F24 living at home. Curfews

[sofiaparker]

I'm F24 living at home and completing my higher education. I work part time but it's not enough to live on my own. My parents would rather I stay with them too and focus on achieving good grades. After my exams in the summer I wish to celebrate my birthday with a night out with friend and clubbing. I've expressed this to parents and they refused to allow it. How can I stand my ground. I usually don't go out much or like nights out to be honest but want to do it just for my 25th to make it extra special. In my experience there aren't any lively bars playing my type of music functioning during day time. But yeah I overall feel suffocated although there are many perks too of living at home. I feel like I need a bit of breathing space and currently unable to create it as I have a year of study left.

Any advice would be helpful. Thanks

9pm at 24 is unusual to say the least (and I’m from a culture that moves out super late).

I've stayed overnight very rarely ...maybe when they were away or on a supervised residential trip. Not really otherwise. And they always force me to go on holidays with them. Never leave me home alone.

Just...go. Or book a hotel. You are allowed. There is nothing they can do to stop you. I presume they won't kick you out for disobeying them? Don't ask. Just say 'Im going out this weekend. I'll see you on...'

It's reasonable to not want you rolling up at 6am singing and vomiting, but it's not reasonable of them to expect an adult to adhere to a curfew.

If you've made bad choices in the past they may be worried but you are now a grown up.

Make plans to go out with friends and tell your parents that you will be staying over. Explain You are telling them because you don't want them to worry that you haven't come home.

Don't ask permission! Just explain once calmly. Do it next week, don't argue about something you are planning for the summer

If you are 24 then this really isn't normal or healthy.

I don't really know what adults call em. Enlighten me as I've never been on one!

Starting to suspect this post isn’t entirely legit!

This is so far from normal that it's concerning.
I was a late bloomer with quite overprotective parents. The 'rules' under which you live would be oppressively over the top if you were a decade younger and still a child.

You are literally wasting your 20's not even able to go out and see friends, go to the cinema in the evening, date.

I've read your other posts, where your mum wouldn't let you get a part time job, your dad supervises your uni work etc. If it were a partner treating you like this, I'd be said it was a controlling and abusive relationship.

You love your parents, and perhaps they don't realise how inappropriate their behaviour is, but you need to get out, get some independence and work on developing a more adult relationship with decent boundaries.

Probably time to move out. At 24 and suffocated like this.
Your 20s fly by. Don't waste your youth like this. Have all the late nights and fun that you want.

Thanks to everyone who has been very assertive with their helpful advice (the non condescending ones). I presume parents would just be a little upset. I shall still do what I plan and assertively stand my ground.

And as for some other posters, it really isn't helpful to make condescending remarks on someone who is probably already a little distraught and confused on what to do. You have no idea of the full story/background as I cannot write a whole novel on this platform. I appreciate you may find it odd, but that shouldn't warrant any condescending remarks. But I guess that is the risk of opening up online..you get genuinely helpful responses as well as not so helpful and ridiculous ones from people who have got nothing better to be doing I guess.

But genuinely thanking helpful comments 🙏

Thank you. I appreciate this.

Thanks 💜 💜 💜

is your mother very anxious? She sounds very protective, which must be quite suffocating for you.

At your age you don’t need permission to do anything, but imagine you don’t want to cause conflict either. Why are you working part time? If you work full time perhaps you could afford to move out?

i don’t think posters were intending to be condescending, but the demographic of most posters on Mumsnet are majority women older than you with a life experience to observe that what you describe is pretty unusual. And who may be parents of 24yo sons and daughters! I’ve an 18yo finishing school who has more liberty than you, and part of having your children grow into adults is cutting the cord and letting them fly.

Your 20s is the time to enjoy huge amounts of freedom before you have huge responsibilities.

Thank you - I do understand this. I do hope to enforce some boundaries.

I have a chronic health condition and finishing uni so haven't got the time. I wanted to work more to save up but again parents recommended against it. And everyday coming home from work was like a battle at home. When they'd be arguing that I'm not focusing on my studies which did make sense too because I was never having the energy to perform my best.

This is not normal. You are an adult, and are entitled to life your life as you want to, while being a considerate house mate to your parents.

My DS is 20 I have no clue where he is most of the time, he's just competing a degree and then travelling.

Have your parents always been this bonkers??

I'd be telling them to absolutely do one, is it both of them?

I'd been living away from home 8 years by the age of 24. Staying over with mates since primary age. Going out every night and weekend with friends in nearby parks then bus to town centre when about 14.

I would later just send a text to say staying at so and so's house.

Young adults are children for longer nowadays and less independent.

Your situation sounds suffocating. You are an adult. Yes whilst living in their house they have some rules but it may be a good time to set some boundaries of your own now. You've missed out on developing social skills, opportunities that other people younger than you have already had. I'm assuming you've never been to a club, not been away for a weekend with friends. Why won't they let you stay in the house on your own?

Not to be rude but do you need support from them with additional needs?
Did you make unwise decisions when you were younger? They seem very over protective, it's not healthy

I’d also be curious to know if you have siblings. If you’ve ever had a boyfriend/girlfriend. Ever had a hangover! Ever booked a holiday with friends. Etc. I’m sorry to hear you’ve a health condition, and understand this may have contributed. It’s nice your dad is interested in your studies, but there’s a difference between supervising your homework, and discussing over dinner. Have your friends much more freedom? I’m also curious as to whether your cultural background is one that is very traditional or patriarchal.

You're a fully grown adult, you can go wherever you want, whenever you want.

This doesn't sound like a healthy relationship unless you have some serious capacity issues that mean you can't make your own decisions.

Is there a massive backstory that explains your parents' behaviour? I understand you have a chronic health condition but this still seems controlling and way over the top

My 25 year old moved back home last year, and has no curfews. She’s can stay out all night if she wants to. Sometimes I find it quite rude that she goes off to work without saying goodbye (when I’m downstairs, if I’m still in bed, leave me be!) but she’s quite daydreamy, I don’t think she means to be rude.

I think you need to have a calm word with your parents. What were they doing at this age? My mum was married with three children at 25! It’s time they let you have some freedom

What is your background?

Because this level of control is not usual in this country

This level of control will be severely hindering your normal development. My 11 year old has more freedom. Sorry to say, as it's normal to you, so you won't have considered it as such, but it's abusive. The pp who said Stockholm Syndrome is correct. You really need to assert yourself and, ideally, move out asap.

I sympathise OP, as my mother was like this. I got the silent treatment if I dared stay out after 11pm and so I started staying with a friend when I went out which resulted in sulks lasting a few days.
Could you invent some kind of course or training that would mean you had to stay overnight? Then you and your friend could book a hotel for the night. (A hotel which handily had very poor phone reception).