Am I being over sensitive here?

DuskyPink1984 · 18/01/2025 14:49

I think this could’ve been anticipated given what you write about your grandmother looking after you a lot. Your mum obviously isn’t hugely maternal. Just enjoy the time you do spend with her. It sounds as though your MIL is very helpful to you.

Nespressso · 18/01/2025 14:50

Youre lucky you at least have your MIL. Both my parents and my in laws are like this. Both received massive amounts of help from their own parents but don’t seem to feel inclined to even feign interest unless it suits them. They are all far too self absorbed.

BobbyBiscuits · 18/01/2025 14:53

Your mum seems to be acting the opposite of your lovely nan. But the fact you say you were practically raised by her shows your mum is clearly not great with kids. So that hasn't changed now she's a nan herself sadly.
There's not much you can do really, other than being grateful your child's other nan is so involved and doting.

BellissimoGecko · 18/01/2025 16:55

DuskyPink1984 · 18/01/2025 14:49

I think this could’ve been anticipated given what you write about your grandmother looking after you a lot. Your mum obviously isn’t hugely maternal. Just enjoy the time you do spend with her. It sounds as though your MIL is very helpful to you.

This!

SanDiegoZoo · 21/01/2025 23:24

I don’t think it’s selfish to wish that your mother was more involved, but it’s also not something we’re entitled to by default.

She raised her children, she doesn’t really any more obligations beyond that if she doesn’t want to. It’s not ideal, but on the other hand it’s better that she’s honest than having your baby over against her will and not looking after him properly. At least she’s self-aware!

caringcarer · 22/01/2025 01:18

I think you have every right to feel disappointed in your Mum. Everyone wants their Mum to dote on their dc. You say you were raised by your gran to a large extent. This was probably because your Mum wasn't good at managing young DC. Try not to let it ruin the time you spend with your Mum. She can't help the way she is. She is at least honest with you. You do get support from your lovely MiL. Your DC is much loved.

Remotemouse · 25/01/2025 15:06

Of course you are upset that your Mum doesn't dote on your baby - but despite you saying you don't expect anything - you clearly do! Your Mum finds looking after small people to be exhausting - expecting your Mum to be someone she is not is only going to make you more miserable and resentful - she is telling you who she is - listen! Be grateful you have one grandparent who will help you out, many people don't even have that. Your Mum is allowed and entitled to be the grandparent she chooses to be, and you get to be the Mum you chose to be, try to accept her for who she is.

TangerineClementine · 25/01/2025 16:03

It's not selfish to hope that your mum would be more involved, but it sounds like that isn't going to happen so I think you need to make peace with it.

Rowen32 · 25/01/2025 16:25

Are you expecting too much from her and she feels that? I would never expect my children to be minded overnight at that age, a couple of hours during the day would be enough. Is this the problem, that you're asking too much and she'd be able for a few hours?

LostittoBostik · 25/01/2025 16:31

SanDiegoZoo · 21/01/2025 23:24

I don’t think it’s selfish to wish that your mother was more involved, but it’s also not something we’re entitled to by default.

She raised her children, she doesn’t really any more obligations beyond that if she doesn’t want to. It’s not ideal, but on the other hand it’s better that she’s honest than having your baby over against her will and not looking after him properly. At least she’s self-aware!

Sounds like she didn't really raise her kids in the first place. OP, has this been the bit that's really hard to have a visual on? That she's just not interested ?

GrandmotherStillLearning · 25/01/2025 16:36

HGSufferer · 18/01/2025 14:43

Quick bit of background. I've had my first child whos almost 1 and he is my world.
My mum still works full time in a school so has great holiday in the year but it's full on during term time. I don't expect anything but did think maybe she'd like to have him one night to give my husband and i some time to ourselves. But she will not have him until he is old enough to sleep in a big bed.
Ok, i got over that.
During Christmas she said "I found having you and your sister really hard work. And even as a grandparent I still find it hard work".
She has never looked after him for me and lives 10mins down the road.
His other Nanny is so doting on him and wants to see him and look after him all the time. It's just left me feeling a little heartbroken and upset my mum doesn't seem to want to look after him. My nan practically bought me up. Picked me up from school everyday and I was with her ALL the time during school holidays... so I think i was just expecting more. Am I being over sensitive on the matter? Because it's clearly upsetting me a lot in day to day life but I don't know if i'm being selfish

Hi
I have 5 grandchildren and have them all 1 at a time and some longer periods than others.
I take them on vacations ( short ones ) 1 at a time and we do day trips too.

