How do I fix this - relationship with young adult son

[taratill]

I've changed my username from my normal one because this is so personal.

I am having difficulties with my young adult son who is in his first year at university. Full disclosure he is autistic with PDA traits. He had a challenging education and was a school refuser but he pulled himself together, got A Levels and is in his first year at university. He is not good at relationships generally and part of his neurodiversity seems to be that he needs to have relationships on his terms. This has meant that he has given up on friendships easier than most people do and he has had some extremely lonely periods in his life where he's not really had any friends at all.

He seems to be getting on OK at university and has made a group of friends which is great.

The problems have started over the Christmas break, he's definitely trying to cut the apron strings and assert adult boundaries. This results in him only really communicating with his dad and I if he needs / wants something. He comes across as having little to no empathy and has made Christmas very difficult for us as a family. He's spent most of the day in bed and then gone off for long walks and barely engaged. Part of the problem is that he has had girlfriend issues, he has been the cause of them, he cheated, but he regrets it.

So all in all we were relieved to send him back to university. DH wants to go and try to speak to him in a few weeks to set boundaries for expected behaviour when he comes back at Easter. These will be reasonable, try to get a job, be available at mealtimes if you say you are going to be, help around the house, leave room in reasonable manner when you go back etc....

Anyway after taking him back he had asked me for some help with applying for summer internships which I did. I sent him some details of one and said I'd support him with making the application. He then texted me to say he'd done it and I asked him a question about the application which when he responded made it clear he hadn't applied. I then received a barrage of abuse by text and I texted to say that that wasn't acceptable as a response to me helping him when he'd asked me to. Next text was that he didn't want to speak to me any more and that I was blocked.

So where to go from here? He's vulnerable. I pay his phone bill and we support him through university. I am struggling with being cut off for doing so little. We supported him thoroughly through his challenges growing up. How do I set boundaries with someone like this. I need to be there for him because he's vulnerable but don't deserve to be treated by an adult child in the way I am being treated?

I know he is being a shit but his neurodiversity does impact. I'd really appreciate some respectful advice, particularly for people who are dealing with relationships with people with similar needs.

Sorry it is long. I feel as though I can be low contact but deserve to know he's safe. i was unable to sleep last night through worrying. I've been blocked since monday.

This is a hard one. My PDA son is younger so I've not got experience of the adult transition yet. I am autistic myself however and I think my sons dad is PDA. In his dad it came out as controlling and to be blunt was abusive. From this I've been very clear in my son, I will always help if he asks and I will give space if he needs but I absolutely will not take abuse from him. I think while it's terrible for my son his dad as an example has helped him understand. His dad won't see him if he's difficult, his dad won't miss work for him or do anything nice the minimum for him etc them by comparison my son can see I've given up everything for him and do everything. He knows if I didn't do these things he would be utterly alone. And he knows I left his dad although not why and he has seen me cut out toxic family members while at the same time going above and beyond for family who need me but are not horrible to me.

I feel like Ive set the foundations for a healthy adult relationship with my boy but obviously don't know what's coming really. I was an utter mess in early adulthood but I didn't have a loving parent supporting me.

With PDA they need to see the point of things. Or to phrase it differently they need to see what's in it for them. So I would hold firm to your boundaries and make it clear you will always be there but you won't take abuse, he's fully in control of this and it's in his power to shape the relationship with you. If he wants his phone paid or somewhere to live after uni or help with babysitting when he's a parent etc he needs to keep the relationship healthy. O wouldn't to it this time but I'd make it clear going forward that you will not be paying for his phone if he treats you like that- but frame it that you pay for the phone when you feel respected don't make it a threat.

I also wouldn't press him to get work at Easter. Drop that completely. It may be he needs the time to decompress and recover and recharge for the next term. Just don't pay for anything other than the bills in your house and have food available. That way he sees the benefits of working and he makes the decision. With PDA if you need something to stick then they need to make the choice themselves.

My parents kicked me out. They were not good parents at all it wasn't because I had been bad. But it's left me with the knowledge no one can be relied upon to stand by you even when they ought to. It may be a good half way for you while he's at uni that you won't have to go so far as to kick him out but you just refuse to let him come home one holiday so he's at uni alone for a couple weeks so he knows if he wants to come home next holidays he speaks to you with some respect.

I have name changed too. Your post is interesting as I have an adult son who is also ND and struggled with school etc . He started to really struggle at University. Unlike your son he didn’t really make friends and doesn’t drink, so he became increasingly miserable . At one point he wanted to leave . His behaviour became very unstable. He would shout at me and lose the plot over what seemed to be small things, but were a symptom of how much he was struggling to manage. I suspect his sleep was all over the place and he wasn’t eating well either . Those things don’t help. Looking back, I just didn’t see what was going on.

Hes now 34 and has moved out fairly recently after years at home with severe depression, many of them unemployed. However his response to stress since moving out has been to become increasingly distant and unpleasant to me. He has sounded off to his siblings and at one point blocked the whole family for months. Like your son, if we say anything he doesn’t like he just ignores or blocks us. In general he will communicate with OH , and I think he is deliberately manipulative. The hurt he has caused me in particular is terrible. Despite living in the same area, he now says he only wants to see us twice a year. It’s heartbreaking and I don’t know what to do.

What I really wish now is that I had understood that much of his behaviour was driven by overwhelm, anxiety and a lack of coping mechanisms. I really feel for you , but at least you are understanding the basis for his issues . I do think it’s important to set boundaries and not tolerate rude behaviour, but at the same time try to be there for him if he needs help and support, be a listening ear. He does need you even if he behaves like he doesn’t. It’s hard trying to separate from parents as a young vulnerable man with ND issues. It’s stressful for most young people, but this adds additional layers. He’s also trying to navigate relationship issues with a girlfriend. It’s a lot to cope with. Have you told him that you realise how much he’s having to navigate? Just let him know you are on his side. At the same time try not to be over negative and cut him some slack when he’s home. My son slept for days when he came back due to the strain he had been under. Let him stay in his room or be a bit messy. Rudeness is not to be tolerated though. It’s a fine line and it’s very hard.

I also agree that it would be a mistake to pressure him into getting a job. When he comes home just let him rest.