Lack of empathy

[Suzie46]

Hi, first time writing on here so bear with me. I am 46 yrs old, I am very empathetic, caring and a bit of a people pleaser. My husband is the exact opposite. Anyway my DS is 21 yrs old, he doesn’t have many friends & works with older men in trades. I’m really struggling with the fact he is so selfish, has no empathy & does not care about how his actions affect others. If he dislikes someone he won’t even give them a chance, he writes them off straight away. I’m really worried he’s going to go through life like this. He is respectful at home, he’s not cheeky to us, he respects the rules of the house and pays rent, he helps his DS out financially & will help out if asked. He earns ok money has a nice car, gorgeous GF and goes on plenty of holidays so I just don’t get why he’s so negative about everything. Please tell me this gets better as he matures and he’ll be happy at some point.

It sounds like he takes after his dad. Did his dad mature out of it?

I’m confused, your DS has a DS that he “helps out”? Or was this back to your husband?

I agree with the poster that said he probably takes after his father. My DB is like that, he’s very negative even though he has a really good job, amazing wage and great social life. He’s been in therapy for 2+ years but it hasn’t seem to have shifted.

Your son doesn’t sound particularly selfish. He contributes to your household and helps his sister. Is he miserable with his GF? If they go out and socialise that would be happy times, wouldn’t it?

I’m not sure cutting people you don’t like off is a bad thing if it’s done politely. Wouldn’t it be two faced not to? Wouldn’t you rather him have friendships that are mutually rewarding?

Do you think his unhappiness might be driven by what a shit show the news is now? I think some people have to take a break from hearing about the misery sometimes

Compared to some of the threads on here, you have done a great job raising your son.

So the main thing is he decides he doesn’t like someone and doesn’t make an effort with them? I think that’s fair enough, I’m the same! Life is too short. As long as he’s not being rude or horrible then why should he have to bend over backwards to get on with people? He sounds like a good lad generally, maybe he’s just a different personality to you. I’m not a people pleaser either.

Thank you, you’s have made me feel less worried about him. Sorry the DS was his younger sister and I think it’s his job he’s not happy with, he’s on 3rd year apprenticeship and been treated poorly. There are people he needs to at least do bare minimum with or it will cause upset with GF. His Dad wasn’t this bad but still the most negative person I know. I just want him to be happy and have good supportive relationships rather than the kind his dad and I had. But I do understand he had a hard time growing up and was made fun of a lot at school so maybe that’s why he has no time for people. I don’t know, but thanks for responding,

It sounds more like he's very wary of other people due to being treated badly in the past. Like a self protection strategy. Could he look for work somewhere different when he's finished the apprenticeship?

Made fun of at school or was bullied at school?

You say he's not being treated well at work, what’s happening? How long has he got left to qualify? Could he made to another employer?

These are all things that could make you unhappy so maybe he’s a bit fed up, or even depressed.

I wish he could move to another company but he’s just about to start his last year so no one would take him on for that but he’s going to try something else once he’s fully qualified with trade.
yes I think your right about not having a lot of friendships and being cautious with this and yes I agree he shouldn’t have people in his life he doesn’t get on with, he’s just very quick to judge and right them off. But he is a good guy I think I needed reminding of that as I have been too busy worrying about the type of person he may be becoming 🙂

You know, I think we set our dc up to be picked on if we expect them to be nice to everyone regardless of their behaviour.

My DC were horrified when people were mean to them, because I’d been so focused on ensuring they weren’t mean. They had to learn to be a bit more resilient and with that came letting go of any responsibility for making other people happy.

If he’s managing his close relationships ok, and is polite at work, then there isn’t an issue. Point out he may need to be nice to his girlfriend’s significant people, but to keep her happy rather than them.

Yes i was and am the same, it’s important to treat people kindly, he’s not always polite and that does annoy me, he says what he thinks whether it’s right or wrong, I always try to get kids to see things from other point of views when in conflict but they think I’m always taking the others side when I’m not I’m just trying to teach them about 2 sides and perspectives.

some people do have more 'callous unemotional' traits than others, and that can make them seem selfish and uncaring. This can be inherited so the traits you see in your DH can repeat in your DS.

they can improve but they need to learn to do so, it won't always come spontaneously. they may learn better from positive reinforcement than from punishments, so praise any positive caring things.

they can also learn to be caring in a 'selfish way' - so learning that 'if I do a favour for someone now, they will do a favour back to me'. that is not exactly the same as being genuinely altruistic, but is close enough to have a more positive life.

@Suzie46 like other users have said it might be a reaction to bullying he’s suffered in the past.

My DD is like that, she’s genuinely very polite/nice to people she empathises with (ie, she worked in hospitality and knows how shit it is so she’ll never give workers a hard time) but she’s incredibly quick to cut people off or snap at someone that inconveniences her even in the slightest (ie slow walkers on the street).

She used to be overly nice, even naïve, and quite frankly bullying did a number on her. She’s had counselling to work on her defensiveness because it’s often off the charts but she’s decided to ditch that.

Omg yes my son is so defensive, he is aware of it though but wouldn’t go to therapy