Do you ask your DC to keep in touch on a night out?

[thehardbit]

My DS20 is out out every weekend, usually both nights.

Due to how drunk he gets, fights he’s been in, etc. I always ask him to keep in touch and give me an idea of plans, i.e. will he be home and to let me know when he is back at someone’s house safely.

But he’s getting worse at doing this and I am beside myself at weekends wondering if he’s okay.

He’s done it again last weekend and this, where I’ve not heard from him until 10.30 the following morning and I’m just finding it really hard. He knows how much I worry and you might says that’s my issue, but it’s largely due to his behaviour and previous incidents.

The amount he drinks is a whole other issue as far as I’m concerned, and I won’t go into that, but AIBU to just expect a text 2AM to “that’s me in, see you later”?

Issue is he’s an irascible drunk and you’re sat home worrying about his behaviour
You’ve really got this all wrong a cheery 2am text saying he’s ok is going to sort this out
YOU Address your anxieties and over involvement in his life
HE address his alcohol consumption and irascible demeanour or you’ll get a 2am call that he’s in custody suite or hospital

Does he live at home or is he living away? If away I think you need to tell him to stop telling you when he’s out then you can’t worry. Knowing whether he’s out or not won’t change the outcome if something happens.

Nothing you can do will stop anything happening to him while he’s out. You’ve just got to let him get on with it. You’ll make yourself sick with worry x

I’m aware there is more than one issue, and have said as much.

Can anyone else advise on the question I asked?

Thanks

no
but mine have never been in fights

Apologies to last two posters. Cross posted.

He lives at home.

If he lives at home, no, you are not being unreasonable in asking him to let you know.

I ask my 19 year old DS to txt me if he’s going to be later than he’s told me

Fights? That’s not normal.

Only our youngest still lives at home. I don’t expect him to keep us updated about his whereabouts, but I don’t really sleep until he’s home. That’s my problem rather than his.

I have a 19 year old and I definitely don't ask him to let me know when he's home! (Granted, he's never been in a fight and never likely to be but still - he's an adult...)

The reason I don't monitor where he is, is because I moved out when I was 17, and my parents had absolutely no idea of my movements, who my friends were or what I was up to. If they had, they would have been horrified - but I was having a blast and learning to be an independent adult, and I want that for my DC as well.

I've asked my 19yo, who lives at home, to let me know if he isn't coming home when he is driving - I don't need to know before I go to sleep, just not to wake up and find he hasn't come back and no message and I'm then worried about him.
He almost never doesn't come home, but he does let me know if he isn't going to.
If he isn't driving I'm not as concerned.

If he lives at home wouldn’t you know he’s in anyway?

I’ve softened the rules with DD20 over the years but as she decided to also take up a lot of solo travelling, we share locations (we ended up just leaving it on as it’s not like I’m checking daily or anything) and we have an agreement that no more than 12 hours at most without saying if she’s okay.

Ideally, if she goes anywhere with people she met travelling, Ubers, etc, to also just send me a quick message or share the ride trajectory.

I'm also more relaxed about it now that I was last October when he got his car and started driving.

I always ask my DC for proof of life texts when they're out😅

I think it's reasonable to ask him to let you know if he's staying out. That's what I expect of my young adult kids. If I KNEW they were staying out or potentially staying at a friend's I absolutely wouldn't expect them to let me know they'd got back there safe though.

The things is, him texting is only ever going to give you a false sense of security anyway. If he's drinking too much and fighting then having to text you isn't going to prevent it. Perhaps you need to discuss him moving out if he can't behave himself on nights out?

DS20 at uni but living at home shares his location when on a night out and always lets me know if plans are changing eg decided to kip on a friend's sofa instead of coming home. It's what I did for my parents (minus location as it was in the olden days)