Estranged from adult - ways forward please

[Friartruckster]

Have been estranged for 6 years. No addiction or safeguarding issues with myself or DD1. Simply a break down in communication. Have a relationship with DD2. Divorced 9 years. DD1 has an excellent relationship with her father. I tried to find a way forward but no success.

This morning have contacted a mediation service for support to find a healthy way forward for us both.

Would welcome other people’s positive experiences of finding a resolution.

Is there any indication that she is interested in mediation?

Unfortunately it’ll only work if she also wants mediation. If she’s not bothered than trying to push her into it will just drive her further away.

So your DD1 has gone no contact with you? I don't think mediation is going to work in that case.

why has she gone no contact? Do you know? Can you address the underlying issues? Mediation, where you try to make it about compromise etc is clearly not an option if she thinks you have behaved ina. way that is completely unacceptable.

If the mediator accepts the case, then I would contact DD to ask if interested to engage to contact the mediator with a view to starting the process.

The best I would hope for is she is able to have a conversation with a neutral third party who may ask questions that might give DD an opportunity to consider an alternative perception. If this was possible, perhaps she might feel less angry.

What are her reasons for the estrangement?

Mediation is pointless if she’s not open to this. Has she said that she’d go?

Do you have a good sense of why you’re no contact with each other? Maybe your own therapy is the way to go rather than focusing on restarting a relationship with your daughter.

might give DD an opportunity to consider an alternative perception.

So... you want mediation so that she will change her mind about whatever it is that has caused her to go no contact? You don't seem to see even a possibility that perhaps YOU could accept soem responsibility?

If you know she “feels angry” then you know the reason for the estrangement. Why pretend its unknown or mysterious? People, especially daughters, usually esttange for very serious reasons. Why do you think that your “third party” can get her to forget those reasons?

Notably, you don't mention your answering questions and considering an alternative perception.

“Would welcome other people’s positive experiences.”

I understand people would want to know the issue. I have asked for positive outcomes. This would help me to understand how best to proceed.

If there are no posts of positive outcomes, then this is my answer.

Thank you where you have taken time to post.

I am estranged from 3 of my dc... I doubt there is any going back sadly.. Never even considered mediation..
Just boxed it all up and put it to the back of my mind and moved on.
Ime influenced from the other parent is sometimes unfixable..
Is that what you think happened op?

People with different experiences will have different experiences—the point that posters here are making is that positive experiences in healing an estrangement are perhaps irreproducible under other circumstances.

Without specific details how can anyone know whether their story us relevant to yours?

@pikkumyy77 @Easterbunnygettingsorted Thanks for your response.

I understand the experiences are not transferable from one experience to another. I asked hoping hearing the experiences of others might offer some encouragement. Again, an absence of posts sharing how an estrangement resolved is an answer in itself, indicating how best to proceed.

My thanks again to those who have taken time to respond. Where I have not directly responded, it is not because I am being intentionally obstructive. Again, an absence of posts indicating an estrangement resolved is an answer in itself.

There is an 'Estrangement' thread on Gransnet which you may find helpful.
Best wishes OP.

@NonComm thank you. I check it out.

Never mind the mediation. You don’t need to give any back story, it’s enough that there was a breakdown in communication and you’ve gone all these years without talking. You write her a letter, be willing to really listen and take it on the chin, even if you don’t agree, because ultimately it’s how she feels, her experiences and its up to you how much you want to get that relationship back on track.

Hard to comment without any back story.

I am no contact with my mother and her side of the family.

I will never reconsider my decision because I consider that the pain they caused me throughout my life until I went no contact can never be forgiven/forgotten and also because my mother never shown any sign of self-reflection or acceptance of the damage she caused.

All I can suggest is that you self-reflect as to why your daughter cut you off and consider whether or not there is some validity in her concerns.

Maybe send her a letter as a last attempt to reconnect.

My guess is that she will find face to face mediation too confrontational so you won't get anywhere with that.

Also be prepared to accept that if someone makes it clear that they no longer want you in their life you need to respect their wishes.

Being related to someone does not mean that that person has a duty to interact with you.

I am no contact with my mother for 14 years. Let me tell you that every daughter wants a relationship with her mum, so the decision to go no contact is never made lightly.

If I got contact about going to mediation, I’d want to know a) my mother had been to therapy, b) she held herself accountable and c) most importantly, she is genuinely and authentically sorry for the hurt and pain she’s caused me over the years.

Even then I’d need a long time to reflect on if I wanted to move forward because, and this is the crunch, I do not trust her. Not even a little bit.

Thank you again for your responses.

I have no experience but I think you should definitely explore. If she’s not ready at least she will know that you care. You don’t have anything to lose. Best of luck!

What have you done so far to try to get it back on track?