Trying to sort out living arrangements for the next few years- can I have advice please

[hedgehogsinthehedgerow]

I'm a lp with two dcs in their early 20s, one at Uni. I need to move in the next year or so and that's obviously a big decision. I wouldn't mind an area move, not too far, but a fresh start. But dcs like it where we are. They could be living with me anything from a couple of years to more like 7 or 8 years? Who knows really. But I do need to move, either to a smaller place where we are now, or to a new area. Do I prioritise my own wants at this stage or theirs, is I suppose what I am thinking.

Your wants for the area I think at their age but definitely with somewhere for them to stay unless that is not possible financially.

I would stay where you are for a couple more years to give the one still at uni chance to finish there. Hopefully by then the older one will be able to afford to move out, is that possible? By a smaller place do you mean somewhere not big enough for them to stay?

Chat with them. Tell them this is the situation. I personally would move out of the area and stay in a house you can all stay in. But I would explain to them that the Eason for this is due to finances.

What about if they paid rent? I would be saying if it bothered them that much they are welcome to get jobs and pay towards everything properly, like adults.

Thanks for the replies. If we stay in our current area it will be a squeeze to fit in a smaller place, that's for sure. Although I will make sure they have somewhere to live and a room each. But if we moved area a bit we could have more space. Tiny rooms are difficult for these ages aren't they. I don't want to rely on them to pay towards the mortgage at all because they will need to go and get their own homes eventually.

I think the worry is if I get the new place to suit them, what if they just move out quite soon afterwards, leaving me somewhere I don't really want to be! But on the other hand I don't want them to leave home earlier than they might otherwise do because of me moving area.

My parents moved when my siblings and I were all in our early/mid 20's. Same city but from North to South (around a 30/45 min drive depending on traffic). I didn't have any issues at all with it, I was living away at the time but have since moved back home a couple of times for various reasons. Do what you want to do, the (adult!) kids will work it out, and living at home as an adult paying no/minimal rent is a huge privilege in itself!

Why do you need to move now?

How far are you thinking of moving? If it's within an hour or so I think that's fine.

I’m in a somewhat similar situation, my post might still be up somewhere - I want to move and my DD doesn’t. I put it off until she went to uni, gap year included, then she decided to do uni fully at home, online. It has been disappointing and sent me into a massive (internal, contained) meltdown because I was so hoping to relocate quickly.

Things eventually came to a halt and I’ve informed her that this year I’ll start putting things in motion about moving. It doesn’t mean we’ll move far, even. She was angry for quite a while but eventually came around and told me if she doesn’t like the new area she’d get a house share and stay (but considering the prices in our area even for a bedroom, I honestly don’t think she would).

Be open with your DCs even if they have a
mini meltdown about it. They’re grown, they need to see your side.

Honestly, I think that you need to put your own needs/wants first at this point. Of course you want to provide a home for them if they need it, but it sounds as if you'll solely be taking on the mortgage so your new home really needs to be somewhere that you like and can afford in the long term. Otherwise you'll be stuck living somewhere that you don't want to be and possibly can't afford after they move out.

So grateful for all the replies here. It's only about half an hour away, where I'd like to be, and given that it's me who will be living there the longest, it is something I am now going to seriously consider, rather than buy somewhere I don't want to stay. I am going to discuss it with dcs and explain why I want to move there.