Taken for granted - or is it me?

[Carwoo1175]

This is the first time posting, please be kind.
I have 2 adult children. 24 ds, 19 dd.

Dd is becoming a problem, and to be fair has always been a handful. Not in the way that most would expect, but it's driving me to distraction.

Dd is a uni. She comes home at the weekends for a driving lesson (that we pay for)
This is what's really getting my goat. The driving lesson is at 9am. She rolls out of bed at 8.55 brushes her teeth and off she goes. Her driving test is this week.
There has been weeks where she hasn't got up. We've been at work and we can't wake her. She finally did get up the last time at 9.10. So was very late.

All we ask I'd that she preps herself before. Get up, shower, eat. But no.

And don't get me started on how she is shes here. She collects pots in her room. Wet towels , doesn't put anything away. Everything is in a minute that turns into hours.

She catches the train home from uni, but will regularly change the train time with an hour's notice, when we've made arrangements to pick her up and have a meal ready for when she gets home.

Ds is almost as bad though he stays at his girlfriends most nights. But his room, always has cups, plates glasses.
I ask nicely, I plead, I threaten. It's ignored.

Dd works. She doesn't ask for money - never has, neither of them have. But we will do whatever to support them both, all I ask is when at home live by our rules.

This morning there was a blazing row with dd. I'm off work this week.
Her alarm went off at 7.45.
She promised, as she has her driving test this week she'd get up and be ready, having eaten and had a drink.

At 7.50.still in bed, alarm going off and being snoozed.
I went in and asked her to get up. In a minute.
At 8am, still in bed.
8.15 still in bed.
At 8.25 I lost it, went into her room, took her phone and vape downstairs.
That's when I get the abuse, that nothing is ever good enough for me. How she hates coming home.

Is it me? Am I expecting too much?

It’s not you but leave her to it. She doesn’t need breakfast or even a shower before her lesson. If she passes great, if she doesn’t then tell her she needs to pay half for lessons from now on. As for her room - I don’t go into my kids’ rooms. They are responsible for them. I’m not doing their laundry either.
As for the train, tell her you will collect her at the first agreed time but if she changes the time you will not meet her. She can get a bus/uber whatever.
Really you have to stop treating them like kids. Warn them in advance of these new conditions and make NO EXCEPTIONS. If she decides not to come home then fine - and why doesn’t she just have lessons where she’s at uni?

Thank you,
She's been having lessons with the same instructor now for almost 18 months. She's only been in uni since September, so she carried on here until she passes.
I need to let it go, but when (they both) deliver the contents of the kitchen cupboards and leave them in the sink I could scream.

We have said that if she fails she will be paying for her own lessons, but in reality, as much as I would love to mean it, I can't do that.

I think you are expending a lot of energy that you needn't. I think they both sound like very normal young adults. I would have totally rolled out of bed 5 minutes before a driving lesson at 19. Crockery and cutlery in their rooms, normal. My eldest is much tidier and much more organised since he left home.

I think I need to add, she has slow processing disorder.
It was diagnosed at school, whilst she's intelligent, it's takes a while to grasp things. She struggles to take in too many commands at the same time. Her brain sort of shuts off as she's still thinking about the first thing.
Her instructor has said that she beds to prep for lessons. Often she gets distracted.
At least feeding her brain in the morning before the lesson would sort of help.
I just don't feel like she's helping herself.

Unfortunately teens are notoriously tricky about getting up. Can you say that you won’t be paying for more than x lessons so if she chooses to miss them, then it’s on her if she doesn’t get her driving license?

DS is at first year uni and is similarly fluid around arrangements. I simply don’t organise much until he is actually here and we only pick him up if we have firm timings in advance. I would stop cooking her favourite meal etc if she messes you around too much with timings. But if she finds organisation hard, be kind, there is a lot to process in the first year of uni.

If DD fails her test after 18 months of lessons, I wouldn't throw any more money at lessons. Just let her practise with you and her dad.

Why are the lessons at 9am when she struggles to get up?

Wouldn't she prefer to spend weekends at university rather than coming home every weekend?

We have said that if she fails she will be paying for her own lessons, but in reality, as much as I would love to mean it, I can't do that.

Why on earth would you say something that you have no intention of seeing through!

Perhaps your kids don't listen to you much because this is how you speak to them?

She’s 24, not a teen so should be able to get am herself out of bed. Is she late for uni. It’s a poor ethic.

18 months is a long time to be learning to drive! Have you or your DH taken her out in your car for practice?

It’s good she has a job and never asks for money. Many don’t. My DC is respectful and takes pride in his environment (2nd year houseshare has one housemate that sound like ypir DD!) but he hasn’t been able to get a part time job yet hopefully this summer. So it seems like your DD is really good at something’s and not others. What are her plans for Uni next year? Houseshare?

Hopefully she will pass her driving test and you can get firmer with the house rules.

Good luck for the driving test and if she does fail just get her booked on again don’t let her give up!

She's 19. Still very poor ethic though. I'd leave her to fail and see if that forces her to pull her socks up.

She's 19.

I don't understand why you care if she only gets up a few minutes before her lesson. I'm in my 60s I frequently do the same thing. What does it matter as long as she doesn't actually miss it?

And having a messy room isn't a huge crime. I normally feel really sorry for the parents on this type of thread, but in this case I feel you're getting yourself upset about not very much.

