Any more advice please?

[duvet]

DD 19 has had a difficult time over the last couple of years, ADHD/ASD. Dropped out of college twice, falling out with friends, dismissed from jobs. She has become increasingly difficult to live with, very down, hostile & demanding, with friends & us. She obvs frustrated wants to be independent & we have stepped away to encourage this. she had a SW for a short time last year after inappropriate online relationships. This & working in charity shop helped a lot for a few months & she has been easier to live with, contributing to family life that is until she started on the online hook ups again.

She started talking to 1 guy through snap, after 2 weeks went to meet up with him and ended up staying with him for a week & spent most of her money in that time. This is fine but since she's returned she's back to her poor mental state again, edgy, on her phone pretty much constantly, up til all hours then irritable & upset in the day, snacks in middle of the night. She's stopped going to charity shop, complaining how awful she feels, that she needs help, that she has schizophrenia, BPD, SAD, & many other disorders. She stays in her room on her phone, except for meals & to complain how bad she feels. It's very frustrating especially as she was offered help & given many strategies before & turned it down or she didn't like what they said. we found counselling with her but she gave up on a couple of those. She thinks them & us don't know anything.

I'm posting for a rant sorry, and to ask what to say when she gets upset or complains she needs help. I can sympathise but it's frustrating when Its self inflicted, & she's not helping herself. Also she has this idea of studying performing arts but she shows no drive to get there, she's been told before how competitive it is & even fallen out with her drama group. But she won't be told. She gets offended easily. I so want to help her reach her full potential, but not sure how?

@Conversationkiller654 & @Sritila gave some good advice on another thread, hoping you have some more please. Thank you.

So just to add I had a chat with her, she has fallen out with guy she went to stay with cos she just slept with another guy. She will talk to me a lot, I think I'm quite good at listening... so that helps. She admitted in the past that she was trying to get pregnant, so she could get an abortion - to get some attention, & that's why she does these things.... to get attention... I asked her what more we could do to help - she said she wants a mental health assessment. She has a Drs appt booked for that - however last time she went they gave her occ. therapy which she wasn't keen on and only went to a couple of sessions. I think she's expecting too much perhaps?

Sounds like shes looking for love and not finding it but finding sex instead.

I did that too when 16. Sad times.

Perhaps she needs more time with you doing things together or a good club that people her own age attend weekly or something in order to wider her friendship group? She sounds lost. She needs to be back at the charity shop.

Would she surrender her phone to you for a bit, that’s what’s probably causing a lot of her problems.

As for abortion “getting attention” I’d be telling her it doesnt get you any attention. And neither does having a baby as it’s the baby that gets all the attention. The best way to get attention is to make new female friends.

Can she get a social worker or helper or something that could make her feel cared about? Are there any other day evening classes she could attend, art, jewellery making, makeup, hair, like things other young women may go to? She would benefit from structure. Is she getting all the benefits shes entitled to so she has money to do stuff or even employ someone (like a carer but not called that)to be around a bit more to do stuff with?

I have a child with ASD and adhd. I recognise much that you talk about.

mine had painful periods so I managed to persuade her to get the implant which did stop me worrying about pregnancy.

mine is now 24 and has come out as lesbian but stays on the implant as she’s fed up with periods.

what did the SW offer/do? Often if it’s a young vulnerable teen they will try to get protection in place.

mine is very bright but will never reach the potential her intelligence implies because she just can’t function socially. I try to detach, sometimes it is easier than others.

i don’t try to “tell” mine anything. She has lots of ideas about things she’d like to try and honestly as long as it motivates her to get up, get out the house and speak to people I see it as a good thing.

Social Worker persuaded her to get implant, and gave her guiodance re healthy relationships so that's something. She also got her doing some support group acitivites like cycling, craft fishing. DD did these for a while and then got work in charity shop. SW wasnt that proactive apart from that & got the impression that DD talk to her that much. SW & her agreed that she didnt really need anymore help now two months later we're back here!

The structure did benefit her a lot, she was cooking once a week, interacting as a family, games, she joined tennis club. Previously she was in a drama and a dance club, but burnt her bridges there....

Abortion to get attention? Any chance she’s BPD? This sounds really extreme.

She's had a Private Mental health assessment when she was 16 - diagnosed ASD/ADHD but no mention of BPD.

@duvet sorry I had forgotten she was already diagnosed! My bad.

I don’t have much advice, but my DP has ADHD and he definitely thrives only (and only) on very structured routine. If he starts straying from it too much things get difficult very quickly.
In his case he’d had to hit full, full rock bottom to finally accept that this is his reality and it will always be slightly different from what he’d hope. He’s been having counselling consistently for about a year now and it’s given him many good techniques to try and stay on track.

Ah thank you @Bingbopboomboomboombopbam I agree routine was what had helped just recently but then she started to stray ...... Glad the counselling has helped your DP.

Would she be up for finding a mentor? There are various schemes locally and nationally who might help her find some direction.

Do you have access to a transitions team at the council? Ours advised a really good youth group and they travel trained DD so she can get herself there. I would also try and get her a proper paid job - the job centre can help, our local Aldi was a good disability friendly employer for DD. Finally a pet to love and look after was also a success. Despite all this she still says she hates her life though, good luck!

Thank you, for suggestions. I will look into the transitions team I would've thought the social worker would direct her to these things, who she is now back with thankfully. She has a new counselling booked this week, just hope she shows up/ likes this person! I don't tell her anything these days, I just listen 😊 & sometimes make suggestions. I think a job would really help her a lot, keep her busy, sense of purpose & would love her to get one, but the last thing she said was I'm gonna get universally credit & that im not well mentally & can't work. I really don't want her to go down that route, it won't help her at all!

This morning she came into my room at 5! She did say 'sorry for waking you but I took two medikinet tablets at 10.00 last night and although I fell asleep i've been awake since 3.45' I really am at my wits end.
@Bananabrain99 I've realised she has already started something like you described before for a while where she could go along to various groups and they give support however she did it for a few weeks then it dropped off. I emailed the SW again with the issues but because she's over 18 and wont give consent they cant speak to us. She had a MH initial assessment the other day, which is good, and she is now 'looking forward' to the diagnosis they will give her?! She seems almost obsessed with getting a diagnosis. She has CBT booked for Tuesday but I'm a bit sceptical as to how long that will last as the first one is just to see if it is suitable for her. I feel like she is expecting too much, even her SW has told her that she needs to meet halfway, she says she can't.
The SW also mentioned supported living which I think involves accountability, learning life skills, things she is capable of just not motivated, she doesn't want to do that because here is her safe place however I do not feel like we can carry on living as we are, I almost feel like I am enabling her to carry on as she is, but equally would find it very hard to ask her to move out!!