How to deal with an opinionated adult daughter

[Hereswishing]

My daughter of 37 is very opinionated and quite frankly she intimidates me , she has a new baby 6 month g and a 3 year old b he goes to day care 3 mornings a week then her partner picks him up between working and takes him to his mums until he’s finished work then brings him home gets his tea and puts him to bed . So my daughter just has the baby , she can’t cope with both . I live in a different country but when I come to visit which is quite often I take over looking after my grandson which can be quite exhausting at 67 . My daughter has very strong rules for my grandson which I adhere to and follow . I try to do so much for my daughter out of guilt for not being around as much but I don’t have boundaries and can tire myself out which my husband gets mad about . I feel unable to tell her no and she can be quite demanding and selfish at times . My husband stands up for me and gets annoyed saying she takes advantage of me and should have more consideration but I tell him not to say anything I just want to keep the peace . But this time I’m due to visit, without telling me my husband sent her a very strong worded email telling her not to take advantage of me and to have more respect for me as her mum . I was shocked and upset when my daughter told me ,she was very hurt , and what a dysfunctional family we are ! I’m now due to visit again in the next week and I know she’s going to be hostile towards me , it’s not going to be an enjoyable visit I hate conflict of any sort and will do my best to avoid it , and know I will be very apologetic for what my husband wrote and bend over backwards again wearing myself out !!! Yet I understand my husband writing as he was only trying to protect me. So now my daughter won’t talk to my husband and I’m in the middle . I just wish we could all get along but I feel no matter what we do as parents for her it is not good enough . All her partners family are educated and I feel our daughter looks down on us . Am I such a bad parent to keep trying to please her when my husband tells her what he thinks and she can like it or leave it !

Is your husband her dad? Either way he needs to apologise. You've been quietly getting on with it, not mentioning anything, then the first she hears about your feelings is a 'strongly worded email'.

It sounds like you don't have much respect for your dd and her choices tbh.

When you visit why don't you stay in a hotel or something nearby if you're finding her household stressful?

Your dd isn't wrong, it does sound dysfunctional.

Neither you or your husband like your daughter which is your prerogative - so why not stop visiting? At 37 your daughter isn't going to change and the time to discuss the flaws in her personality was when she was younger and in your care. Your husband has taken a difficult situation and made it worse but of course he did it because you're not standing up for yourself or being honest.

I would suggest growing a spine and discussing calmly with your daughter what you will and won't do. If she refuses to accept your boundaries I'd just stop visiting so she understands you're serious. If you carry on as you are, this situation will get worse and completely ruin your relationship. Until you begin to actually like and respect your daughter you should keep your distance because it's very dysfunctional to dislike someone, yet martyr yourself for them and then get angry when they let you.

Do you have any other children? Have you ever tried to understand why your daughter is the way she is? Is there anything positive you have to say about her or are you just using her to get time with grandchildren?

I'm guessing that your DH isn't your dd's dad.
He honestly needs to wind his neck in.

If you as an adult aren't happy with the current visiting arrangements then change them. Book yourself into a hotel, only visit for a few days, make the visit work for you.

But talk to your dd yourself don't let others damage your relationship.

It's often the case in relationships where we choose people who have characteristics we lack. You seem to have chosen someone quite strong willed, who fights your battles for you.

Your daughter seems equally strong willed and you're being blown around between them. It seems as though you want things to change but you're unwilling to actually do anything to bring about change.

I would stay at a local Airbnb and visit my daughter for as long as I could manage. I'd also leave if she becomes overbearing.

I would ask to have a phone conversation with her before doing anything else.

Start with apologising for your husband email and acknowledging she must be very hurt. It is clear to her you have been complaining about her to your husband which is not a nice feeling.

I would also disagree with the poster upthread “she is never going to change” I changed massively in my 30s so it isn’t too late and you should give her a chance.

In the conversation I would say there are things you have been finding difficult. Explain it is not that your daughter had rules and expectations which you can fully respect as it is her choice because it is her family. But that you struggle with the tone of how her wants are communicated and it feels disrespectful. I would also say you desperately want your relationship with her to continue and improve but to do so you need her to change how she speaks to you and also you need
to be able to say “no” when she is asking too much of you and it not be met with any hostility.

This could be a lot of good comes out of this messy situation but it depends very much on how the next couple of conversations are handled

I would also disagree with the poster upthread “she is never going to change” I changed massively in my 30s so it isn’t too late and you should give her a chance.

You really think someone is going to change because for the the first time in 37 years their parents have unloaded decades worth of negative feedback on their personality? During a time they have a new baby and are struggling to manage a
toddler and baby and adjust to a new way of life?

Yes, I can see how a new mum would focus their limited time and energy on adapting their personality to suit their parents at this juncture....

I hate conflict of any sort and will do my best to avoid it

This is where you have gone disastrously wrong. Being able to constructively handle differences and working towards meeting a mutually acceptable outcome is a really important part of ‘adulting’.
By your own admission, you run away from this, so presumably your daughter had zero example of conflict handling at home either.

The end result is that your actions have precipitated the very thing you have tried to avoid.