I feel like I have let my kids down

[LennyBalls]

Two son’s, one is 20 and the other 23.
They are very different and are not close at all. They don’t fight but they don’t interact with each other as they have nothing in common.
Both lack confidence in their different ways. Eldest went through a phase of going out all the time but now never goes out. Although he does play Xbox with his friends. He had a job but was made redundant. He is trying to find another job but is finding it really tough. He won’t work in a shop or pub in the meantime as he has no confidence. Youngest works but has no friends. And I mean absolutely no friends. He doesn’t go out socially.

I feel like it’s my fault. I had the most awful anxiety when they were growing up and I feel like I have projected it onto them which is why they have no confidence. Youngest has ADHD too. Neither wanted to go to university and again I think this is a confidence thing rather than anything else. I feel really sad for them and feel like it’s my fault. They have a really good dad who interacts with them and they do go out with him but not very often.

Are they actually unhappy with the low social life situation? They may prefer it themselves.

Assuming they went to school and normal childhood things, they'd have got plenty of social interaction, even if you weren't that social at home.

All you can do is encourage them and support them to engage with interest groups or employment hunting. They are adults, so it's up to them. You could suggest some counselling if they aren't happy with their situations. It might help them work out some direction.

Don't worry about them not being too close right now. I think it's quite common at this age. They may never have much in common or they may grow closer in time.

In a nice way OP this isn’t about you. I also suffer from anxiety and have worried about impact on DC. We have done our best and if we could have transformed into ultra confident role models I guess we would have done. Thinking about it this way doesn’t help and also you are not the only influence on them. Is there anything practical you can do to support them now? It’s hard on young people - things might pick up faster than you think.

But you can change. It's never too late to be a good role model.

I have anxiety (for ally diagnosed by psychologist etc, I used to have regular panic attacks) , I pushed through to do playdates, go to every single birthday party, socialise with parents etc. I do think that you have a responsibility as a parent to just get it done. Mine has signs of holding back etc so I do think theres a genetic element but feeling sorry for yourself doesn’t fix things. You have to model it. Show them it’s fine to join a club or group, talk about how you are a bit nervous but you are going to give it a go. It’s really really hard but it is doable.

I’m not trying to be mean, I know exactly how crippling anxiety can be but if you are worried about your kids you can do something about it. Feeling sad and worried changes absolutely nothing.