Hi all
My son dropped out of Uni 8 months ago after 2 years because he didn't settle there, didn't make many friends and decided he didn't like the course (and im sure because his girlfriend lives in London where we live) and it all started to affect his mental health. I wasn't particularly happy about it, tried every alternative option but he was adamant - so here we are 8 long months later.
Im a single mum and work as a physio so I'm in and out of the house on and off all day. For the past 8 months he's been here pretty much all the time, and I haven't really asked him to do much, other than his own washing. He's messy but I don't want to keep nagging him because he said im always having a go at him and I don't' want to be constantly nagging, so I usually let things go. He has started working part time at a cafe recently so he's out in the evenings often and sometimes in the day which gives me some space.
However, whenever I go away, which is probably once a month to visit a relative, whenever I come home the house is dirty and untidy and I roll my sleeves up and clean up. This time, just after Christmas, I went away for 4 days and he wanted to stay home, I messaged him two days before and told him I was back on Friday afternoon and could please make sure that the house is clean and tidy. When I got back on Friday, the house was a mess, he hadn't even tried.
This time I flipped which is unlike me and I messaged him at work and said What the f*k is the deal with the house! I asked you to make sure it was clean and tidy like I left it and you haven't even tried. I feel like your taking the pss! Then I sent him a list of the things that were messy, like the bin is overflowing, the sink is covered in ground coffee beans, towels on the floor etc..
That night then left and went to stay at his dads without telling me. His dad is away and he has the keys to the flat, I called him that night and then every day for three days because I was worried about him and didn't know where he was or if I could bolt the door. I contacted his girlfriend yesterday to check if he's okay and she said he'd been with her so I knew he was okay. He popped in today and took something from the shed and left without a word. I wanted to know what is going on so I went to his dads and he says he doesn't want to speak to me because Im just rude to him and that he didn't reply to my messages or pick up the phone for the same reason.
Now I feel like its me, that I must be at fault. My ex husband said that if I fall out with the kids, its my fault and that he doesn't have the same issue and that I must have anger issues... but I really don't feel as though I do. Part of me feels like I'm too soft and let him get away with doing hardly anything and not contributing and part of me is worried that if I put down boundaries or ever get annoyed, I'm branded as angry or a bad mum. Can anyone offer me any tips for living harmoniously with a 21 year old. Thanks