Next step

[Morestress]

we helped our 32 year old daughter to buy herself I home . We offered . The money to be returned ( with a formal agreement written up by a solicitor) when she no longer needed the home .Her circumstances have changed , she has moved in with her partner and plans to go back to uni . ( obviously for her to decide and nothing to do with us ).
we asked that she sell her house and not rent it . We are not feeling renting is an easy option . She will be away for at least 4 years . We had a face to face chat and explained our view .
As a result , she has moved out without telling us and not spoken with us since . Bar a brief meeting at a pre arranged family weekend ( a 30 min meeting ).
my husband on discovering her steps , explained his concerns and asked for documentation to show all the correct steps are being taken to rent the house properly if that is her choice , and a happy to chat statement at the end of the text .
he has since (6 weeks) decided to completely withdraw from her and all future relationships.( he is very upset at the treatment ). I have had no chat with her bar a “ how are you text “.
we / I am stumped.
she has a partner that we have been distant with as he has hit her .
my eldest son is very distress and my younger son is worried that we are “attaching strings that are unfair”.
i am developing heart problems and trying to not get more anxious .
my daughter comes out aggressively if challenged
i do not know how to cope or where to go next !
any thoughts big world ?

If you are concerned about the partner, then I would have thought keeping the property as her security was by far and away the more sensible option than selling.
I'm not sure why you are trying to dictate to her what she should or shouldn't do with the property.

Either the money was a gift (which is what seems to be a good plan if you have that money to spare - helps your child at a time they need it, and long term helps in that less inheritance tax might be due)

OR

it was a loan because you needed it back, and you should have set up repayment terms and conditions in the first place. It seems quite vague to say The money to be returned ( with a formal agreement written up by a solicitor) when she no longer needed the home. What do you mean by 'no longer needed'? Surely she is always likely to need a home. Presumably she still needs the income from the home even if it isn't her living there.

There's a very good saying that says you should never lend what you can't afford to do without.

That sounds like a lot of control you’re trying to have over a grown woman. Is there a back story as to why you don’t trust her? Why lend her the money for the house if you need it back? I’m not sure if you’re being unreasonable op as I’m guessing there’s a lot more back story?

Our upset is that she has chosen to not talk to us any more , we have not dictate that she sells . We have expressed our wish . The money is an interest free loan to go along side her mortgage. The income from the rent would cover her expenses on the house and little more . Renting your house still requires input for maintenance etc and the need for a good tenant. She will be very poor and unavailable for four years . Surely our care and support in her new endeavours would be good to have .
The very hard painful part is her silence and unkindness . We are not aggressive parents . We have rescued her big style on 3 occasions.
we see the she has to do her thing as an adult .
we feel that a talk about her plans and wishes would have been reasonable .
But nothing .
the money can wait , but not our feelings .