Am I being jealous?

[bethanyyyyy]

Hi everyone, I'm not a mum however I'm hoping someone with adult children would be able to offer me some advice.

I am in my 20's, live alone in a different city to all of my family & I am single. I have older siblings who're married and my parents are living together in the family home as all of us kids have now moved out.

My mum and dad are always going away together on little trips, as are my siblings with their partners. I miss living at home with my mum and dad so much, and they're aware of how difficult I'm finding life on my own. I can't help but feel upset when I hear they're going away together again. I don't want to be invited every single time but I just think once a year would mean the world to me. I have voiced this to my parents, but nothing has changed.

I don't know if this is a horrible surge of jealousy coming through, or if it's normal that I feel this way. I feel unwanted by anyone, everyone is in their couples going here there and everywhere, and then there's me - I feel forgotten about.

It's my birthday next month & my mum has just told me that my dad is taking her away in February to London. Every year when it's my birthday, my parents tell me how 'skint' they are and that they can't afford much for me. Which is totally fine, but I know this year is the same and instead of prioritising my birthday, they're spending their money on a trip to London.

As a parent, how would you go about this situation with an adult child feeling left out and lonely?

Am I right to feel this way or should I just be happy for them to be going away on all of these trips?

Obviously I'm so happy my parents have an amazing relationship, that means the world to me. I just feel so excluded from life and experiences as I haven't been invited anywhere by my family in years.

I don’t know you and how you are in the world. They might feel like they’ve paid their dues regard raising their kids. But, assuming you’re not a selfish nightmare of a daughter, if I was your parent, I’d try make more of a fuss of you on your bday.

So while I think it would be a stretch for them to take you away with them, I don’t think you seem unreasonable to want to be thought of.

But here, you’re not going to change them. Build your friends, your community and give/get the relationship you want there.

This has got the potential to fester so I’d brace yourself to talk to your parents.

Some people get into favouritism as an accident, some are thoughtless and some will think you don’t mind.

Make it clear - very, very calmly - that you’d like to be treated as one of the family too, what with being their DD.

I'm sorry you are feeling lonely, OP. It's hard sometimes when you are finding your feet as an adult. It can ber doubly so if you're in a new city and haven't established a big social circle.

I'm afraid your parents are probably at the point where they are enjoying being able to holiday as a couple at long last. After a couple of decades of catering to what the family wants, it is ever so nice to just please themselves on holiday after all these years. Family holidays do tend to come to an end when all the children have left home.

A holiday together every few years, if your siblings and their partners are agreeable, can be great. However, working around everyone's commitments and holiday allocation makes it hard going, not to mention the 'herding cats' element of getting everyone to agree.

A common thing to do at this stage of your life is to go on holiday with friends or a single person holiday. My DD books trips with her mates, DS went abroad with his uni flatmates. Is this something you can look at? DD also went to some hostels in Europe on her own, met loads of people and had a fantastic time.

Another possibilty is arranging to go away with your Mum to somewhere, maybe near her or your birthday - suggest it with options you've looked into an a budget you can afford? My Mum and I had some great short trips together.

@Supersimkin7 - I don't think the OPis being left our or 'not the favourite', I think she meant yer siblings each have partners to holiday with and her parents have each other, so as a single person she feels she doesn't have anyone who wants to holiday with her.

i have 4 adult children and would not dream of treating either of them differently….i am trying to prioritise MY life now spending time with hubby doing things we enjoy, my kids would still be running me ragged if they could but maybe your parents are trying to force you to be independent more and try not to rely on them as i know that’s how i feel… as i get older i don’t want it to come as a shock to them not having me around to ‘rely’ on i want them to know that i am always here for them but my child rearing days are over, your parents probably feel the same way … you should be doing the holidays with friends and out having fun not tagging along like a child

You need to focus on developing your own life now. Get socialising & building friendship groups. You shouldn’t be relying on your parents to take you away. I think it’s weird. Your parents are just enjoying their time together now everyone has left home, as they should.

You're not feeling jealous but I think you're probably feeling rejected. I can't imagine ever not seeing and spoiling my dd on her bday and she's almost 19.

If I were you I would feel upset as well.

I personally do think it’s strange but I think it’s relatively common. I have a coworker whose parents book holidays during Christmas, which is absolutely bizarre to me given that they know she’ll be home alone.

However considering your age, maybe they think you have plans? My DD is 20 and she has spent her birthday (and NYE) elsewhere for the past 4 years - I don’t even make plans including her anymore because she’s always had other plans since she was allowed to. I do always check about her birthday though, as it’s different.

Do they do any holidays with your other siblings? If they don’t do it with any of you,
it sounds like they’re just focused on enjoying their time as a couple.