Feeling invisible

[B0D]

My only child has married into a big close knit family. I am quite retiring and would never put myself forward but I feel left behind and jealous (there, I’ve said it). I know it’s unhealthy and I’m truly pleased they are settled and happy and tell myself that I raised my child to be independent and succeeded, but I also feel hurt and I’ve started to feel my child is hiding from me how much they see their in-laws from guilt. This is only a feeling but I trust my instincts.
I feel very shameful about this and just want to hide away, more.

Thanks for reading, it’s helpful to write it out

Can you start something that is your thing with your adult child. So if they are busy on occasions with in laws then just have a once a month on a Monday you take them and partner out for a meal and catch up or something like that.

@Daisy12Maisie Thanks that’s certainly food for thought.See I’m not a person who ever reaches out or hosts people anywhere so I probably wouldn’t think of that.

I’m very solitary by nature which doesn’t help and I’m aware could be interpreted as me being disinterested.

Your child must know you are solitary and retiring - perhaps they feel you would prefer to be alone?

One thing I will say is that it is definitely NOT unhealthy to feel all the emotions when our children enter adulthood and independence - it's really hard! We tell ourselves that their happiness is the most important thing (we are only as happy as our unhappiest child is how I always think!) but that doesn't mean that your happiness isn't important too.
You could start with one small step towards developing a more active relationship with your child and their partner. Perhaps they are hiding from you how often they see their in laws but this is surely from a position of love for you and not wanting you to feel bad.
You say you are not someone who hosts or reaches out. Well if you stay like this then nothing will change. I suggest you put your big girl pants on and give your lovely child a call and invite them (and their partner perhaps) out for lunch or dinner, or even a coffee. Say you'd love a catch up. No pressure or expectation, just a drink and perhaps some food. It's a start and for now, that's all you need.

Yes I think that you have to think about what they would like and you wouldn’t hate and suggest it.
So ask about their life and work out what would fit in for them and you. If the other family are just having get togethers regularly and you aren’t like that then they will naturally see them more but you need to carve out something that is your thing that you do with them. If could be a very simple thing that you and whichever one of them would like gets your nails done together once every 3 weeks and then you pop in for a quick cup of tea with the other one.

These are random examples but what would fit into their life and you wouldn’t mind that you could do regularly.
Think about do they love to cook or hate it? If they hate it you could invite them round for a home cooked meal sometimes. Or ask them if you could pop in to theirs and order away.

Or do they have a dog you could offer to walk once a week that you could then drop off and have a cup of tea and a chat.

Just think, ask questions about their life and then make suggestions that will work.

Then you will have your own little thing that you do so it won’t matter what the other family are doing.

I mean, if that’s the case then it’s on you, really. It will get tiring quick for your child to be the one doing all the reaching out and planning.

Yes I thank you all for your replies.
I do make contact but I am not great at making suggestions as I have very low self esteem. I will try and take the advice on board and try harder to carve out a niche as it were. They are both lovely by the way.