They all have standing orders from me for pocket money.

That's me though!

I've a friend who thinks I'm nuts.
She says it's your time of life. Bugger that and stay spending it on you. You've done your bit.

That's her though!

Neither one of us is right or wrong.

We are just different.

Whydoeseveryonewanttoargue · 25/01/2025 16:37

Sorry OP I think you maybe could have seen this coming considering your upbringing. Kids are mega hard work and to expect grandparents to step in and have them once a week for a sleepover (your words) to give you and your husband a break (again your words) is unreasonable as it is entitled.

Grandparents are all different and will interact on their terms. Yeah it’s nice when they are involved and want to dote on the grandkids but you can’t just expect them to want to do that.

I think maybe you are projecting on your mum from your childhood.

CulturalNomad · 25/01/2025 16:52

she said "I found having you and your sister really hard work. And even as a grandparent I still find it hard work"

It sounds like some parts of motherhood were very difficult for her. Try not to judge her for that; some women really do struggle.

While she may never be the hands-on grandmother you fantasized about, it doesn't mean she doesn't love your child. Accept her for who she is and encourage a good relationship between her and your child; you'll all benefit from that!

Original poster

HGSufferer · 25/01/2025 22:08

Whydoeseveryonewanttoargue · 25/01/2025 16:37

Sorry OP I think you maybe could have seen this coming considering your upbringing. Kids are mega hard work and to expect grandparents to step in and have them once a week for a sleepover (your words) to give you and your husband a break (again your words) is unreasonable as it is entitled.

Grandparents are all different and will interact on their terms. Yeah it’s nice when they are involved and want to dote on the grandkids but you can’t just expect them to want to do that.

I think maybe you are projecting on your mum from your childhood.

Sorry, to clarify I don't expect it once a week at all!! Just once was all I meant. I also have a sibling who has two children and she has looked after them when they were young overnight maybe once or twice a year when they were under 2 so I think that's where the expectation comes from.

OP posts:

Original poster

HGSufferer · 25/01/2025 22:14

Rowen32 · 25/01/2025 16:25

Are you expecting too much from her and she feels that? I would never expect my children to be minded overnight at that age, a couple of hours during the day would be enough. Is this the problem, that you're asking too much and she'd be able for a few hours?

She won’t even have him for a few hours! I did start with that, and every time it was an excuse. I never even asked her to have him overnight, we were talking about going away for a weekend and she outright cut in and said she wouldn’t have him.
Sorry I also missed out that I have a sister with children, and that my mums has looked after them as babies but not mine so it does hurt my feelings

OP posts:

podirnot · 25/01/2025 23:34

Nespressso · 18/01/2025 14:50

Youre lucky you at least have your MIL. Both my parents and my in laws are like this. Both received massive amounts of help from their own parents but don’t seem to feel inclined to even feign interest unless it suits them. They are all far too self absorbed.

Same

CulturalNomad · 26/01/2025 00:27

I have a sister with children, and that my mums has looked after them as babies but not mine so it does hurt my feelings

How long ago did your mother look after these babies? Has it been years? Does she still babysit for your sister?

I understand why it hurts your feelings but I do wonder if she wasn't very enthusiastic about watching your sister's children either. Or perhaps this was years ago and she feels less capable now.

BeaAndBen · 26/01/2025 00:35

I think expecting someone who works full time in a school to babysit for you is quite demanding.

If she wasn’t interested in seeing him with you I could understand being hurt, but you seem to want her to look after him for you.

You are two adults with one child, you’re not exactly run off your feet. As long as she wants to see him when accompanied by you I think that’s fine.

Not everyone wants to be free childcare for very young children. They’re lovely but knackering when you’re post-menopausal.