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Parents of adult children

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Original poster

Son growing away from us

13 replies

AlertMintUser · 21/04/2025 08:40

Our son (21) has a girlfriend of a few years now, who lives abroad. He spends as much time (when he’s not away at uni) as he can with her, and her family. Last Christmas he went there, and has indicated he will probably do the same again this year. I’m happy that he’s happy, being a fairly quiet and shy person, that he’s met someone he connects with so well. But I’m concerned he’s putting all his efforts into their family, and not with us. He doesn’t like to talk much, certainly not about feelings or future plans and gets annoyed with me if I try and initiate conversation. I don’t want to guilt trip him into being here for Christmas, as he’d only be miserable. But I am worried about our relationship and how I can improve/keep it going, as I do feel like a pit stop for washing, food and taxi rides when he does come home.

OP posts:
Meadowfinch · 21/04/2025 08:47

He's in love, of course he wants to be with her. He still comes home to you during this phase. The relationship will either become permanent or it will fizzle out.

If permanent, they will have a home together, maybe abroad, and, I imagine, visit on holidays.

If it fizzled out, he'll be back until the next relationship. That's fairly normal. Children move on, they move away.

What do you want him to do differently?

TucanPlay · 21/04/2025 09:52

I'd show lots of interest in her, and her family and his new life, he is immersed in this world so you'll be closer to him if you understand more. Try not to see it as your family versus hers, I know it's really hard though. Does she come with him for visits?
It shows what a great upbringing he has had if he's confident enough to spread his wings like this, and at 21 it's totally normal to find a new life intoxicating, further down the line he will be better at moving between the two.

Tigerlilian · 21/04/2025 09:57

Have Christmas on a different day so he can go guilt free.
My adult DCs all have partners so sometimes are with their families - as long as we all get together the actual day doesn’t matter.

DenholmElliot11 · 21/04/2025 10:01

What happens when you invite them round for dinner?

summerlovingvibes · 21/04/2025 10:01

I'm a female and have 3 sisters. My mum lives on her own. We've all grown up / flown the nest and have our own families now but every year we always come together over Christmas at some point - just normally not the actual day.

Mum is ok with this as the day that we do come together is always lovely and special - it's just not the actual 25th. This year was 23rd, the year before was 27th etc.

This day we have it just mum, myself and my siblings then partners and children join in the evening. Quality time together is what matters, not the actual date x

BeatriceBatchelor · 21/04/2025 10:12

I'd be upset if, at such a young age, DD prioritised a boyfriend and his family over ours. If they spend Xmas at her home, would they come to yours for NY or is your son expected to make all the effort?

Does she live in a country that your DS is likely to be able to work in after graduation?

MeAndMyCatCharlotte · 21/04/2025 10:13

It’s hard, I have a son of a similar age. Just be happy that he’s happy.

Seeline · 21/04/2025 10:21

Have you invited her to stay with you?
Maybe not for Christmas, but at another time?

stomachamelon · 21/04/2025 11:57

With six adult children we don’t obsess about ‘the day’ regardless of holidays. We just organise things over a period and don’t make it fractious for anyone. I have never understood parents that compel their adult children to carve holidays up (specific days) and put the pressure on.
where is the fun in that?

BeatriceBatchelor · 21/04/2025 12:17

I have never understood parents that compel their adult children to carve holidays up (specific days) and put the pressure on.
where is the fun in that?

OP's son and my DD are at university and have girl/boyfriends not partners. It's perfectly normal to want them to spend special occasions with you. At least in my family and DH's family it is. It's not an issue for some people.

stomachamelon · 26/04/2025 21:59

@BeatriceBatcheloryes but what I mean is ‘invited’ not commanded. And if the invitation is declined that’s also ok. Relationships move on even ones with children. Some of are’a are more homebod’s and chose to be around and two live abroad.

BeatriceBatchelor · 26/04/2025 22:19

Another thread started by an OP who disappears after one post ...

DearAbi · 29/09/2025 12:34

Men when they get in love some of them forget their family and now is her family that he will go to all you can do is invite them both to dinners places and then you can see your son and be with him call.him.send him nice messages quotes he still.loves you

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