Hello,
This is likely far above the MN pay grade but would like some advice on how I can help my DS because I'm at a loss to be honest.
To cut a long story short, he's highly intelligent but has always been highly anxious and sensitive. In primary school he was well-behaved and high-achieving but often reluctant to attend school. By the time he started secondary school he began with school refusal. By 12 he was very disruptive in school and suspended or in isolation most of the time. By 15 he was no longer attending school at all. By the time 2016 rolled around, when he should have been completing his GCSEs, he was at home all day doing nothing and had no qualifications. CAMHS were useless and discharged him within months because he refused to speak to them. At home he was a nightmare- would often run away and refuse to get in touch with us, aggressive episodes, self-harm. We eventually convinced him the following year to sit two GCSEs that we paid for privately which he did and he passed them. He then went to sixth form to study A-Levels and did exceptionally well with top grades although he continued being highly anxious and very, very isolated. We thought we had turned a corner with him especially when he began a degree at university although he lived at home.
Since graduating from university, however, things have gotten much worse with him. He has not been able to hold down any job he has had so far. The longest job he had lasted ten months, the shortest four weeks. The ten month job was a L2 apprenticeship and they took on multiple apprentices including 16 year olds. DS was the only one they didn't keep on because they said he didn't fit in with the team, seemed withdrawn and reluctant to do things and lacked initiative.
He now lives alone in his own flat. He moved out last year with some support from us as we were struggling to manage him at home and we felt he may be better with his own space- there were lots of arguments over him not doing stuff in the house, not looking after his room etc. Since then he has had three jobs so far, all below his qualifications but he still can't hold them down. His flat is a mess- we visit him once a fortnight and he often hasn't done laundry properly, hasn't done dishes or put the bins out etc. He has no friends and no real connections, only leaves the flat to go to work. When he is off work he stays inside the flat until it is time to go back to work again whether that be for a weekend, a week or even a fortnight. Gets things like his shopping delivered. He used to have friends but he ends up cutting contact with them and ghosting them. He's been on dates with young women that he claimed went well but he'll then ghost them. We ask him why and he says he doesn't know but he just panics. He used to enjoy running and going on hikes. He doesn't do that anymore. Says he thinks about doing it but gets stressed when it's time for him to do it. He'll make plans to do something or go somewhere and then stay in bed and not actually do it. Struggles with speaking with people and if a stranger speaks to him he'll sometimes panic and be unable to speak to them. One of his neighbours when I was went around last time asked me if he was deaf. I told them he wasn't and asked them why they thought that. They'd tried to speak to him but he pointed to his ear and pretended he was deaf to avoid speaking to them. He doesn't speak to anyone apart from colleagues at work and us when we visit. We try ringing him but he sometimes doesn't answer the phone. Can't manage his finances at all and has debt from various credit cards. We ask him what he has spent it on and he says "I don't know."
We convinced him to see the GP who thinks he is autistic and ADHD and has referred him for assessment but they have said there is nothing they can do in the meantime. We told him to apply for PIP but each time he's tried ringing them he's panicked and hung up the phone as soon as they speak so he's decided he's not doing that. He keeps telling us that he doesn't feel depressed but he 'doesn't feel like himself' and has no interest in anything anymore and that the world doesn't feel real or important to him anymore. He's always loved animals so we tried getting him a kitten to look after. We checked with him first to make sure he wanted one and he said he did. He loves her and takes care of her in terms of feeding her and petting her but he doesn't really interact with her by playing with her or anything. Yet when he was younger we had rabbits and he was always so engaged with them and begged us for a cat.
He's always been different but he seems to be getting more eccentric as he gets older and seems almost disconnected from everything in a way. He went back to the GP but I'm not sure what he's telling them as he came out with them just confirming that he's on the waiting list and giving him a list of websites to help him in the meantime.
I just don't know what to do to help him in the meantime or where he could go for more support and I'm very concerned about his future. My DH thinks I'm being over dramatic and he's just a young adult trying to find his way and will be fine once he finds his niche. Is he right? I'm just so worried :(