New relationship

[canandlerbong]

My adult boys (18 and 21) still live at home, no problem with this at all.

I am seeing someone after being single for a while. He is lovely, kind and makes me laugh. I am happy.
However the boys absolutely refuse to meet him and will not even entertain the idea of him coming to the house.

When I first met my ex-husband, he was fantastic with my children (they were a lot younger then) but as they grew older, their relationship completely broke down. Ex was a bully and very nasty especially to the now 18 year old. This was the main reason for our split.
I understand they are cautious and me meeting someone has probably triggered bad memories for them, they are also extremely protective of me, but am I not allowed to be happy?
I would really love to invite him over for dinner and to spend time at my house instead of his but also do not want to cause an atmosphere with the boys.
Should I just respect their wishes and keep the 2 separate until they move out? I feel bad that partner is always entertaining me and I cannot reciprocate.

I would respect their wishes at this stage, you really can’t blame them for being apprehensive given the history, especially if this relationship is fairly new.

How long is " a while" ?
Since your boys are adults, ask them what are their concerns with your boyfriend coming over to the house?

For at least the first meeting I would suggest them all meeting somewhere neutral, not your home.

Yea, how long is a while and how long since you've split with the Ex? Can't really comment until we know the timescales

Given your relationship history, I’d leave it for now. They’re understandably concerned that you’ll be hurt again.

Enjoy spending time with your new partner and see what happens. One of my friends recently married her partner after 12 years of dating! They waited several years before introducing their children and didn’t move in together until all the children were adults (last year).

I think this is going to depend a lot on how long you’ve been dating and how long since divorcing.

Personally it took me 6 months to bring DP around. I’m pretty sure most people think it’s too long, but we have a lot of trauma from DD’s father and I was resolved to make sure I wouldn’t bring anyone I didn’t think was permanent.

Thanks for the replies. Appreciate the advice and I will give them more time.
For those asking, 3 years divorced and been with partner nearly 6 months.

6 months is still new. Leave it for a while.

6 months is still relatively new after a difficult time previously. Take your time and enjoy the freedom you’ll have at partner’s place without worrying about your teenage and young adult sons being around!

They are possibly feeling a bit protective and territorial. I would suggest meeting somewhere neutral if they start warming up to the idea of meeting him - pub lunch or a walk. Build up to him coming for dinner and spending the night.

Do the same to them when they get partners

@Rachmorr57 current partner hasn’t done anything wrong, so they have to reason to think she’s putting him before them. She’s allowed to have a partner, they’re older now and it’s been years since the previous one.

@Rachmorr57
That's a bit unfair. The relationship between my exH and children was absolutely great until the youngest turned 13.
He had a terrible time at school (covid, bullying etc) and his behaviour deteriorated.
ExH was very hard on him which I did not agree with, caused many arguments including with the older one as he was standing up for his brother (rightly so).
It really wasn't a case of me putting partner before my children! I tried my best to improve relations but stubborn ex was having none of it, hence why I threw him out and ended it!

They’ve experienced you going through two breakups during their short lives (their Dad and your ex) and they don’t want to be involved in your relationships going forward. Let them keep their distance from your new partner, that’s what they want and you should respect that. They may change their minds if it turns into a LTR.

@BruFord it’s unfair on OP, though - she what if it takes them years to move out? One of them is only 18.

Holy cow I've heard it all now. I know on mumsnet mothers shouldn't make introductions for at least 5 years (preferably never) when children are small, but we are talking about adult children here. The OP is entitled to a life and shouldn't be dictated to by adult children.
FWIW OP my adult children felt similar about my now husband. They still live at home and joke that if I were to divorce can they stay with my husband?

Too soon. Give it 2 years

@SanDiegoZoo @Ilovegoldies Of course the OP can continue seeing her new partner, no one's suggesting otherwise. But her children have been through two major relationship breakdowns with the OP, and I imagine that it was pretty awful for them both times.

I think this is a reaction to what's happened in the past - they're not ready to bond with her partner of six months in case this relationship goes belly up too - and I can't blame them tbh.

I think the OP needs to bear this in mind and give them more time, not five years obviously!

I don’t think anyone is saying OP shouldn’t have a boyfriend, or that she should prevent him from coming to her house indefinitely - just that 6 months isn’t that long, to be having him over regularly. Once she knows it’s serious, she can start talking to her sons about introducing them, they will likely come
round to the idea when they’ve heard enough to know he’s a good man. Where is the rush.