Helping ageing parents!

[SugarSpice2020]

Hi, wondering if anyone has similar issue / advice:
I’m from the UK but now live abroad with husband & young child. Parents still in UK, in mid 70s. Thankfully no issues but it’s on my mind they may soon have, & generally I try to think of ways to help them they may not have considered. Eg with security / finances etc Brother also lives abroad and is zero help in this dept. But parents are resistant to my help - seems they feel I’m interfering / condescending- & don’t seem to appreciate it. Think they prefer banal chitchat w brother - interesting as my mother actually went through same thing w her mother ordering idle brother’s visits but doesn’t seem to notice that now ;).

have others here felt same / what to do? I can back off & not offer any advice but think parents will get in muddle. (Eg they got annoyed when I asked if they’d had a recent check of home electrics, & wouldn’t look for certificate. I guess next thing is they’ll have an issue and - least concerning out of many possibilities- will get hefty bill from electrician call-out. Guess who they’ll call to complain to?!).

thx for reading this & appreciate any thoughts / advice!

You could ask your parents if they would consider a power of attorney for health and finance for you. You can ask them if they have an up to date will. You can ask them what their plans are for if they become less able. All this may prompt them to give it all some thought. Or it may not and they may continue to live their lives like the adults they are rejecting (for now ) outside interference (offers of help).
My husband and I are not quite as old as your parents yet and you wouldn’t believe how suddenly older age creeps up on you! We’re busy living life to the full, it seems so much more urgent now. We should probably think about power of attorney some time in the future and I’ve told my husband so many times he needs to go through our finances with our boys but today we are living our life, maybe your parents are trying to do the same.

If they’re still active, independent and don’t want any advice, I’d just back off. It’s their life to sort.

OP - there's an Elderly Parents topic on MN which you might find useful.

I think you are being interfering and condescending with the electrical inspection tbh. Not many people have that done regularly. I live near my parents and they wouldn't appreciate that suggestion at all.

Of more use would be getting LPA done and saving up in case you need to make a last minute flight.

Thank you for your thoughts, it’s good to hear the perspective of someone approaching my parents’ age. I have actually managed to get some brief info & they do have wills plus organising POA (fatter thinks he’s done this but has no paperwork 🙄🙄). You’re very sensible to consider plans for being less ‘able’ in future, even if it doesn’t occur for years. I hope your husband will also agree to have a good chat with your sons, it does make things a lot easier for everyone to plan ahead! (Esp re inheritance tax). Wishing you well!

Thank you, I’ll search that out!

Yes, they’re getting LPAs, thx. My husband is in real estate & before he helps any buyers they always check electrics & plumbing, it’s a wise idea to continue electric checks every 5 years or so too. The other reason I thought of it is because their boiler suddenly blew up. As it has not been serviced since they moved in (they never checked & seem averse to paying anything in advance, though it costs a ton more to call out a plumber etc last minute). So I’m trying to prevent a worse occurrence like a fire! It’s hard to find balance between concern & appearing condescending though.

They are mid 70s so significant cognitive decline shouldn’t have started yet. Honestly unless it’s a case of them not being able to afford things, just leave them to it, I couldn’t tell you when our electrics were last checked and I only know about the boiler because we got a new one fitted a few years ago.

Adults are entitled to make their own mistakes. I find it infuriating that DM 86 refuses to get a cleaner with the full attendance allowance I helped her fill the form in for, apparently doesn’t expect me to do it, but as her eyesight and mobility isn’t great that just leaves DF 91. DH says to just leave it and only force the point if it becomes unhygienic.

Hmm yes that is tricky & no doubt infuriating when you’ve spent ages doing the paperwork! Does your mum prefer doing it herself / feel anxious about a stranger coming in? I guess yes you’ll have to leave it unless it’s becoming unhygienic. sometimes old people don’t even realise.

My parents also insist on doing all cleaning themselves. They can, it’s fine…But mother also complains about having no time for things ;). I’ve given up on the cleaner (for now) but if dad was alone I’d have to push it or it would indeed become unhygienic.

Oh well, there’s not a lot to be done. But I told my mum last week - in response to her saying ‘I’m not stupid’ etc when I offered financial advice - I’m not trying to be condescending but as a family we should share info / advise each other, I’d appreciate the same from them!

good luck with your parents too :)