Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Parents of adult children

Wondering how to stop worrying about your grown child? Speak to others in our Parents of Adult Children forum.

Original poster

Gaming, mental health of adult child slowly killing our marriage

29 replies

Followmedown · 16/03/2025 06:58

My adult son, nearly 20, was kicked out of his mother's house for aggressive behaviour a bit over 3 years ago when he was still at school. His attendance to school was terrible and he got a D in A levels in one subject. He nonetheless found a uni course which would take him but never attended. Since then he has basically stayed in his room and virtually never goes out at all.

He has been a gamer for years and now spends all night every night on the computer going to bed after my wife and I leave for work, about 0645 every day. I have been trying to get him counselling as he says he's depressed and self medicates with weed. He is very slow/ resistant to counselling (this is the 4th time we've tried to get him to go).

We are planning to move away as part of our retirement plan but I have no idea what he is going to do, where he will live, how he will survive.

My wife will not take him with us when we move and he shows no sign of coming out of this slump.

Any advice or thoughts very welcome, thanks for reading this far.

OP posts:
DustyLee123 · 16/03/2025 07:01

Where does he get money from for weed etc?

Arthurnewyorkcity · 16/03/2025 07:04

It does sound like he has mental health issues but it also sounds like he's been enabled. Does he pay rent if he doesn't work? Why is he allowed to game until almost 7am each morning? Turn the WiFi off. His sleeping pattern won't be helping. Does he help around the house/do chores? Who is doing his washing, cooking etc? He needs to be buying and sorting himself.
I'd be setting some very firm ground rules. I'd also be telling him it's time to stand on his own 2 feet. Doing nothing all day every day is not going to help. He needs a gp appointment, get rid of the weed and start leaving the house. Stop enabling this man child. No wonder your wife isn't allowing him to move. I wouldn't either

Bailamosse · 16/03/2025 07:06

Turn the WiFi off, stop giving him money, tell him to see his GP and get a job.

goodnightssleepbenice · 16/03/2025 07:08

He might be 20 but he is under your roof therefore needs to follow your rules. He needs tough love plus some help, he needs a routine , job , to sleep at night not in the day , to earn money, a GP appointment

Theextraordinaryisintheordinary · 16/03/2025 07:12

I saw a corner of this behaviour with a relative’s son. It made me be super strict with my own children with gaming as a result. It’s such a slippery slope and they need adults to manage this when they’re young otherwise they become slaves to it, it robs them of their childhood.

I would start with taking him out for dinner somewhere and start gently. Explaining you have allowed the gaming and it’s not his fault he became addicted as he was a child but now you want to help him move on. Find some links about depression and gaming and talk to him in a really respectful way. Explain you’re leaving soon and you want to help him refocus his life while he’s still young enough to turn things around.

Tell him you’re going to be turning the WiFi off on an evening to support him.

GOOD LUCK!

Loopytiles · 16/03/2025 07:13

What was your parenting of him and relationship with him like before he moved in due to the crises with his habits, health and behaviour at his mum’s?

Suggest seeking advice from drugs and mental health charities and health professionals. Discuss your ex’s experience with her and see if she can think of things. Agree with cutting off money and wifi.

Moving away at this time without trying to help address this would be bad for your DS, especially if your parenting before was lacking.

Original poster
Followmedown · 16/03/2025 07:30

Thanks for the responses everyone. When we've cut off the wifi before he just resets it as it's in his room which is where the phone line is, he has also destroyed furniture/ become violent when we've done these things - that's why he was thrown out of his mum's. We've also not really given him money at all until recently, when he ran out completely. He did have an online 'job' for a while but didn't ever tell me what it was he was doing. Have tried getting mental health help he never engages with it. I basically agree with what you are all saying but making it happen has proved difficult!

OP posts:
DustyLee123 · 16/03/2025 07:41

I’d tell him that you’re moving, and when it’s going to happen, and that he won’t be coming with you.
Again, suggest the GP etc. If he gets violent, then you need to ring the police and he suffers the consequences. It’s time for him to grow up.

Whattodo121 · 16/03/2025 07:42

I get so annoyed when people say that weed is harmless. It isn’t! He may have undiagnosed SEN which is why he’s self medicating, it sounds like he has a gaming addiction and the weed won’t be helping his executive function or motivation to change things. There is an epidemic of young people in your son’s situation and you want to get a handle on it before it becomes even more entrenched.

