Help, need advice about DD BF ?

[SpecialPerson]

Hi All, so here goes...
Just for reference my daughter (DD) 19yrs and her boyfriend (BF) 22 yrs, have been together for about a year. When she went to Uni, we thought it would fizzle out but it hasn't. We just want her to be happy and want someone good enough for her like we all do for our children.

This is DD first proper boyfriend and she is loved up so can't see any thing wrong and no bad in him, always defending him and trying to make out he is better than he is. Where he is a lazy chap with no ambition to find a job and have a career. He is a cling on, this is not me being rude he is emotionally abusing her, he won't leave her alone and follows her around everywhere and even gets jealous when she spends time with her family and is constantly on the phone messaging her trying to get her to go to his and not stay at home with family.

She was a top student and since meeting him her grades started going downhill and did not do well at her exams as he was always on the scene and telling her it doesn't matter and lets go and do things.
She luckily managed to get into university which was what she really wanted to do and to be honest we thought the relationship would ease off, but it hasn't. As soon as DD comes back from uni to see family he is going on at her to see him and stay at his (he lives with his mum) and we just found out he is also going to her uni all the time he stays there once or twice a week (at night) as that is all the uni allows but he is there alot more than that in the day. It is a bit weird and worrying that it's affecting her uni work and being this is going to be a big debt after uni and going to get a good career, the last thing she needs is to throw it all away as her BF is distracting her. Her friends from uni have even said he is always hanging about he doesn't talk to them or make conversation or anything he just hangs around on his phone almost stalking her. But DD thinks it's just because he loves her and wants to be with her she has no idea but it really isn't normal.

You try and have a conversation with him and you can barely get anything out of him, he is constantly on his phone and may say hello and that's it really. He is so difficult, he leans into her and mumbles all the time but doesn't have an actual conversation and/or involve anyone else. DD also said he gets anxious and worries about things when she is not with him but when she is there he has someone to be with and takes his mind of things so she feels like she needs to be there for him as she is helping him!

My point is, this is not normal and I am so worried about DD and don't know what to do. My husband (her Dad) keeps saying we should speak to her, but I am worried this may make things worst, we have a good relationship with DD we always have done we are quite a close family and always there for her and she knows this. Saying something worries me it may upset her and the last thing we want is her running to him.

Anyone been in similar situation... Any advice... Do I just leave it or should we say something ?

I’ve been in this situation both as the DD and has the mother, although my DD has a lot more sense to spot these things than I did as a teen.

He’s trying to isolate her and this is premium atmosphere for abuse to develop. My ex used to constantly show up at my school, including during breaks between classes, I never had a moment to bond with friends. It’s because he knows she’ll see how much better off she is with that hanger on. I take it he doesn’t work, etc? That’s how he has all that free time.

I would talk to her but just once. And make sure to stress that you’re always there if it ever comes to the point that she doesn’t know how to cut him off.

Thank you. It is a worry and I will try and have a heart to heart with her. Just worried as being this is her first proper boyfriend/relationship and is loved up she can't see it but others around her are starting to and with saying something I am worried it will cause upset and the last thing I want is her feeling she can't talk to me and running into his arms. But when she is back from Uni I will try and carefully talk to her and of course make sure she knows I am always there for her no matter what.

No he doesn't work. My DD got him a job it was only a kitchen hand but it was a job and he only did it as it was at the restaurant DD was working at part time in the summer. But when she left for Uni, he was 'let go' but I found out (as a friend knew of the manager) that he wasn't sacked at all, he quit the day DD left for Uni. Hence he is now always around.

My advice is keep him VERY close. Invite him round, include him, talk to him, be OTT nice to him. Your daughter will be pleased, you're including him as part of the family. Help him with his CV, ask him about his life plans, talk to him about savings for a house, how he feels about children - all the things that he'll 'need to be thinking about' from this relationship. If he's mumbling that's a way to get out of talking to you - turn the TV off focus on him, really work at having a conversation with him. He will loathe it! It might all become a little bit like hard work for him and he'll be off like a shot.

Some of these questions were asked at the beginning of there relationship and we do welcome him and have also invited them out for meals etc and directly asking him things out right he says the odd word the rest is mumbles or he doesn't answer. He will avoid it like he did last week we were all out and my husband asked him some questions trying to make a conversation with him but nope he basically ignored him and went back on his phone. He is really ignorant. We have tried and tried to make an effort for the sakes of DD but just can't get anything out of him - I have no idea what my DD see's in him, they don't seem to have hardly anything in common. But as another poster said she has nothing to compare him too so I don't feel she knows any different, so I need to say something but just very awkward. She always defends him and tries making out he is better than what he is. Oh and when mentioned about career and house and his future he just shrugged his shoulders.

@SpecialPerson they probably have good sexual compatibility (I swear it’s always like this with losers!) and as she’s still very young she has nothing to compare him to.

Sorry, I know it’s TMI but sadly it’s usually what it is. It makes you have a much stronger attachment to that person that you wouldn’t have otherwise.

@Aftergloww Sadly I feel this is maybe the case.

@everyone Thank you all. Just an update:

My daughter mentioned something about BF and I think she saw the look on mine and her Dads face and she then said do you not like him!!! So this made me have the 'talk' I said nothing against him personally but feel you can do better and she was totally shocked and so I then explained a few things and our worries. But also clearly stated we were there for her no matter what and she could talk to me about anything etc. So hopefully she gets the idea but if it actually does anything I highly doubt it but at least she knows our thoughts. EEk!

@SpecialPerson I think you handled it perfectly, that’s the best you can do for now.