Paying for some of daughter's travels

[Acecarad]

I wrote before about working UK in a stressful psychotherapy job in the NHS - CAMHS services, having moved from Ireland a few years ago. I am 59 and travel home every second weekend. There were no jobs other than nursing jobs at home and I couldn't take 12 hour shifts any more, as well as many of the city centre psychiatric units having quite a high level of violence. I am totally wrecked and go to bed each evening at 7 p.m. I also have an underactive thyroid - which though treated, means that I never recovered the same energy I had before I got it. I am also quite burnt out with my job and want to retire to a small cottage I inherited about 2 years ago - my son still lives in the family home.

The problem is: I am moving home next August. I will be having knee surgery - both knees and will be off for a year. I am worried how I will survive financially, particularly as there is a lot of ageism in Ireland. I keep telling my adult son and daughter this, they are 21 and 23 - son is in college, and daughter is travelling. However, they will suddenly just ask for money - my son wanted 1200 to do a Certified Financial Analyst course - he asked in December and wanted the money in Jan but luckily changed his mind as I didn't have that money. I took my son on holiday to the Thailand for Christmas where my daughter was staying and paid for all their meals out and our accommodation. My daughter finished college in October and saved up 10k for travelling. I paid for her flight out and for her to do a yoga course - total 2.6k. My daughter didn't work in Thailand but has now moved to Australia to work until June. However, she has asked me to pay for flights from Australia back to Thailand in May so she can go travelling with a friend from home, and then from Thailand to London, where she wants to start working and do a masters. She has also asked me for 1.2k as half of her first three months of student accommodation. I said no to the flights but that I would pay 1.2k towards her accommodation.

I would really welcome people's advice on the above - am I right to refuse my daughter this money? I have some savings, but I am keeping them for house repairs in the future, for car repairs, and for living expenses in case I am not able to get another job as well as to support me when I am off for a year due to surgery. I have no private pension but I will be able to get three quarters of the Irish State Pension and half of the UK pension as I worked here also before I had children and moved back home to Ireland. I don't mind helping my daughter with accommodation - she is taking out a student loan in UK for the fees - the masters is in Bermingham - but I can't be helping with all the other costs when I don't know if I will be working and I can't continue in the job I have as I am just so exhausted from doing it. I also can't just come up with money at the drop of a hat - if my daughter says I need money for flights in February - I can plan for that , but she just rang me up last Friday and wanted the money there and then. I would love to know what other people think is reasonable in this situation. Much appreciated!

Your children are now adults.

If your daughter wants to add 2 extra flights then she needs to earn the money to pay for them.

Do not put yourself in financial jeopardy.

Sit them down and let them know that these additional requests for money can't be fulfilled either now or in the future.

I think what is reasonable is that you explain that you have no private pension and the bank of Mum is now closed.

You'll still be there for them, just not financially.

Wow ... when DD was age 18-21 we helped pay for budget (RyanAir) flights to/from Uk to France or Greece, about £300. Partly because she kept bagging free accommodation & food so she'd done a lot to keep costs down. And it wasn't a hardship for us. No way I'd be coughing up large sums from small coffers on other side of planet. Fk me, I will spend money on my own jollies, ta.

They’re adults OP in their 20s. They should be paying for their own flights. Tell your daughter no. I’m surprised she asked but then if you’ve always just handed over the money I suppose she just expects it now.

Wow you've been very generous towards them and it sounds like they just expect it now. Say no.

This is madness. You shouldn't be paying for any of this. We are high earners and have high net worth. My daughter paid for a summer going around europe after graduation herself - all her babysitting/summer work earnings. She and we figured she was lucky she never had to hand any of it over for fees or keep. I wouldn't dream of paying for your daughter if she were mine - and I could easily afford it. And to be fair, none of my young adult children - who have a fair idea of our financial situation - would ask for it.

OP, you need to put yourself first - for a change.

Of course you need to say no, but if I was your son I'd be more than a little bit pissed off that you've given your daughter the best part of 4k...

If you can’t afford it, you can’t afford it.

My DD wanted a gap year and travelling after college but she funded 99% of it herself. You could argue that I helped by never charging board I suppose, but the travels themselves were funded by her. I paid the odd taxi here and there but that’s it.

I would love to have more money to support DD in her adventures or to help towards a deposit, but I’m not a property owner myself. Children nowadays can get carried away easily and expect unrealistic levels of help, you need to be truthful with them.

Yes, I agree with this. I’d also have been much more inclined to help out with the costs of a professional qualification rather than flights assuming I could only afford one thing.

I travelled a lot in my twenties. My mam never paid for a flight. You don't have to. I worked and saved for it myself.

No, they are taking you for granted. They shouldn't be starting courses or planning a long trip if they haven't got the money for it. Everyone knows that!

You're under no obligation to help adult kids. If you had the money, that's fine but you don't. Adults shouldn't be making plans, expecting someone else to fund them.

My parents always said they couldn't give us a lot so they helped by letting us stay with them rent-free (for limited periods such as study, between travel). They gave us small bits here and there (always offered rather than asked) and did contribute a little to our weddings (again they offered, I said no, they insisted).

