Can't stand the thought of another inappropriate partner

[MyOtherCarIsAPorsche]

Sorry - epic tale here.

My DD is 31 and a single mother to three ND children.

Her partner at the time she was expecting her first child, kicked her down the stairs and out of the house that she was paying for when she was 20 weeks pregnant. My daughter had a large overdraft, whilst he had accumulated a very considerable amount of money as he had persuaded her to use her salary for the bills whilst he kept saving for 'luxuries'.

Her next partner contributed a paltry monthly sum to the household all the time he lived there - I didn't know the amount until he had gone. He left her with an additional two children. We found out that he was a fantasist, convicted arsonist and regularly used sex workers.

DD has been on her own in her 4 bedroom house (with mortgage) for just over three years. None of her children have asked about their fathers - neither of the fathers pay anything towards their upkeep or see them.

A couple of weeks ago my DD told me that she was seeing someone (this is during the day when her children are in school). They meet at an out of town outlet centre. I realised she only probably told me because she wants to take the relationship further and see him on evenings. She probably wants me to babysit. I've not been asked yet because my other, younger DD's daughter has been in hospital for a couple of weeks and I've been visiting every day that I can. This week my older DD's youngest is in hospital for the week. So when things settle down I'm expecting DD to ask if I can have the children at night/overnight so she can see this new 'chap'.

I know his name and where he is from. I asked a friend who lives near by if she knows of him and she did. She said to tell DD to steer clear. Apparently he plays computer games all day and night, doesn't have a job, has lots of children he doesn't support, and lives in an HMO. He has told my daughter that he is a wrestling promoter

My DD is autistic and gullible. She believes everything anyone tells her. She appears to attract 'bad uns' for want of a better expression. She throws herself at anyone who pays her the slightest bit of attention. The bigger problem is that contraception does not work for her - she has been pregnant on contraception three times (injection, implant).

I really do know how this will end (pregnant and on her own) and I want to tell her that I will in no way help her to take this relationship to the next level. But if I do that, I know she will look at me in disbelief, she will burst into tears, and say something like 'don't you want me to have a life and be happy', which of course I do, but not with another 'waste of space'.

I will in no circumstance facilitate this situation.

How can I tell her that without falling out with her? I know she will cut me out if I refuse to help. I look after both my DD's children so they can work. I know my DD will cut her nose off to spite her face and end up in a mess. How can I prevent potential damage to our close relationship? I want to prevent her from being hurt again by another low life man.

I would tell her you can't keep on looking after children she keeps on having enough is enough

If you can get some time alone with your daughter I would sit down with her and ask her to make a list of what she is looking for in a partner.

Have your input into this list so if she says "caring" talk about what would show a man is caring - like seeing his children regularly and paying maintenance.

Ask what situation her ideal partner would be in and she might perhaps say to have a job/have a car - you could talk about how these things would make a difference to her quality of life.

Basically see if you can get her to think about her ideal man and see herself that a man that plays computer day and night is not what she needs.

...edit and I'm not trying to be rude to her when I say condoms. If hormonal contraception doesn't work for her she needs to use condoms.

Has she ever been to therapy to work out why she keeps getting herself in these situations? Does she see the relationships for what they were?

I would just be honest. I have a cousin in a similar situation and it wasn’t fair on my uncles. She did stop after baby #3 though.

That was a triggering read. I'm autistic and choose shit men. My mother would talk about me how you talk about your dd. For me was just desperate for some love and attention that was never forthcoming from my mother.

If you want to help her give her some attention she is craving. Build a close enough relationship with her that raising concerns about red flags in a new partner isn't this huge thing.

If she's always chosen men like this it's because of her childhood learning about relationships. That might not be your fault but you should acknowledge you could have given focusEd support on relationships especially when you knew she's autistic and likely to struggle. I'm projecting here but I've got the images that you were too 'poor me I have a Sen child life is so hard' and did not give her the attention she needed instead left her to work it out for herself

If she has three kids already and issues with contraception could you encourage her to think about getting sterilised? That doesn't change the issue of another dodgy bloke coming into your existing grandkids lives but it's one less thing for her to worry about.

Regarding her relationship with men please, please try and get her to sign up to the freedom programme.

She'd really benefit from the Freedom Programme, therapy and books on self esteem. I'd also help her learn about red flags.

1. The copper coil exists.

1. It sounds like she needs serious therapy. Could you afford it?

Would she be open to designing a "pick a good man" strategy? Like things she needs to tick off in the first month or so of dating, and if he doesn't tick the boxes he gets ditched?
Things might be...
Finding out if he is involved in the lives of any children he has and is paying maintenance.
Finding out (evidence) that he has a job.
Doing a request for any previous history of abuse (Sarah's law or something like that)?
Not catching him out in a single lie.
Not speaking unkindly about other people.
Not being rude to people.
Not shouting when stressed.

