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Parents of adult children

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Original poster

Don't want my grown up brother to meet new-born when parents do

13 replies

OneMellowNewt · 03/02/2025 17:40

Hi all,

I am a bit stuck on how to handle a situation, and not sure if I am just making a big fuss over nothing and looking for help!

I am currently 35 weeks pregnant with my first baby (a boy!) and so excited! We are starting to think about who will meet our little one in the first few days/weeks and we have decided it will just be our parents and grown up siblings to begin with. My partner has one sister who has kids and he is close with her, she lives near by and so does his parents.

However, there is a bit of complication on my side of the family. My brother, who is 32 lives at home (about 2 hours drive from me) with my parents and is basically still a child. He doesn't drive, help around the house, work or really do anything an adult would. He did have a wife just after uni but they are now divorced and his wife and child live abroad (I think as a result of having to live with my parents!) and he has basically no contact - not that I really think it bothers him.

My issue is that I know he and my parents will assume he is invited to meet the baby along with my parents and I just don't want to be around him so soon after giving birth. I know he will comment on my appearance, the babies appearance, my skills as a mother etc. He has said a few horrible things throughout the pregnancy including that the babygrows I have bought are rubbish and that he is annoyed we are not naming the baby after him (LOL).

I know if I explicitly tell my parents not to bring him it will just be a huge headache for me and I will never hear the end of it - so what do I do? How do I ask my parents to do the 2 hour drive to see me and the baby but ensure they don't bring my older brother, but without explicitly saying so?

I just don't want any drama, but also want to protect my new-born bubble!

HELP

OP posts:
Mrsttcno1 · 03/02/2025 17:48

There isn’t a way other than to just explicitly say it, take the fall out now rather than when you are in the exhausted chaos of newborn life.

My baby is 9 months old now but we did this, BIL lived with PIL and for various reasons we didn’t want him arriving when they came to meet our baby. We were just open with them about it beforehand, we had good reasons which we fully explained, PIL understood (after some back and forth) and came alone. There was a bit of drama but I’m glad I dealt with that while pregnant rather than waiting until I was freshly postpartum with all the struggles that brings, I know I wouldn’t have been capable of having those conversations with a newborn.

Original poster
OneMellowNewt · 03/02/2025 17:50

Mrsttcno1 · 03/02/2025 17:48

There isn’t a way other than to just explicitly say it, take the fall out now rather than when you are in the exhausted chaos of newborn life.

My baby is 9 months old now but we did this, BIL lived with PIL and for various reasons we didn’t want him arriving when they came to meet our baby. We were just open with them about it beforehand, we had good reasons which we fully explained, PIL understood (after some back and forth) and came alone. There was a bit of drama but I’m glad I dealt with that while pregnant rather than waiting until I was freshly postpartum with all the struggles that brings, I know I wouldn’t have been capable of having those conversations with a newborn.

Thank you, you know I hadn't even considered saying something now... How did you word it? I worry that whenever I call or go to visit he is always just right there so hears every word...

OP posts:
Mrsttcno1 · 03/02/2025 17:55

OneMellowNewt · 03/02/2025 17:50

Thank you, you know I hadn't even considered saying something now... How did you word it? I worry that whenever I call or go to visit he is always just right there so hears every word...

Show quote history

We spoke to them before the birth as they had been asking about when we thought we’d be happy to have visitors etc so we just told them then that assuming everything was okay with birth/me/baby they were welcome to come meet their grandchild once we were home from the hospital but that BIL wasn’t welcome. In our case it’s because BIL is an addict, at the time he had been in and out of hospital, picked up by police multiple times throughout my pregnancy, we were very clear that he was not welcome in our home especially when I would be recovering and we had a newborn. PIL did push back a bit and made their arguments about “but meeting baby could put things into perspective for him/help him” and we stood firm that it was an absolute no. They really couldn’t argue with our reasons and when baby did arrive and they came it was no issue and never mentioned.

goingdownfighting · 03/02/2025 17:59

Maybe issue a clarification - 'In the early days we'll just keep it you 2 and you can bring DB along when I'm up to it.

Then text your DB: 'hi mate just to let you know we're keeping visits to just mum and dad in the first few weeks to keep things simple. I'll let you know when I'm up to more visitors all at the same time depending on how baby is doing.

crockofshite · 03/02/2025 18:12

Please don't bring brother with you. His constant personal comments drain me and I don't want to deal with him .

Anyway as he's not interested in his own child why would he be bothered with mine? Best he stays away.

MyFlightWasAwfulThanksForAsking · 03/02/2025 18:15

I don't know if this applies, but if your brother works and your parents are retired then just invite them at a time he wouldn't be able to come.

therattlebag23 · 03/02/2025 18:39

@goingdownfighting 's suggestion is clear and tactful, I'd go with that.

Rhaidimiddim · 03/02/2025 18:48

crockofshite · 03/02/2025 18:12

Please don't bring brother with you. His constant personal comments drain me and I don't want to deal with him .

Anyway as he's not interested in his own child why would he be bothered with mine? Best he stays away.

I agree withnthis, the straight approach.

You also need to think about setting expectations for the future, OP, and making it clear you don't (necessarily) watch your brother around every time you see them.

HeddaGarbled · 03/02/2025 19:24

This is what I would do: I wouldn’t stop him coming - that’s just creating unnecessary drama; if he said anything rude at all, I’d say “oh, piss off” with a smile.

You’ll have your baby, your parents are going to be thrilled to bits - there is nothing he can say that can tarnish that if you don’t let it.

Maddy70 · 03/02/2025 19:43

You're being daft. His life choices are nothing to do with you. Of course he will come with your parents to meet your child. Why wouldn't he? You are being a massive diva about it why cause yourself and family extra stress?

Dawninglory · 03/02/2025 20:08

Not being a diva Op, just be honest and say you don't want him to come at first as you need to rest and don't need his negative attitude. They will probably understand tbh.

TinyMouseTheatre · 03/02/2025 22:34

goingdownfighting · 03/02/2025 17:59

Maybe issue a clarification - 'In the early days we'll just keep it you 2 and you can bring DB along when I'm up to it.

Then text your DB: 'hi mate just to let you know we're keeping visits to just mum and dad in the first few weeks to keep things simple. I'll let you know when I'm up to more visitors all at the same time depending on how baby is doing.

I do this. It's clear without causing any drama.

Apocketfilledwithposies · 16/07/2025 12:12

Just pull the plaster off now op. Your parents will just want to meet their new grandchild and they are invited, brother will just have to sulk. It sounds like it wouldn't be the end of the world if he decided he didn't want to talk to you!

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