Bank of mum and dad closed once they finished their undergrad, here, unless it’s something like them being unable to pay rent despite working full time.

They can live rent free at home, and we help out practically where we can. But if they choose not to work then they need to fund it themselves.

My mam paid for nothing after I left college.

She paid for nothing after first year of college.

She paid for my accommodation during my first year.

Then I saw how broke she was. I got a summer job and paid for all my rent during second and third year. I'm proud of that.

I'd never imagine asking my parents for money like that. They would have probably kept enough spare for an w emergency flight home if I needed it but nothing else. They certainly never went on a jolly like that. You need to tell your DD clearly that you have health issues and will not be paying out for any more of her travels (unless an emergency flight home). If you have the money I'd try and even things up for your DS, massively unfair to finance her swanning about and not pay for a professional qualification if the money is spare.

Thanks to all of you for all the replies. They have been very helpful. I feel so resentful that my daughter keeps suddenly asking for money and expecting to get it. I always said I would support them through college, which I did. They worked, but I kept the house going in Ireland, paid for all the bills, maintained it and paid their college fees - around 3k per year in Ireland - whilst working in the UK. I had said that after that bar a place to stay rent free, they were on their own if they wanted to study further.

Re my son - my son is not disadvantaged financially. My son worked in hotels and bars throughout college, coming home often in the early hours of the morning. I bought him a second hand car in first year when he started working there - 8k - as it wasn't safe coming home late at night from work - he had a knife pulled on him twice in the early hours of the morning. I offered to pay for driving lessons for my daughter and to put the car in both their names, but she has never wanted to learn to drive, but my son drivers her where ever she wanted to go or picked her up late in the evening if needed. My daughter though has had other things including a year at school in France at 16 - it's a gap or transition year in Ireland before completing secondary school, which was very expensive and which she completely wanted to do. She is a fluent French speaker now. This was hard going as I have been a single parent since they were 18 months and 3.

This month I have paid have the repair costs for the car, the towing fee and given my son a 100.00 for food, as he said he was broke. I don't mind helping my son out like this until he finishes college - undergrad - though I do mind that he has not put anything aside for the car repairs and literally partied and drank away all the extra money he earned last summer - he used to get almost his salary again in tips. My son expected me to pay the whole repair cost but I didn't do so, and reminded him that he needed to put away his tips over this next summer for car repairs in his final year in college.

If they want to do further study - they can stay in the house free - but will need to take out loans for fees - but they always, particularly my daughter, are always trying to push for more money and financial assistance. I am just exhausted from full time work in a stressful job and my health is deteriorating. I want to just be able to work part-time if I can get a job in Ireland after my surgery,

If you've always coughed up everytime they ask for money why wouldn't they continue to ask for it? You've set the precedent, now you may have told them things are tighter but realistically they don't know what that means until you start saying 'No'.

Unfortunately neither of them seem to have a great work ethic, but your daughter’s approach to life is particularly ‘relaxed’. She sounds as if she needs a little more contact with real life. Once you get beyond the initial challenges of adapting to a different place there is nothing inherently virtuous about travel and frankly it sounds as if she has travelled enough!

I think she needs to work to save up a bit more in Australia if she wants to extend her travels. But she really should come home by May/June and get in a good summer of work to raise funds before starting her masters degree. She would probably learn as much from working in a shop or restaurant in your home city as she would from further travel in South East Asia.

Paying for the CFA qualification for your son probably would have been a good plan and it feels like, if anything, he is the one that needs your financial or practical support.

How in earth have you managed to pay for their luxury lifestyle on your income whilst running 2 households?
You're 59, they're adults. Tell them theres no more money left so don't come asking for a handout. But it’s right - they expect the hand outs because you’ve given them handouts all their adult life.

Don't be cross at her.
You've raised her to expect this so it is normal to try her luck. She won't be alone in being spoiled, many young people seem to be overly reliant on their parents this generation.
You need to have a very honest conversation with her and say from now on you won't be funding her lifestyle.
We would all love to fuck off travelling and basically go on an extended holiday but we can't. You don't need to give her an explanation just say she's old enough now to look after herself. Then change the subject.

Your kids are adults.

Treating them to a meal, covering their costs if they live with you at home is one thing. Paying for them to go on holiday with you is very generous.
Giving them money every time they ask - for flights, courses is incredible to me. I can't imagine asking my parents for money for such things at their age.
If I knew they had money, asking for a loan to help with a rental deposit, or a course that would support with work, perhaps.
If they were struggling with health and approaching retirement then absolutely no way.
Have you spoken to them about your finances before or do they think you are well off and can hand money out whenever it is asked for?

You need to be planning your retirement and keeping all your savings for that. You need to tell them both that there will be no more available funds abd if they come home they will be expected to contribute on a pro rata basis.

If you keep giving them money you will end up destitute and your retirement will be miserable.

Tell them bank of mam is now closed permanently. You need that money for your retirement.

If your daughter wants to travel more then she needs to come back, work full time and save up more money. They are in their 20s they aren't babies anymore they know how money works op.