How best to help adult daughter, possible ADHD

[Scandinoirfan]

Dd is 30, single mum to a toddler, living in her own home but very near to me and OH.
It's becoming evident that she ticks all the boxes for inattentive ADHD, and has done so really since childhood but it's only with hindsight that we have realised this. At the moment she's not interested in seeking a diagnosis but she believes it would explain many of her problems.
She is really struggling with working, running a home, admin for herself and her child eg making and keeping appointments, organising finances, keeping track of her phone/keys/bank cards - it all quickly gets overwhelming and she just grinds to a halt. We're struggling with how we can best help her with this. We do some things for her eg take a load of laundry, look after toddler often partly as childcare for work but also to give her a bit of breathing space now and again, sometimes remind her to follow up things, loan money occasionally but it's hard to know whether doing things 'for' her isn't the right way to go. We dont begrudge any of it and she is always appreciative but we're very aware that we won't be around forever. I think what we're looking for are ideas of what else could be helpful for her to cope better with the day to day.
She's a lovely engaged mum, has a fantastic loyal group of longstanding friends and seems to be well thought of in work, so some parts of her life are very positive.
Any suggestions, either from older parents like us, or younger mums with ADHD, very welcome.

Are you sure she has ADHD and that these aren’t just normal single parent struggles?

I became a single parent in my early 20s and even though I’m organised to a fault even I got overwhelmed with so many things to look after on your own.

I've got two ADHDers but neither have reached the stage of having DC yet.

Has she said why she's not interested in seeking a diagnosis? If she's struggling then medication might help?

@Aftergloww , no, none of us are sure she has ADHD but it all fits. Her friends, who have known her for the best part of 20 years, were probably the first to raise this as a possibility. I have another daughter, also a single parent, so I know the particular difficulties of that situation, being the only responsible adult with all that entails. It's hard and overwhelming at times but there is another layer to Dds situation which was there long before she became a parent.
@TinyMouseTheatre , it's only very recently that we've all started to think about this as a possibility. She is on anti depressant medication which has helped a lot with her mood but I know that medication specifically for ADHD is different. I think she's just not ready to address this yet, and of course, it's another task to do!

I think she's just not ready to address this yet, and of course, it's another task to do!

Yeah I know. It's almost as if the entire diagnostic process for ADHD has been designed to make the process the most difficult for anyone who might have it.

After being referred it took DC1 12 months to fill the forms in when they'd been referred and that was with lots of support from us to help them get it done.

i believe if you look at websites that help your ability to function it will probably help a lot more

Glad you’ve mentioned this. My dd(16) is currently going through the assessment process and the amounts of emails I’ve received is overwhelming- I recognise a lot in my dds behaviour so perhaps I’m ADHD but I have forwarded it all to my dh as I just ground to a halt and felt completely overwhelmed by all the forms/emails/things to do

I think that if your daughter genuinely thinks she has ADHD then she is doing her children a huge disservice by not seeking an assessment and, if diagnosed, medication. It can be transformative.

I totally get that @Tiuriwiththewhiteshield

Once tge DC have had theor diagnosis and we’ve got through get prescriptions, I’ve finally been diagnosed myself although I can’t seem to get myself past the hurdles for medication.

I have inattentive ADHD diagnosed late 30s. I can give you suggestions for the things that I've done that have helped but involves throwing money at it.

I have Tiles on my front door keys, car keys, work lanyard, and thinking of getting one for my wallet. They aren't cheap but there's other ones available. Tiles are great as you can use an app to find them. The Tile can ring your mobile, or your mobile can ring the Tile / locate the Tile on the app.

Keeping track of phone - I've trained myself out of this but you could consider a cross body phone case. Here's an example:

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Crossbody-Silicone-Adjustable-Shockproof-Protective-Dark-Green/dp/B0DSL9BQ7G/ref=asc_df_B0DSL9BQ7G?mcid=d9b8335e5a04346f8a5874df9ba785e3&hvocijid=62993755970938772-B0DSL9BQ7G-&hvexpln=74&tag=googshopuk-21&linkCode=df0&hvadid=696285193871&hvpos=&hvnetw=g&hvrand=62993755970938772&hvpone=&hvptwo=&hvqmt=&hvdev=m&hvdvcmdl=&hvlocint=&hvlocphy=9190959&hvtargid=pla-2281435176658&psc=1&gad_source=1

Bank Cards - shouldn't be an issue with tech like Google Wallet. Does she have a small purse for physical cards? As carrying a solo card is very easy to lose.

Wall Calendar for appointments - you could print one from a photo company made of family photos

Organising finances - someone to help make a budget on a spreadsheet and set up automated payments out of one account into a separate bills account.

Chores - you can get chore charts on Etsy. Declutter often and have storage for everything.

I also have Alexa Dots - I actually have three now (one in each room). Great for reminders.

Body doubling helps - having someone there helping set up the environment for success, helping them find a way to modify the task so it becomes more palatable or simply being there while they do the admin task they have long been putting off.

If you have the money to do so, I think the most helpful thing to do by far would be to offer to cover the cost of private assessment and titration for medication, especially if this can be taken over by the NHS after this period. This just means that at whatever point she's ready to look into this she doesn't then have to wait for several years.

I was absolutely flipping drowning as a young single parent with undiagnosed ADHD and I had no idea what it was I was struggling with until years later. The things that have consistently been the most helpful have actually just been unconditional love and support from my own family and DH.

I don't think it causes a problem for you to help her out with things. The problem is that untreated ADHD tends to lead to effects in the environment which compound on top of each other and make everything even harder. Just as a minor example, a backlog of laundry making it hard to find clean clothes so you buy more clothes but then end up with piles of dirty clothes everywhere which makes the laundry feel even more overwhelming. Except as you probably know this doesn't just happen with laundry, it happens with almost everything.

Without targeted, concentrated effort on one area at a time, small amounts of help with any one area of life (e.g. laundry or finances or diet) are really just like scooping water out of a leaky boat but not actually mending the hole. And even if you do manage to fix one hole, the problem is that the executive dysfunction part of ADHD means that the boat itself is flimsy and develops holes constantly. So it's very difficult to fix any of the holes because at any given time a lot of the boat is underwater. You can't glue things or use electric tools underwater, so the fix is unlikely to be very reliable.

ADHD medication and understanding yourself and working with the ADHD brain is like strengthening the boat so it doesn't leak as easily. When you start medication your boat might still be full of water so you still have to scoop it all out. But at least no new holes should be forming, or not as easily, and the water should stay out so it should be easier to fix any leaks as they happen.