You get the gist. But it will only work if she lets you help her with it.

You sound really stressed and worried

But I think PP have some good ideas about how to approach it.

I think she needs some kind of counselling/ therapy tbh.

A wrestling promoter would have some sort of internet presence and website.
He sounds like one if those dead beat men that target single, struggling mums. I have seen it so often but all you can do is stay close to her, I guess the more you critice him the more she will want him.
I would make it clear that I would not facilitate the relationship.

Does she know it's possible to have a relationship without living together. Point out that if a man is unemployed he's a waste of space. She needs to insist on condoms, sterilisation would be good but she doesn't know how many sexual partners this man has had with syphilis, Chlamydia,HIV.

Go to the police and ask for a check on this man if the relationship goes further . Police are very aware of cocklodgers and abusers who target single mums with their own homes .

The Freedom Programme is a good one to do for any woman who keeps ending up in bad relationships. Considering her disability it might be worth doing it with her so you can discuss and clarify anything she doesn't fully understand. This would tie in with pp who said discuss what kind of man she's looking for.

What has her GP suggested since her implant hasn't worked three times? Would she consider getting her tubes tied now she has three children (or does she want more?). Otherwise she needs to use condoms every single time. Make it plain you won't look after another baby as her three and your other DDs children are all you can cope with.

Edit - looks like i forgot to refresh the page before posting as I seem to have repeated other pp

She needs to be forgetting about men and focusing on her children and on growing up a bit.
Not your fault OP. You sound like a great support.

@Burntt

I am genuinely sorry that you have been triggered by this post.

I am very close to my daughter - we speak every day and see each other 4-5 days a week. I raised red flags with her immediately when she told me and she became upset and defensive.

Perhaps I have given the wrong impression of my daughter. She is trusting and gullible but she is a popular and completely independent young woman. She is the best mum - she is patient beyond explanation and she has three of the happiest children I've known. They are almost always smiling, happy and content. They are always bubbling with excitement because of the plans she makes to entertain them - they always have something to look forwards to. She has developed great routines with them which they need to feel secure. She makes sure that their homework is done and she reads books with them each evening. She works, she manages finances well - she saves hard for holidays and Christmas. She takes the children out on her own to fantastic places and they attend various clubs. She fights hard to make sure they are receiving the help they need. Her house is immaculate. She is a talented crafter and makes exquisite clothes for her children (which everyone asks her to replicate for their children) crocheted toys, knitted sweaters - she's a very practical person and always busy.

I have always told (all my children) how proud I am and how much they are loved throughout their existence. I never had this as a child but I understand that neither of my parents were told that they were loved and neither were demonstrative with touch, so I probably over compensated because I knew that I wanted different for my children. I was a SENCo for years during my teaching career and I have never felt 'poor me' or 'poor you' with regard to any type of additional needs. I have six grandchildren, two with diagnosed autism and four with suspected autism. I am probably autistic - my parents probably were.

I have theories as to why my daughter ends up with the dreg ends of society. Right now, I know she will end up being very hurt again. The problem is, she can't see the current outcome or history repeating itself. She is very black and white in her thinking as you will appreciate. Everything is fantastic until it is a disaster and she is in a 'fantastic phase' at the moment. She will not discuss the issue further as she's convinced she deserves this and she's doing nothing wrong.

I childmind for all my grandchildren equally - not just for her children so there are days that I am unavailable to her.

I do not want to help her as far as making it easy for her to see this person goes. She will hate it if I say I will absolutely not have the DGC whilst she is seeing him. I know she will stubbornly dig her heels in and see him anyway. I am not prepared to be friendly with this person she has chosen to date because a good friend/colleague has told me all about his character. I am concerned that this will force her to introduce him to her children imminently which is unthinkable. The only partner that we liked was when she was 18 and he went off to university and she subsequently met disasters one and two.

I feel that whatever I do is wrong and whatever I don't do is wrong. It's unbearable to watch it all unfolding.

I do want her to be happy. I do want her to have a close relationship - but not with this waster.

I do not know what to do next. She's in hospital with her youngest whilst I have the older two and she knows that I'm disappointed in her choice.

I'm the bad person because I won't condone her choice.

Contraception such as the Mirena lasts 8 years or the copper coil - 10 years.
Sterilisation another option

@Burntt the issue is that at some point in life, it becomes your responsibility, not your parents’. There’s only so much we can pin on them and even if OP did everything you say (which apparently she does), she can’t provide what a romantic relationship provides.

Getting extra attention from mother won’t solve the fact that she’s an adult who wants a romantic and sexual relationship. I get that it was triggering to you but there’s a lot of assumptions on OP’s abilities as a parent.