Advice Please! Child Concerns

[60smom]

Hi,
I am after some advice as I am at my wits end with one of my adult children.

My son is 29 and has sole custody of his child. He lives at home with his child and I’ll be honest - I do most of the heavy lifting raising his child whilst working myself and running the household. Without going into specifics my grandchild’s mother has virtually nothing to do with her child. She was abusive to my son whilst living under my roof for a number of years and tried to use the child against him when he finally stood up to her. The whole situation nearly drove my entire family apart due to her and my son refused to listen to us about what she was like for 7 years before she threw her own child. She lied to court but he has hundreds of pages of documents and evidence which proved she was a compulsive liar and a risk to the child so he was awarded custody. Since that point his ex partner has basically admitted she had the child only to trap him and if he doesn’t want her she doesn’t want the child.
My grandchild is loved and is thriving away from her with me and his father..

Fast Forward 5 years.
My son has recently started dating again for the first time. Initially I was so happy for him. I have met her once and she seemed so nice and down to earth. But I’m suddenly seeing red flags whenever I learn something new about her. My fear is history is about to repeat itself and my son’s entering a relationship with another abuser.
She spends time with my son and his child (never alone). I have recently discovered she has lost custody of her own child and that has set off alarm bells for me and the wider family. I’ve since found out she’s living in a hostel, her entire family now have nothing to do with her from what I can tell and the loss of her child has been in the last 3/4 months from what I can work out.

I asked my son in horror why she doesn’t have her child (whilst trying not to judge or reach any conclusions) - hes stonewalling me and trying to completely avoid the subject. I eventually got out of him “she was in an abusive relationship and the child’s father was beating her” and I can’t for the life of me understand why that means she’d have her child taken away. So immediately after this I withdrew from her. I’m at a loss to understand why my son would introduce her to his child knowing this and not knowing why. Completely taking her word for it and now he refuses to listen to reason. The situation is now becoming quite heated as the more I press the issue the more the story chops and changes. He’s now telling me that she “gave her child to her aunt” whilst she sorts herself out. But from what I know about her, she’s not trying to sort anything out, her sole focus is now trying to be with my son 24/7.
He has now asked me if she can move in! Which I have flat out denied. Under no circumstances will I allow her under my roof until my questions are answered. It’s got to the point now where if my son wants to get with someone who beats him up again then I can’t keep fighting his corner, but I will not allow my grandson to be in this situation.

After doing my own investigations I have actually discovered her childs father. Believe it or not HE has posted on public groups asking for advice and he included screenshots of messages from my son’s new partner . Messages where the girlfriend admits to physically assaulting her child’s father and locking him the house, refusing to let him see family and friends etc. He states that she has a child protective order against her due to all the recordings and messages he has from her..

Firstly, is there anyway I can find out why she’s lost her child ? As I’m fed up of the lies and the stories are not making any sense.
I really don’t know how to approach the situation any further.
Do I contact the ex partner and see if he’s willing to share the things she’s done in the hope my son will listen ? I have not shared with him what I have found online as I know he will refuse to listen to me and she will explain it away in a heartbeat

thanks

sorry for rambling I will try and provide more information to any questions if anything needs more detail

Am I right to be concerned with the new girlfriend?

I totally understand why you're concerned op. I would be too tbh.

I work in a school and the safeguarding training we do does mention that allowing your child to witness domestic abuse, (even if you are the one being abused and not the child), is a type of child abuse. So it might be possible that she did have her child removed because of her ex abusing her, if she refused to leave him maybe?

But even still, there are a lot of red flags there and I'd be really worried.

Probably didn't prove to social services she was putting her child first, by leaving the abuser, and therefore putting her child at risk of harm.

No, you can’t find out why her child was taken into care. But you can contact the police under claire and sarah law to say you are worried about her being around your son and grandchild.

Don’t contact the ex partner.

Please stick to your stance and don't let her move in. If he wants to be with her that much then they move out and he starts parenting. Test his metal and resolve where the relationship is concerned.

I did initially think that it could be she didn’t leave the partner as I know of someone that had her children taken away for staying with an abuser. I wouldn’t be as judging towards her if this was the case as I know that it’s not easy when you’re in that situation.

However, having done some digging myself I have learnt the ex left her after having enough of the abuse he was receiving from her. It was at this point that she started using the child as a weapon against him, refusing him access and such.

This happened around June/July 2024 from the dates I can see on posts. Then from about October onwards 2024 that’s when she no longer had her child. So I have no idea what happened between July-Oct last year which resulted in her losing her child / “giving it away to her aunt” I worry that like my grandsons mother. Once she lost the man she didn’t want the child - but she now seems keen to play mother to my sons child she’s only known a matter of weeks.

I don’t know for sure who has her child. The situation at home is now becoming very frosty with me and my son hardly speaking due to me confronting the situation. His siblings have tried to approach the subject too and he now won’t talk to them. Short of having it our face to fade with the new girlfriend we don’t know what to do.

Hes painting some picture that “we all just don’t like her” and we have it in for her before they’ve even got off the ground. We are at a loss as to why he can’t see why we are concerned about his child not so much him in this situation. We are far more mature and wise then he is and we can just sense something is afoot and know that there is lies being told, either by her to my sons or by my son to us in the hope we accept her .

given he has gone through his own custody battle costing thousands in solicitors and taking 2 years I would have hoped he would be more clued up to actually how hard it is to remove a child from
someone’s care , and know that it’s only done for serious things

There’s a thing called a kinship arrangement where social services assess if relatives are suitable to care for a dc if they can’t be with their parent. That might be why the dc is with an aunt. I think I’d fight back about her moving in until I’d known her a lot longer.