 years he needed to be sure it was all over and friend wpuldnt be giving money to the mum when they had small children to provide for). Sounds harsh but I think it was understandable. The mum was sneaky and it was pretty bad (like 100k+ over the years) and if you marry you become financially connected.

When you cut her off may well try and take out debt without your knowledge if you stop agreeing.

I recommend you find ALL your docs. Birth certs, passport, etc.
And that you take out experience identity plus for a year or so once you move out.
It is worth it.
Stay living there but stop giving her money. When you get your pay put a couple of hundred in an ISA then at the end of the month.its not there for her too mooch off you.

If you do get bullied into buying food be buying the cheapest (oats, potatoes, bananas... no steak no ready meals)

Ideally move out ASAP. This is disgusting behaviour on her part.

As an fyi she could very very easily do cash in hand work.
My cleaner (who prob works cash in hand) makes mince pies and perogi at christmas and made 3k after expenses.

Your mother is a disgrace expecting you to subsidise her.

Your mum is financially abusing you.

What is your relationship with your dad like? Are you paying your mum's divorce costs because she is the injured party or because you are scared to say no? If your relationship with your dad is ok, could you tell him what your mum is doing?

I don't know whether your mum's tactics will even work. She is a grown woman with no dependent children so would be expected to support herself. I'm assuming that you are in the UK where alimony for life isn't really a thing.

You have obviously been parentified by your mother and your roles have been reversed, with you caring for and financially supporting your mum, rather than the other way round. It's a very unhealthy and damaging dynamic and I would recommend that you seek some therapy to help you deal with your disfunctional relationship with your mother.