Honestly I won’t pay for the driving lessons if she fails.

I would ask them to bring their cups down daily and wash up as a minimum.

Agree about the lifts home is there a change in plan. Taxi/uber is fine.

Sounds like they are not use to household chores

Sounds like you still treat her as a child but want her to be an adult. I wouldn't be collecting her from the train if she changes her plans, nor would I be cooking especially for her, as for the driving lessons, pay until test then have a chat about her contributing or decide you have paid enough.

Yeah, it's a long time.
We've been paying for driving lessons for 5 years! First our son, them me! I was late learner, I'd never been bothered until my oh had a medical episode and we had to wait 6 hours for an ambulance as there was no one to take him to A&E. I'm not sure I would have managed even if I could drive though as he literally couldn't move. It was kidney stones, but we didn't know at the time.
Anyway, I digress, I can't take her as I only passed 18 months ago. OH Is a no no, he's too precious about his alloys and the Insurance on his car would be sky high.
She had glandular fever and was hospitalised herself last year, and had to take a month off uni (who knew that glandular fever can damage the liver and spleen? Not me, I thought it was just a sore throat!) so she missed a good couple of months lessons.
Next year she's out of halls and in a house share. Hopefully that will encourage her to be a bit more considerate.

She's really not a bad kid.
I just want the best for her, but I know it's coming across as controlling.

Why doesn’t she just have an afternoon lesson?

It's so hard to get driving lessons where we live, every instructor has waiting lists as long as your arm.
We're lucky that the one we use just added one after the other when we were having lessons.
They only tend to do certain areas on certain days, so unfortunately that's the day and time that he has available. If she wanted to change she would be back on the list until another slot came up.

I hate to be critical when you're asking for help - but this nails it really.
You treat them like little kids and get annoyed when they behave that way!
Also - if DD has slow processing, you should know that 'in a minute ' is meaningless.
If she doesn't pass, maybe it's time to take a break from driving and come back to it later.
Her not coming home every weekend would resolve half of your issues in one sweep.

Stop enabling both of them to continue to act like children.

It's your house. Ground rules for no eating in their bedrooms. They probably still will leave the dirty dishes in the kitchen but that's also on you and their dad for allowing them to reach adulthood and not clean up after themselves. They both work so they are capable of following rules and being responsible.

If daughter fails her test, stop paying for lessons. Are you going to be paying for her car too or is she paying for that herself from her wages? You aren't helping her treating her like a 12 year old by getting her up.

Have you ever left their rooms long enough for them to get revolted by their own mess? I have 21&18 and it sounds very familiar .

I was asking nicely, telling, then shouting about rooms and about 6 months ago I gave up.

Decided in my head their rooms don’t exist.

I saved back some towels, plates and cups for myself and just got in with life, it took a week for a “mum where are the bowls” it took 2 weeks for them to come down and wash their bedding and I still have no clue what pants they are both wearing.

But now the dishes come down and are put in the diswasher, the hoover makes an appearance up there every 2 weeks and generally the rooms are tidier.

I think you sound like a caring mum, but this is the time for you and maybe just let them be, she’s already at uni maybe comes home for a mental rest and then gets yells at, I can see from both sides.

But she's not missing her lessons is she. She was ten minutes late once. She's no more likely to pass or fail if she gets up with seconds to spare or hours. I would hate someone getting upset with me and disturbing my sleep because they think I should have bloody breakfast! No adult needs breakfast to function IMO. Admittedly I can't function without some caffeine - but everyone is different.

You're so right.

Empty nest syndrome is a bitch, and when they're at home I do let them get away with what they didn't when they were younger, but then moan about it.
I'm just gonna give myself a good shake and let them get on with it.
We won't be paying for her car when she gets one. We saved for both of them and when reached 18 they both got a lump sum to pay for their first car and insurance (or whatever else the wanted as long as it wasn't frittered away)

My neighbor’s son contracted glandular fever at 20 and he was flawed for months! She did well getting back to some normality after 1 month.

Your DD attends Uni, she works, she will pass her driving test and she is moving into a houseshare. Sounds like she is doing all the right things.

My DS is a personal hygiene obsessive which, believe me comes with its own challenges too 😂 Our water bill (when he is at home) doubles (he has at least 2 showers a day). Good job the housemates pay for Unibills in his house-share (6 of them) as all his housemates comment on this obsession of his!

Chuck everything back into her bedroom when she brings out a load of dirty dishes. She’ll start getting the message - although she might just leave them there and go back to uni too.

Does she need picking up from the train? If there’s transport she can take just let her do it.

Ignore the roll-out-of-bed thing. It’s her problem unless it interferes with you. My DD is the same (along with “deodorants are toxic”) and I’ve just given up. Let them be until they grow up or get a reality check the hard way.

Chill on the lessons. Do no more than pay for the lessons. Stick to more strict boundaries when picking her up from the train. Tell her the window in which you are available to pick her up and ask for a five hour notice of that time. (The first notice is the only time you will be available, unless train accident etc.)

Write down (in kitchen) that all plates, bowls and cups are to be returned to the kitchen, and washed, within 24 hours of being taken. Have the large notice blue tacked to the kitchen wall. Trust that your kids will become better at remembering to clean their rooms.
Maybe have a concerted effort before Christmas and before Easter to have rooms clean enough for a commercial vacuum and to leave doors open for a few days.

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