Narcissistic adult child

[Samk79]

Hi everyone

does anyone have any tips on how to deal with and support a narcissistic child?

my daughter is 22 and has a narcissistic personality. I split from her dad when she was 6 after he had an affair. She has been treated badly by her dad and hasn’t had a proper relationship with him for a number of years.

she moved to Scotland 3 and a half years ago to go to uni. She changed courses and is currently taking time out of uni and is working part time but is hoping to go back in sepr.

she has always been difficult to deal with. Due to her spending so little time at home (3 weeks last year) and constantly telling us she will never move back here, we need to move the bedrooms round. I have a 17 year old form my first marriage and a 4 year old form my current marriage.

we are keeping all my dds things sne she will be in the small bedroom. We sent some clothes to her last week which she has sorted through to sell. She had a major meltdown and told me I’m erasing her from my life, I’ve sent her into a depressive episode so she wants to kill herself, I don’t love her and I’m not a good mother

it’s really sad to hear her say those things and I’ve tried to be empathic and supportive but she keeps throwing insults at me

if anyone has had a similar situation, please can I have any tips to help!

Don’t rise to it, I know it’s hard! Be careful of labelling her as narcissistic. Some barely adult kids take longer to come out of the teenage brat phase, and she may be a completely different person in a few years. Just stand firm that it was her choice to move out, she said she doesn’t want to return, but you’re still keeping a room for her. However it’s completely impractical for you to keep a large room empty.

Ask her if something else is going on to make her feel bad, and offer her the chance to discuss it. If you’re sure that there isn’t something else the matter just refuse to discuss it further.

Just tell her not to be so silly. She's always welcome at home yada yada but you aren't keeping her room exactly as it is for her now that she lives elsewhere. Appeal to the adult in her (if it's there). This does not make her a narc, have you any idea?

@Anonym00se her dad is a narcissist and she is so similar to him!
the problem is that she is never honest about what is going on and how she is feeling!

It sounds like she’s been triggered. Based on what you’ve described of her childhood experience with her Dad she absolutely could have some trauma there which may have created attachment issues. I know you won’t feel like saying sorry while she is hurling abuse at you but I would approach this in the following way;

• Say sorry that the action has made her feel this way. You would never want to cause her hurt or pain. You love her and you support her always.
• If she is having suicidal feelings (which can be a symptom of being triggered / emotionally flooded) I would guide her towards support for that. Ideally she will access therapy and a GP would be her starting point into those pathways.
• If she is struggling to bounce back and is in a depression she might also benefit from some medication to help with that.
• While you do need to support her, you also need to protect yourself. I would have a very factual and boundary based conversation. I understand that you’re hurt and angry but when you say (xyz) it has (xyz) effect on me. I’m your mum. I love you. I do my best for you always. Can we please be kind to each other and figure out how to make this better together.

This comes from a 40yr old woman that has been that 22yr old girl. Who took the medication and got the therapy. I’m not suggesting all situations are the same but that’s how I interpreted it. The way your daughter is behaving is absolutely not okay but I promise you she feels like shit. I got labeled a narcissist by an aunt. I wasn’t a narcissist, I had complex PTSD due to childhood trauma.

Is she diagnosed or have you just decided she must be narcissistic?

@3littlepearls
thats really helpful, thank you.
she has been on medication in the past but came off it a while ago. I paid for her to have prayer counselling when she was younger but she wouldn’t engage with it.
it’s hard as she doesn’t like to talk about things and is a very closed book. She also chose to move 300 miles away so she is very isolated where she is now

@Bingbopboomboomboombopbam
no she hasn’t as she has refused testing to get a diagnosis. She has a narcissistic personality and I suspect is on the autism spectrum, she told me she didn’t want testing as doesn’t want to get labelled

@Samk79 I would be very careful in throwing around labels like that without at least disclosing it’s just your personal opinion, even if you truly believe she hits all the markers for it.

@3littlepearls already wrote out amazing advice so I’m not going to repeat it. I do hope your daughter gets better.

Therapy is a tricky thing. She has to be ready for it, it’s one of the toughest things to do but it really can be life changing if done correctly with the right practitioner. I moved a long distance from family at a similar age. I don’t think that’s uncommon, I think it can be part of it and something to do with disorganised attachment. Wanting to run away and isolate but wanting to be loved and feel part of a family. It’s a battle! I hope one day she can make that step. In the meantime, give your self grace. You’re learning and doing your best and so is she. There are some really great books out there on compassion based therapy that might be helpful. It’s a tough road dealing with a family member with mental health issues and it’s okay to need support for yourself too. I hope you both find your healing. Xxxx

So she is the eldest child of three siblings all from different Dads? She has a shit relationship with her biological Dad? What about her relationship with the other 2 Dad’s in your/her life?

You’ve labelled her narcissistic based on what exactly? Your experience of her biological Dad being a narcissist?

Your daughter feels displaced in this world and you calling her a narcissist is wrong and abusive. Can you see any relationship between your life choices and her behaviour at all?

In my unqualified opinion there is potentially one narcissist in this scenario and it isn’t your daughter.

@Happypeoplearehappy
my children are not from 3 different dads, her younger brother has the same dad. The marriage ended as he had been cheating on me for a year.
I feel it’s very judgemental to refer to my life choices! I was heart broken when my ex Cheated on me and it took me a long time to open my heart up again!
her dad caused me so much grief including taking me to court for access to my son even though I never stopped access, she wasn’t mentioned at all in the court proceedings, not my choice!
my daughter herself has said she knows she is a narcissist, she is the one who brought it up.
I came in here to ask for advice on how to support her and not to be judged!

my daughter herself has said she knows she is a narcissist, she is the one who brought it up.
How terribly sad that someone put those words in her mouth. That hasn't come from nowhere, has it? How often have you denigrated her father (half of her) in front of her telling her he's a narc? Or telling other people while she's standing right there?

Your whole response to @Happypeoplearehappy is very telling actually. It's all "me me me what about me and how I feel" and nothing about how this might have affected your poor daughter who is probably just emotionally protecting herself from any more hurt and rejection.

I hope your daughter is able to heal and feel safe and loved one day.

Some good advice given already.
Could it help to maybe offer to do her new room up a bit for her to make her feel valued?

Prayer counselling? Surely that’s not something you pay for?

I think you're focusing on your own experiences with her father, and not actually listening to what she's telling you. It sounds to me like she has good reason to feel upset, and instead of feeling defensive, it would be really good for both her and you if you open yourself up to be more vulnerable and think about what she's actually experiencing.
She has been rejected by a father, and is being compared to the worst traits he has by you, her one present parent. There is a lot of "she's like her dad" in your posts- imagine what it must be like for her to be told she's like a cruel, irresponsible person.
She has moved away and is struggling. Your place is not to judge her for moving away, but to support her in her struggles. The lesson will be that you can make the wrong decision, and do something about it to make your life better.
She has lost her bedroom and you've sent her clothes- I can see how that would feel like a further rejection and would make her feel alienated.

Listen to her, OP. Admitting you've got things wrong is a really important key part of parenting.

Shudder at prayer counselling!

There are a number of things to unpick and you need to separate them out.

• bedroom you reassure her that you are just having a rethink about space, that nothing has changed, she is welcome home anytime and she will have a lovely space to be in. That you are keeping the things that are important to her.
• stop labelling her. Do not accept her labelling herself
• She sounds quite sad so reach out to her and show constant love. Perhaps go and visit or meet her halfway.
• accept that the choices of her parents have affected her.

she sounds muddled and alone rather than anything else. She has a right to feel hurt.