Adult DD has developed huge victim complex

[ThisisnotwhatIhadplanned]

Over the past 5 years, DD has developed a huge "woe is me" complex. She has always been prone to this, but as she has got older it has got much worse.

She has never had to go without. We have always had secure, warm, safe housing. We have never had bailiffs at the door. She has always been able to do the extra curriculars that she wanted to, and has always been supported in her choices. She is currently living with me because she has fallen out with her uni housemate, mainly because of her attitude.

Everything is always harder for her than anyone else could ever possibly imagine. Her housemate's sister commited suicide and her boyfriend's mum is an alcoholic who is physically and emotionally abusive to her children. He hasn't gone home in 3 years so that he doesn't have to see her again. Just because they come from financially stable families it doesn't mean that their lives are perfect. However, DD is always going on and nauseum about how much harder life is for her than them because we don't own our house and had to use a food bank once. We are all fed up to the back teeth of it, and have all spoken to her about it, but don't know where to go from here. I organised counselling for her but she refused to go.

There does seem to be a lot more of this now, and I dont know where it comes from. I’m not sure if it’s entitlement or something else.

People who constantly complain are often depressed. Is she busy? If she was busy she'd have no time to complain.

Do you just sit there indulging her while she drones on? How about you ask her to change the record and if she carries on, she'll drive everyone away. She hasn't got any self awareness.

Does she have anyone else in her life who means a lot who is modelling this to her?
What are her specific complaints?

I read about this somewhere... obviously an interesting point but don't have any sources (I know MN loves those)

Kids nowadays grow up with instant access to information. They're bombarded with 10 second clips of everything that's bad in this world. They've lived seeing wars, pandemic, stories of abuse, they watch content with extreme views and on and on.

Older generations were somewhat shielded from this constant information, you didn't have a lots of live reporting, if something happened you'd need to wait for the next morning's newspaper etc. You are able to step outside of your house none the wiser and get on with your day. Right now, everybody is living with this impending sense of doom.

Kids are highly sensitive as they are still developing and all this constant bad news has an impact on the way that they behave sadly

Yeah I have one like that.

Detach and ignore, don't listen. Grey rock.

She's so negative

Hi, my 19 yr old has suffered with extreme anxiety for years, panic attacks every day, which she has received medication for in the past. As a child she was painfully shy. However recently it’s become really bad and I think she is suffering from a deep depression as well. So much so, she won’t wash or brush her teeth. I’ve tried the softly softly approach and the tough love approach but nothing is working. She’s miserable all of the time and I’m afraid she’s going to lose her friends (which is a small group). I can’t afford private counselling which I feel she desperately needs and the waiting list is so long in the nhs. Has anyone had any experience with this please? Any advice would be welcomed. Thank you

Hmm, well she’s still in late adolescence really so there’s every hope she’ll grow out of it.

It also sounds like she’s hanging around with people better off than you at uni, which can be a shock and take some adjusting to for your average self obsessed teen, and that’s fuelling The Tragedy of Her Life.

What I would do is either adopt grey rock or a combo of grey rock and taking the piss - you sound (understandably) quite offended, and making a joke of it might make you feel better.

I suspect she doesn’t need therapy so much as to get out and get on with her life, so I’d get her out of the house as soon as you can (making peace after rows with flatmates is part of growing up), and spend the money you would have spent on a counsellor on a cheap post uni ticket to Oz. That way she can get a working visa for a couple years, build some independence and resilience, and have some sunshine and fun - all of which should help her snap out of it.

Can you get her to the GP? I'd b be e worried too

Hi OP

Not sure she’s depressed- sounds more like she’s not taking responsibility!

Rather than Oz, how about VSO (Voluntary Service Overseas)? Seeing what real life challenges people have could adjust her mindset.

Or going back to her Junior school to listen to reading for a couple of hours a week?

It might dawn on her that everyone has difficulties along the way.

It definitely can be about taking responsibility. I had one dc who complained a lot about having it harder, but then got older and started to say on their own that they had previously been unreasonable. In particular they had complained about a sibling doing much better than them but once they realised the pattern for themselves there was no stopping them from succeeding for themself. So that was a good outcome.

In our case, It was part of a common pattern where people comfort themselves that they are a victim, in these type of circumstances, because they either don’t want to, or fear, succeeding for themselves.

I’m not certain what I’ve said that can be helpful to you. There might be something?

It's a personality. Lack of fighting for one's life, future and lack of vision