He needs to start counselling, sort his sleep pattern out, engage with real life and get a job. All this you know, and all this sounds very straightforward but as you also know, very difficult to implement. But at the moment he’s got it made, he’s able to live an easy life doing exactly as he pleases without consequence. There’s food in the fridge, wifi, nice warm house etc. Somehow he needs to reset and realise that he needs to contribute financially and socially to his future, rather than being reliant on you forever.

Original poster
Followmedown · 16/03/2025 07:54

To be fair to him he's had some pretty bad experiences including death of a close friend while at school. The central problem is really getting him to accept help and make progress and when he doesnt it looks like he's perfectly comfortable where he is but I can't accept that. He's made no progress and is more isolated since his friends went off to uni. Until recently when he ran out of money he had been buying his own food and cooking for himself. He knows we're planning to move.

OP posts:
GreenFrogYellow · 16/03/2025 08:00

You need to explain to him what the impending consequences are if he makes no effort and then outline how you can support him and give him the choice. He is an adult and he may need to sink before he learns to swim, like any addict.

THisbackwithavengeance · 16/03/2025 08:01

I say it on every thread like this but this has happened as a direct consequence of a drug addiction which has addled his brain. Of course all the fellow weed addicts of which there are plenty on MN will object and say it’s no worse than a glass of wine etc. How can any human being function if they’re permanently stoned?

ParsnipPuree · 16/03/2025 08:08

THisbackwithavengeance · 16/03/2025 08:01

I say it on every thread like this but this has happened as a direct consequence of a drug addiction which has addled his brain. Of course all the fellow weed addicts of which there are plenty on MN will object and say it’s no worse than a glass of wine etc. How can any human being function if they’re permanently stoned?

Completely agree, I’ve seen it with my own dd who thankfully now has a good career and doesn’t have the time for it during the week but it could easily have gone the other way. Changes their brains and not for the better.

DamnedIfIDoDamnedIfIDont · 16/03/2025 08:15

Followmedown · 16/03/2025 07:30

Thanks for the responses everyone. When we've cut off the wifi before he just resets it as it's in his room which is where the phone line is, he has also destroyed furniture/ become violent when we've done these things - that's why he was thrown out of his mum's. We've also not really given him money at all until recently, when he ran out completely. He did have an online 'job' for a while but didn't ever tell me what it was he was doing. Have tried getting mental health help he never engages with it. I basically agree with what you are all saying but making it happen has proved difficult!

Simple, Change the WiFi password.

EliflurtleAndTheInfiniteMadness · 16/03/2025 08:22

Followmedown · 16/03/2025 07:30

Thanks for the responses everyone. When we've cut off the wifi before he just resets it as it's in his room which is where the phone line is, he has also destroyed furniture/ become violent when we've done these things - that's why he was thrown out of his mum's. We've also not really given him money at all until recently, when he ran out completely. He did have an online 'job' for a while but didn't ever tell me what it was he was doing. Have tried getting mental health help he never engages with it. I basically agree with what you are all saying but making it happen has proved difficult!

I would change the setup so he cant reset it, you can have the phone line moved and then simply remove the modem when you don't need it on ot cut off the broadband connection and use mobile data. Wifi becomes available as a reward. You might need to start with small steps like him going on a walk round the block and eating dinner with you. Start putting in place things that support good mental health. If gaming is his currency make use of that. Going to therapy and engaging equals more wifi. But make it clear beforehand violence means the police will be called and mean it. If nothing changes nothing will change. You can't make him interact with the world but you can stop enabling him to live this way and you can encourage and reward positive behaviours.

andyouwillknowusbythetrailofdead · 16/03/2025 08:23

Followmedown · 16/03/2025 07:54

To be fair to him he's had some pretty bad experiences including death of a close friend while at school. The central problem is really getting him to accept help and make progress and when he doesnt it looks like he's perfectly comfortable where he is but I can't accept that. He's made no progress and is more isolated since his friends went off to uni. Until recently when he ran out of money he had been buying his own food and cooking for himself. He knows we're planning to move.

