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My father called me a liar

16 replies

shelle07 · 07/03/2025 06:04

Been no contact for 2 years. My father cut me off after I confronted him about his affair, and it was tearing my mother apart. Eventually my mother decided to stay with him, but he never sorted things out with his kids. He was angry that I dared to stand up to him. Roll on 2 years and he then sent a message asking to meet up. I was hopeful that he had had time to think and wanted his family back, but it became clear that his motive was to get assurance we (his kids) will look after him if he becomes ill. He got annoyed when I explained that we needed to repair the damage first and try to heal, and then when I recounted what happened and told him how I felt, he called me a liar. At that point I explained that I can’t sit there while he calls me a liar, and he called me a liar again. My sister got up and left and so did I.
i’ve heard nothing since. I hoped he would reflect and apologise. But he hasn’t. Nothing from my mother either. I thought she might want to hear from me what happened. But nothing. Really sad.

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Bingbopboomboomboombopbam · 07/03/2025 07:05

My parents divorced due to my father’s affair and I was NC with him for many years - he’s great as a grandfather, but to this day he doesn’t acknowledge what he did, even though it was 2 or 3 marriages ago.

Sulu17 · 07/03/2025 07:07

You have done all that you could. You have been honest and decent and he has not. Your mother has decided to side with him. So be it. I suggest you move on with your life and be happy.

ThreeMagicNumber · 07/03/2025 07:13

Your mums a fool and he's an absolute idiot if he thinks he could just breeze back in wanting you to agree to care for him if he got ill with no apologies and then had the audacity to be offensive.

I'm glad your sister has your back and I'm sorry he's the way he is. Honestly, I'd leave them to it and get on with your life but I'm very good at just cutting people out my life without a second thought if they hurt me and have done it with two cousins and my sister and my mum for a period when she stayed with her abusive partner who'd been abusive to me. Itl hurt at first but honestly the freedom from the toxic behaviour and the worrying is a relief.

cleo333 · 07/03/2025 07:23

I read something the other day that made me think - people who play victim n the chaos they caused are to be avoided

I agree with that . My mum does that all the time . She's caused loads of pain to me over the years , backing up my mean dad and wanting me and my children to be grateful to abusive men . I left years ago after counselling to heal and find our freedom . They have taken zero responsibility

I have a happy normal life with people and family around me that support me however it does feel v unfair at times - look up scapegoat in familes

TinyMouseTheatre · 07/03/2025 07:31

I'm really glad that your DSis has your back too. Things would be tougher if she sided with them.

I can see that it's hurtful that your DM hasn't called but you don't know what he's said to her and she clearly wants to stay with him.

Do you ever contact her independently of him?

Cattreesea · 07/03/2025 08:39

He sounds like a selfish, entitled man who is not willing to take responsibility for his actions.

I would stay no contact with him and move on with your life.

If he tries to get in touch with you again make it clear you have no intention to care for him as he ages/should he get sick and that you don't wish to have him in your life due to his behaviour and lack of self-awareness.

Your mother might have chosen to stay and enable his behaviour but you don't have to.

TinyMouseTheatre · 07/03/2025 19:29

The only thing I'd be concerned about really is if your DM is ill and needs help.

shelle07 · 08/03/2025 06:24

I’ve tried to maintain a relationship separately with my mother, and I’ve explained how important it is that we do this, but it has become clear that she feels the need to choose a side. Which hurts.
of course we still love them and could never abandon them if they became ill, but we’d like to believe that we would be met with love, instead of guilt and obligation. My father is so full of his own self importance, I don’t feel like he has any love left in him.

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Squeakpopcorn · 08/03/2025 06:44

Does your Mum still believe the affair has happened?

shelle07 · 08/03/2025 16:14

She’s not sure. At the time she told the woman’s husband and they are now divorced. Now my mother questions whether it did happen or not. She’s never got an answer out of my father. He refused to discuss it. He never denied it to us either.

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Sulu17 · 08/03/2025 16:20

This is the sort of shit my mother would have done, she had a very tenuous grasp of reality. But your mother is possibly being bullied by your father and has lost sight of her own self and beliefs as a person. This also happened to my mother who was bullied for years by my father.

Sulu17 · 08/03/2025 16:22

Meant to add, you are not going to be able to influence her or to get her to have a relationship with you independently of your father. She probably isn't capable of it. It's not her fault as such, it's just the way things are.

muggart · 08/03/2025 16:30

I can see why he was upset with you when you inserted yourself into your parents marriage but to cut you off over it then demand you look after him when he gets ill is a bit rich!

I would just accept this relationship has run its course, sadly.

TinyMouseTheatre · 08/03/2025 19:41

of course we still love them and could never abandon them if they became ill, but we’d like to believe that we would be met with love, instead of guilt and obligation

I'm really sorry but it sounds as though your "D"F isn't capable of the kind of relationship that you want. I woukd think very carefully before providing care for a Narcissistic bully Flowers

thepariscrimefiles · 14/03/2025 06:06

Affair or not, what kind of parent tries to bully their children into agreeing to provide them with care when they become old or ill?

He sounds like a selfish twat and terrible father. Your mum is a fool for taking him back. I'd back away from the pair of them.

shelle07 · 16/03/2025 06:22

Thank you everyone. I really needed to hear this.

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