We've all had bad experiences. Life is full of them. That isn't an excuse to become an abusive leech.

andyouwillknowusbythetrailofdead · 16/03/2025 08:23

@DamnedIfIDoDamnedIfIDont RTFT.

LemonTraybake · 16/03/2025 08:34

Followmedown · 16/03/2025 07:30

Thanks for the responses everyone. When we've cut off the wifi before he just resets it as it's in his room which is where the phone line is, he has also destroyed furniture/ become violent when we've done these things - that's why he was thrown out of his mum's. We've also not really given him money at all until recently, when he ran out completely. He did have an online 'job' for a while but didn't ever tell me what it was he was doing. Have tried getting mental health help he never engages with it. I basically agree with what you are all saying but making it happen has proved difficult!

Move where the wifi comes into the house so he doesn’t have access to the router. Remove his phone, computers any devices. (Call the police if he becomes violent. ) We did this our son, it was awful, I was on suicide watch because he went to his bed and didn’t get out for 3 days. I was so so worried but I kept asking myself “would I buy heroin if he was addicted to that?” No, I would not. These kids are dealing with addiction and its up to is to help them break it. I sent his devices to offsite storage so he couldn’t get them at all. After a week or so I allowed him his laptop ONLY to find a job and ONLY if he left the house to use it. Honestly, it was exhausting and so so stressful, but after a few weeks of doing absolutely bugger all to get a job, my husband found him one, and that changed everything. Our son had purpose. He gained confidence. He started hanging out with us as a family. We still didn’t allow his computer back in the house but did allow him to use his phone (on which he gamed of course…). He was still awful to live with so we started talking about him moving out. It took a year to get him there but he finally moved out aged 24, in January this year. He is happy, he has his computer back, a full time job, and a studio flat with a garden, all of which he pays for himself. It has been so good for his self esteem and done wonders for our relationship. It took us 10 years of stress and worry and suicide watch and guilt and arguing to get here, but the solution was there all along. Remove the drug. Give your son purpose.

You can do it. Good luck.

AmandaHoldensLips · 16/03/2025 08:35

What would happen if you took some time out with him? Take him somewhere, just you and him, for a week say, no other distractions, and open a dialogue.

He needs to be given a firm hand to get him out of that rut.

Get rid of the weed. Tell him it's non negotiable. Get him into a programme.

He either does it your way or ends up presenting as homeless. You might even take him to the homeless shelter or housing chaos at the council office so that he gets a glimpse of what that future could look like.

He's hiding from his future and probably scared shitless because he has no idea how to be an adult and take responsibility for his own life.

There is also the option of him signing up to the armed forces where he will go into further training and not have to think for himself because it's all set out for them 24 hours a day.

Tell him he cannot avoid growing up. It happens to all of us.

You need to step up. Young men need a strong male mentor to set them straight. Better for it to come from you.

ByQuaintAzureWasp · 16/03/2025 08:39

Tell him he's got to get a job as you will be selling up so he needs to get his act together and you will now be doing the following to assist him:
Don't give him any money.
Change the WiFi password.
Turn the WiFi off every day - only on from 6-9 am and 5 pm to midnight.

Jossse · 16/03/2025 08:53

You are facilitating his behaviour… which is accepting his behaviour… you’re tip toeing around him… nothing will work while he is controlling you. He is calling the shots and you are funding it. Sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind. Cut off the WiFi/change the password. If he becomes violent, call the police. He’s not listening to/can’t hear you… a big change is required.
You can’t keep doing the same thing and expect different results …

Original poster
Followmedown · 16/03/2025 08:54

Lots of useful advice here thanks everyone

OP posts:
DamnedIfIDoDamnedIfIDont · 17/03/2025 11:15

andyouwillknowusbythetrailofdead · 16/03/2025 08:23

@DamnedIfIDoDamnedIfIDont RTFT.

What does that mean?
im simply saying whats worked for me when adult kids need to reeled in. Switch the wifi off has worked every time

Gall10 · 17/03/2025 11:17

Bailamosse · 16/03/2025 07:06

Turn the WiFi off, stop giving him money, tell him to see his GP and get a job.

This is the only correct response to the original post. Thank you!

andyouwillknowusbythetrailofdead · 17/03/2025 11:58

@DamnedIfIDoDamnedIfIDont OP has explained why that doesn't work in her case. The wifi is in her son's room.